DP's cleanliness standards

[franticfeb]

So, first of all, I'd like to say that this post is not about personal levels of hygiene. DP is always clean and tidy.

We've been together about 6 years. We don't live together, mostly because I've been a lone parent bringing up kids (not his) who are now young adults. This is key to what I'm about to describe as I guess, living separately, it's never really been an issue.

DO was really ill. He was due to drive over from where he lives to mine a few Fridays ago. He usually does this so we can spend weekends together (we live separately in our own homes during the week).

Anyway, he felt ill and unable to drive during the journey. Stopped and rang me. I said I'd come and collect him and drive him back home as he was too ill to continue the journey.

On driving him back home, I helped him indoors, only to be absolutely gobsmacked at the state of his flat. The kitchen was filthy (dirty dishes from over a week dumped in the sink; bin overflowing; surfaces full of crap; butter opened and left uncovered; bathroom floor disgusting, only surfacely cleaned with hair and dust on the floor. Everywhere was ... well .,, the only word I could use was 'minging'. I work in social care and have referred clients to social services for less. I was shocked. He explained it away as having felt ill this past week and unable to clean but it has really made me feel very uneasy. I've only been to his a few times with him preferring to cone to mine (there's more space and I have had caring responsibilities for my kids). As such, I've never really thought about his living standards. As I said, he doesn't present, in himself, as lacking in hygiene. But seriously, his place was filthy (and mine, whilst in no way is a 'show home', at the least is basically clean.

I'm now questioning if I ever want to live with him, and what this means for our relationship. I get the argument that we could live separately forever but his standards were so far removed from mine, I feel quite uneasy now. It's hard to explain but something to do with the gap between how he outwardly presents and how he actually lives on a day-to-day basis. I left - and still feel - really unsettled by this, even if we were to live separately.

For background context, I was married for years before this relationship and swore never again to get into a relationship where I ended up doing all the shitwork of solely cleaning a house. He's a lovely guy in all other respects but I feel rocked by the state of his flat, and, perhaps mire so, the discrepancy between his outward self presentation and how he inwardly lives.

Wtf do I do now? Has anyone ever laid down an ultimatum around house cleanliness - if so, was it successful?

Give your DO fair warning that you'd like to visit in three weeks and start calling in sometimes.
It is unfair when you have never wanted to visit for you to suddenly expect he has prepared his home for a guest.
Ask him to prepare his home for you as a guest; to pretend his mother is visiting.
Give him a few chances and see how he does. Judge him in a few months time.

I won't live with him

@AgnesX Well yes, but of he lives alone and no one visits, who's it hurting? Plates in the sink, bins that need emptying, and some stuff on the counter does not a health hazard make.

I've lived alone at different times. At times I've had things spotlessly perfect all the time. At other times, it's kind of spiralled. Both extremes are surprisingly easy when you are on your own.

Are you dating my ex bf?!

I saw a guy and rarely went to his house but, good god, it was filthy. As you've said, washing up piled everywhere, curtains always closed, filthy floors, over flowing bin, a pile of clothes in the dining room that apparently he added to from the clothes airer and treated like his wardrobe. Disgusting bathroom, everything sticky to touch. The first time I visited, I had my dog with me. Dog went like a hoover under the kitchen units and came out the other side with a beard and moustache made of dust and old food.

He was a really nice guy but as time went on, he went from being clean and smelling nice to reverting to his true self which included not showering and wearing stained and ripped clothing. One time, I met him at the cinema, and he honest to goodness, looked like a tramp. He was so pleased to see me and I just ran to the toilets and cried.

If his name starts with R and you're in the SE, then it may be the same guy. If not, that's horrifying that there are more of the same out there!

I got the impression it was more than that.

I'm on the side of the OP as dirty bathrooms give the boke. I may be the only person on the planet that cleans my bathroom when I feel ill.

When does he have time to keep on top of his home if he works and his spare time is spent at yours?

The mess may have built up over time until he felt overwhelmed so he concentrated on his own grooming so he was in a fit state to be at yours.

Whilst he is at yours does he tidy up and help you?

If you love him wouldn't you want to sit down with him and ask why it's got into that state and you are willing to help him as a one off get the place back to decent living standards and then be less demanding at having him at yours so that he gets time to keep on top of his housework?

It must be quite stressful for him having the messy home in his mind whilst he's at yours.

'@AgnesX Well yes, but of he lives alone and no one visits, who's it hurting? Plates in the sink, bins that need emptying, and some stuff on the counter does not a health hazard make'

The kitchen surfaces were covered by spilt food, his 'bin' had somehow metamorphosed into a plastic tesco bag (overflowing) that was hooked onto a corner of a drying rack (which had clothes on it); dishes piled high in the sink; opened food packets, and so on.

I went the loo whilst there as I was desperate. His bath was cleanish but the floor had hair and dust in the corners. The skirting boards had years of dirt on them. I just didn't want to touch anything.

Believe me, my place is not a show home. I disagree he hasn't time routinely to clean up. He has 5-6 hrs every night after work. He spends it online pretty much of the time, gaming, social media or writing. Of course, that's more interesting than cleaning but I have a far more stressful job than his, the same amount of weekly spare time but still manage to give the surfaces a quick wipe. I'm not expecting show home standards here ... just a very basic level of cleanliness that any self-respecting adult would have.

erm ... I never demand he comes over to my place. He chooses to do it. What an odd assumption.

Never move in with a slob. He will just give you mountains of work to do, cleaning up after him and you'll forever be a "nag" for asking him to step up.

Don't do it.

@ChocolateCinderToffee

I’d run a tissue along the top of a door and have a look in the bottom of the fridge

Why? The place is filthy. Do you think further hygiene inspections are necessary? Are OP's eyes inadequate for the job?

Don't shout at me @franticfeb I wasn't disagreeing with you. Reread my post, I agree with you as I don't care for slovenliness myself.

It’s not ‘dishes in the sink’….?

If it were just a few dishes in the sink, she wouldn’t be here posting.

You’re obviously downplaying it (substantially) for your own personal reasons, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Meanwhile, the OP is understandably put off enough to be reconsidering the relationship. Which is absolutely her right.

All this A Man is better than no man at all is unfathomable to me. Toss him back. There’s zillions more fish in the sea. Or, no fish at all is way better than someone who gives you the ick.

If its given you the complete ick there's no going back, and I will probably get lamped for saying this but...

His personal cleanliness is fine, you say you only got knowledge of this when visiting his home.

I couldn't live like that myself, but did you say he pulls his weight when at your home?

Urgh I'm so on the fence with this because if it was me I would have a frank talk with him on how you feel about it, spelling out that it's made you boke.

Part of me thinks if he's a good guy in every other way, he's clean in himself, maybe he's just got into a rut, I mean when you used to see the Kim and Aggie programmes the people who lived in the minging houses were decent in every other way, it had just got away from them.

Saying all that, maybe is too late as every time you look at him you think of it and get the screaming heebie jeebies, in which case it's not worth carrying on the relationship.

@AgnesX I wasn't shouting at you.

@MidnightSerenader I'm ND, so have spent my entire life being judged for things that just are not logical to me, but are "basic human stuff" to others.

I have an ocd parent and an Ocpd ex partner. I probably have low standards by other peoples values but that’s because ‘I can’. There’s an element of I don’t because there’s not someone constantly judging me for it. I’m completely capable of keeping to an acceptable standard with someone I care for But sometimes I do the ‘fuck it’ approach because there’s no one there to comment. Appreciate that it’s a bit fucked up and I need to do this for myself but it’s entirely possible that if he’s sharing spaces with someone his approach would be very different. You need to look at what he’s like in a shared space and decide from there

FYI dishes in the sink up to 24 hours until emptied dishwasher. Random stuff left in lounge, until I was walking up stairs without a handful, coffee cups by bed, study, until was walking downstairs without handful or had more than couple of days worth. Towels, do they smell. Sheets ideally every week but may extend if v busy