Catch 22 with my wife

[DadForHelp]

Hi everyone,

Please tell me if I'm being pathetic but I'm looking for some advice. My wife and I have 2 children (4 and 1). As you'd expect they take up a lot of time and balancing childcare and work is very exhausting. All the usual stuff.
But what I'm struggling with is my wife's seeming ambivalence to me. Bare with me, I know that sounds super needy. But... since our 2nd son was born in 2022, we have barely had any physical contact. I'm not talking about sex, I appreciate that can take time and am not in anyway trying to rush her. But We barely even touch. If we hug, it's because I initiate it. I could not tell you the last time we kissed (other than me kissing the top of her head when I hug her). This evening she went out and didn't even say goodbye. We weren't in a fight or anything, I nipped up stairs and when I came back down I heard the car pull away. The other night, she complained of some sciatica in her leg and when I tried to rub it she moved my hand and pulled the leg of her pajamas down and told me it was making her cold.
I just don't know what to do. If i mention how I'm feeling and nothing changes what does that mean? If things do change doesn't that mean she feels compelled to show me affection? I suppose like a lot of Dads I've put on a little weight since the kids came along. The pandemic put an end to my sports team for a year and then we moved so I've been living a much more sedentary lifestyle since then. I try to get to the gym but as the primary care giver its hard to get there consistently. So it's quite possible she simply doesn't find me attractive any more I suppose.
Whatever I do, I feel like I'm in a 'lose, lose' situation. I love my wife. I love my kids. I have no desire to go anywhere but... I just don't know what to do for the best.
Anyone have any advice?
(also sorry if this is not the kind of thing that normally gets posted here).

She's probably feeling completely and utterly 'touched out'. I get like that with 1 kid and don't even want a hug or to be touched sometimes.

She probably doesn’t have the time energy or headspace to have a libido. And she doesn’t need the physical affection as she gets plenty from the kids. It’s nothing you’ve done. Be patient.

This. Eventually the kids will stop hanging on her physical being every moment of the day and she will desire physical contact with you again. When you've been pawed at constantly the last thing you want is another body touching you. I know this is frustrating for you but it will eventually end. Is she breastfeeding the toddler too by any chance?

What they all said ⬆️ She’s touched out.

But also- do you pull your weight around the house? Contribute to cooking and cleaning etc? That can make a big difference.

Yes. I'm the primary care giver so I do most of the day to day up-keep of the house. I have never heard the expression 'touched out'. Thank you for the feedback folks. I will be patient - I have no problem with that. I was just worried I might be missing something.

Thank you for being honest.
Be honest with her, not jn a blame way just discussing how you feel. Make it a 2 way chat, ask her what she needs to feel loved, what more could you do? E.g. affectionate words, helpful deeds, small gifts, compliments, time off from family life...Good sex involves communication, so start from here.
things that could help...Schedule more time for doing stuff together with no kids around, and make time for her and you to have hobbies separately from each other. Does she do any exercise? Sometimes physical activity helps with libido.
If possible you could also start a new hobby together.
It is a difficult life phase you are both in, but its not wrong to feel as you do . If you approach it as a problem that takes concrete steps to fix, it could help?

Why are you primary care giver?

You could look up the 5 love languages book, it has useful ideas about how we want to show love and also receive love. Basically, it's different for everyone and changes at different life phases, so communicating this once you have that understanding can help a lot.
E.g. I love getting presents and compliments, it makes me feel loved. My husband doesn't. So I was giving him present and compliments and resenting that he didn't give them to me. Whereas now he knows, he does more, and also now I know, I ask for them. E.g. "I've had a pants day at work I feel insecure plese compliment me", it sounds naff but it worked for us.

So if you’re the primary caregiver, I take it your DW isn’t with the children all day? In which case, her being ‘touched out’ might be less likely. I was definitely ’touched out’ and not very receptive to intimacy or affection from my DH for a while, but I was with the children all day every day, extended bfing etc. One of my DC in particular was very clingy and was almost always on my lap/following me about/wanted to cuddle all the time. But if you’re a SAHD- maybe you’re the one being constantly pawed by the DC?!

Do you work? Do you have a life outside the home?

Touched out is a definite thing.

If you don’t work or have a social life outside the house you may also be relying on her too much to provide you with this lacking part of your life.

She’s probably physically and emotionally exhausted.

This. It's more worrisome if she's WOHM.

I think the only thing you can do is ask. State it's actually NOT about sex. Because when men say affection we hear sex because that's often what they mean. I know DH and I went short in the small baby stage but not of affection. We always kissed goodnight and goodbye and hugged hello. Always. It's really important.

Do you have any other concerns?

Also, all long term relationships schedule sex. It's not going to just spontaneously happen for most ppl after however many years, you have to work at it and prioritise it.

So, think back on when you were dating, how much time and energy and excitement went into it? How much foreplay/time together just chatting? It's impossible to totally recreate this but actively putting energy into your partnership is the key.
So, start with a weekly/monthly date night. Don't expect sex from it, but start with re-falling in love with communicating with each other.
Again, making concrete plans feels proactive too. Also, in a long term relationship things do go in cycles and you are in a tough time with your children being so young. If possible, ask older men for advice. Honestly, every relationship over 10 years will have gone through dry patches, you are not alone.

Ask her.

@cbbo @Waitingfordoggo @YukoandHiro @minipie
The OP is the primary care giver so your reasons make no sense

So stay at home moms are physically and mentally exhausted and working moms with stay at home dhs are also physically and mentally exhausted?
What about the OP? Are they not exhausted also?

Are you saying she's not allowed to feel touched out?

I feel for you, OP as this sounds quite difficult. I'm not really sure what to advise but don't think you are being pathetic.
My DH and I have 1 and a 5 year old and it's tough - definitely since DDs we stuggle to find the time or energy for much intimacy but we are still affectionate with each other and I would really miss it if we didn't have any cuddles/affection.

What is your relationship like otherwise? Do you ever have a chance to do nice things together, make each other laugh, Look after each other/do kind things for each other?

It may also be that your wife is used to a traditional male role as a "sexual " one, in terms of fantasies. So its not that you aren't attractive, but it may be that a stay at home parent role isn't if u c what I mean? ( hats off to you by the way, I did it for 5 years and it was relentless).
Ask her, it may be that she doesnt link safe man i can trust with my children and sexy in her mind somehow?
if so, maybe consider role playing coming home from work/taking your dad hat off and putting your dating hat on when you go out together e.g. agree bot to discuss the kids for an evening.

I hope it gets better

OP, you say you are the primary care giver, so does your wife go to work or does she wfh? Do you work at all of are you a stay at home Dad? These points may make a difference to the way she sees you. However, regardless of this she does sound very cold towards you if theres no affection and she doesn't even want to give you a hug.
Have you had a proper conversation with her to ask how she's feeling? It may be she's avoiding anything physical as she doesn't want it to lead to intimacy but if that's the case you at least need to know why.

As pp have said being touched out is definitely a thing.

It's also possible that she really doesn't want sex and is concerned that any physical intimacy might head in that direction.

Not wanting sex for quite a while after having kids is also reasonably common, even for a couple of years.

Some of the other things you mention sound like there's possibly more going on. You could try asking about how she's feeling. She could be depressed or have other problems with the relationship that are not just about a physical issue.

She works. He's the main caregiver for the household. I don't think she's so "touched out" that she can't bear her husband touching her leg in a non-sexual way. I am assuming that the OP doesn't have any disgusting personal habits like cleaning his teeth once a week or constant throat clearing, or cutting his toenails at the dining table or whatever. Is the house a dirty mess that she hates coming home to? Is she the one who takes responsibility for all the thinking/responsibility?

I assume when you say that you've put on weight that you mean a few pounds rather 50 pounds. Incidentally, weight is mostly a function of diet rather than exercise as it is very hard to burn enough calories to lose weight unless you're maybe a professional athlete.

I think you should talk to your wife. It may not be what you want to hear but I think this low level dread just wears you down. I do think there is something wrong here.

Sorry, one last thought. Are you dressing the dad bod in clothes that fit? You're not crammed into too small stuff with visible butt crack? Yes I know that it's shallow but people are often shallow.

Talk to her and discuss it. Be open and honest with how you are feeling. When you have had children with someone you should be able discuss everything.
I get the touched out feeling, after going to work, dealing with life in general it can feel like a chore to then be intimate with someone but it she appreciates you she will try and tend to your needs as you do hers.
Try a date night, doesn't have to be out of the house, when the kids are settled, movie time or game night. She may be oblivious to how she is being. I know sometimes Iam and I take my husband for granted at times.

Are we still asking this question in 2024? 🙄
Women can have carreers.
Men can take care of their families.
It's not that hard.

Being "touched out" doesn't explain why she would just go out without even saying goodbye. Even if my DH is in the bathroom I'll still shout up that I'm going out and say "bye love you".