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Original poster

DP's cleanliness standards

69 replies

franticfeb · 29/01/2024 21:39

So, first of all, I'd like to say that this post is not about personal levels of hygiene. DP is always clean and tidy.

We've been together about 6 years. We don't live together, mostly because I've been a lone parent bringing up kids (not his) who are now young adults. This is key to what I'm about to describe as I guess, living separately, it's never really been an issue.

DO was really ill. He was due to drive over from where he lives to mine a few Fridays ago. He usually does this so we can spend weekends together (we live separately in our own homes during the week).

Anyway, he felt ill and unable to drive during the journey. Stopped and rang me. I said I'd come and collect him and drive him back home as he was too ill to continue the journey.

On driving him back home, I helped him indoors, only to be absolutely gobsmacked at the state of his flat. The kitchen was filthy (dirty dishes from over a week dumped in the sink; bin overflowing; surfaces full of crap; butter opened and left uncovered; bathroom floor disgusting, only surfacely cleaned with hair and dust on the floor. Everywhere was ... well .,, the only word I could use was 'minging'. I work in social care and have referred clients to social services for less. I was shocked. He explained it away as having felt ill this past week and unable to clean but it has really made me feel very uneasy. I've only been to his a few times with him preferring to cone to mine (there's more space and I have had caring responsibilities for my kids). As such, I've never really thought about his living standards. As I said, he doesn't present, in himself, as lacking in hygiene. But seriously, his place was filthy (and mine, whilst in no way is a 'show home', at the least is basically clean.

I'm now questioning if I ever want to live with him, and what this means for our relationship. I get the argument that we could live separately forever but his standards were so far removed from mine, I feel quite uneasy now. It's hard to explain but something to do with the gap between how he outwardly presents and how he actually lives on a day-to-day basis. I left - and still feel - really unsettled by this, even if we were to live separately.

For background context, I was married for years before this relationship and swore never again to get into a relationship where I ended up doing all the shitwork of solely cleaning a house. He's a lovely guy in all other respects but I feel rocked by the state of his flat, and, perhaps mire so, the discrepancy between his outward self presentation and how he inwardly lives.

Wtf do I do now? Has anyone ever laid down an ultimatum around house cleanliness - if so, was it successful?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 29/01/2024 21:46

Have you never been to his home before in six years ?
I think it’s very unfair to judge when he has been unwell. He lives alone so doesn’t need to clean if he is not feeling well .

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2024 21:53

Fidgety31 · 29/01/2024 21:46

Have you never been to his home before in six years ?
I think it’s very unfair to judge when he has been unwell. He lives alone so doesn’t need to clean if he is not feeling well .

A home with one adult living in it would not get that utterly filthy from being ill for a week.

I'm sorry, op, but this would be a deal breaker for me, personally. I could not have a relationship with someone who lives this way, even if I wasn't living with them. My values and theirs for how to keep a home, which shows respect for yourself, would be too far apart. I could not be intimate with a man knowing he lived in such a filthy environment. If you have reported clients for less than what you saw, it must be very bad indeed.

Only you can decide where you go from here.

anythinginapinch · 29/01/2024 21:58

I'm ill this week and my house is def a squalid place atm as I cannot find energy to wipe clean or put anything at all away.
You need to go to his place more often - when "I was ill" isn't available as an excuse, and go from
There

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 29/01/2024 22:11

I experienced this in a shorter-term relationship.
The sitting room and bedroom were neat, clean and tidy but the kitchen and toilet were rank. I am not a clean freak by any stretch which is why I have a cleaner!
The first time I stayed there, my eyes actually stung when I entered the toilet. It smelt like the gents in a pub. I dreaded going in there and had to avoid any contact with the manky mat around the loo. The kitchen and appliances were encrusted in dirt and old food.
He seemed to think it was fine and I was too embarrassed to suggest he get a cleaner.

mostlysunnywithshowers · 29/01/2024 22:14

Don't move in with him. The signs are there, we always ignore them or hope things will change but they never do. I might have understood it in the past when people moved out of their parents and in with their spouse, but when people live on their own or in shared houses and still don't learn to look after themselves to a basic level, they really are just a bit of a grub.

FruitBat53 · 29/01/2024 22:24

He is happy to live in squalor. You are not. It's never going to work if you live together, because that's his normal.

Babadook76 · 29/01/2024 22:36

Fidgety31 · 29/01/2024 21:46

Have you never been to his home before in six years ?
I think it’s very unfair to judge when he has been unwell. He lives alone so doesn’t need to clean if he is not feeling well .

But it shouldn’t have been like that after a week of being ill because he’s living alone. Mine wouldn’t have been like that with me ill and mostly bed bound with 3 young kids, 2 large dogs plus more animals. I’d expect dishes and kitchen mess from being too exhausted to clean up after meals properly. The toilet would need a good scrub. But we wouldn’t be in anywhere near the squalor the op is describing. I couldn’t make a mess if a tried as a single person. What exactly are you making a mess with?

EmmaEmerald · 29/01/2024 22:48

Key info is what his home is like normally and when was the last time you saw it.

Is the illness part of something bigger?

If it's worse than you'd report to social services, that's really something.

I'm capable of making a mess but it's books, papers etc. i might leave dishes overnight if I'm tired. But surfaces are scrubbed clean, floor is vacuumed, mopped etc.

if you've only been a few times, maybe he got a cleaner in before you visited.

Kwam31 · 29/01/2024 22:58

If you're ill you're not up and about making this mess.
I'm a bit surprised you've rarely been in his home in 6 years.

nameForThis99 · 29/01/2024 23:01

What was it like the last time you visited?

HalloumiGeller · 29/01/2024 23:15

I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, especially since he has been unwell. Plus, we all have periods where our house isn't up to our usual standards I think (I know I do).

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/01/2024 23:15

As others said when did you last go

Does he keep yours tidy and clean

Maybe he's got his self stuck in a rut like the hoarders programmes and can't see a way out

Maybe help him /get a cleaner

Then don't go for a couple of months and see what is is like

RantyAnty · 30/01/2024 00:02

You've only been to his house a few times, so it probably is a tip most of the time.

How nice for him to come to yours; a nice clean house, cooked for by you, and some sex.

Hope he also isn't doing his dirty laundry at yours.

Original poster
franticfeb · 30/01/2024 04:42

Last visit to his house was about 18 months ago. It was bad then I remember but not nearly as much and (just about) explainable as he had had Covid, though I remember being a little shocked then. Like this time, it was an unexpected visit as I was dropping off some food for him. We live about 50 miles apart so it's not like I can just pop around. Squalid definitely describes the kitchen I saw this time. The bathroom was still yuk but not quite as bad. Living room looked untidy (it's a small space though) but not anything like the kitchen. I felt embarrassed for him and a bit repulsed tbh and couldn't wait to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
franticfeb · 30/01/2024 04:46

He doesn't create much of a mess at mine but he only brings over one holdall to be fair. He'll empty the dishwasher, clean the bath after himself (after an argument we had about it). Very rarely will he hoover but he's only over here for 2 -3 nights - nothing really to indicate he lives like that in his own home

OP posts:
MidnightSerenader · 30/01/2024 04:48

Oh come on people trying to explain it away by him being ill for a week. As if?!?

OP - this is your red flag waving, gut instinct, spidey senses tingling moment - ignore it at your peril.

There are zillions of men out there! Toss this one back.

MidnightSerenader · 30/01/2024 04:51

Help him….?

God he’s an adult.

If you need to baby a man, he’s not a man. You ditch those men.

PaminaMozart · 30/01/2024 04:52

I felt quite queasy just reading your post.
I couldn't get past this.

Jollyoldfruit · 30/01/2024 05:02

I once stayed a few weeks with friends. I cleaned and cooked regularly as I was getting cheap board.
One Sunday night I returned after a weekend away and the kitchen that I had left in an immaculate state on Friday evening was absolutely disgusting. In just two days pans had been used and not washed, food left out, rubbish overflowing in the bin and every worktop covered in spillage or dirty crockery.
Some people can make a lot of mess very quickly. If you take food and crockery from the cupboards 3 times a day and don’t wash up or put anything away then you’ll soon create a mess!

This is how your dp lives, he won’t change. My friends are still the same, they just can’t be bothered to clean as they go and they tackle the mess about once a week.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/01/2024 05:03

As you have older dc l presume he is not a student where l have seen bad situations. Does he own his own house? Keep down a steady job?
Have you met his family and what is his parents house like? Is there any signs he may have ADHD or any other issue which might explain it? Although my ds has diagnosed ADHD and likes to be tidy although he works at it in bursts.
Was he embarrassed or acting like there is no bother?
I am not the best housekeeper but its more a bit of untidiness than actual dirt. It's only his own stuff. Does the fact he is always at your place every weekend mean he has no time to do it?
But saying all that it's a total turnoff!

rwalker · 30/01/2024 05:22

This is how he chooses to live doesn’t need any justification

up to you if you accept this or walk away
but trying to change people never ends well

Original poster
franticfeb · 30/01/2024 07:32

As you have older dc l presume he is not a student where l have seen bad situations. Does he own his own house? Keep down a steady job?
Have you met his family and what is his parents house like? Is there any signs he may have ADHD or any other issue which might explain it? Although my ds has diagnosed ADHD and likes to be tidy although he works at it in bursts.
Was he embarrassed or acting like there is no bother?
I am not the best housekeeper but its more a bit of untidiness than actual dirt. It's only his own stuff. Does the fact he is always at your place every weekend mean he has no time to do it?'

Not a student - a 40 year old man. Doesn't own his own home - rents from a housing association. His parent's house is spotless. He said something as we arrived about the place being a mess as he'd been too ill to clear up - but clearly not too ill to cook and eat for days on end. Just too ill to clear up after himself ... It takes no time to put things in a bin, though, does it? It might be he has relatively little time at weekends but 30 minutes after work each night would keep on top of it. I keep feeling I've seen the future with him - and I don't like what I saw. In many other respects, he's a lovely guy.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/01/2024 07:44

Has anyone ever laid down an ultimatum around house cleanliness - if so, was it successful

What about just talking to him about it to see what he says? Is 'ultimatum' the first place you go when thinking about an issue in your relationship? I wouldn't be moving in with him, or anybody, if that was the case. Also, if he says it's just because he's ill, and you don't believe him, then you don't trust him to be honest with you, and that's a bigger problem.

Bbq1 · 30/01/2024 08:08

Fidgety31 · 29/01/2024 21:46

Have you never been to his home before in six years ?
I think it’s very unfair to judge when he has been unwell. He lives alone so doesn’t need to clean if he is not feeling well .

Sge says in Op, above your post that she's been tu his home a few times.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 30/01/2024 09:54

This would be a huge red flag for me too.

In my experience, it is surprising the number of people who present as clean and reasonably "together", but live in absolute mess and filth. I had a friend like this - well dressed, lovely hair and make up, clean, etc. The first time I went to her place I genuinely thought she had been burgled/it was a crime scene. And I am not just talking about mess either, it was filthy. Ingrained filth that results from months of not doing even basic cleaning.