Catch 22 with my wife

[DadForHelp]

Hi everyone,

Please tell me if I'm being pathetic but I'm looking for some advice. My wife and I have 2 children (4 and 1). As you'd expect they take up a lot of time and balancing childcare and work is very exhausting. All the usual stuff.
But what I'm struggling with is my wife's seeming ambivalence to me. Bare with me, I know that sounds super needy. But... since our 2nd son was born in 2022, we have barely had any physical contact. I'm not talking about sex, I appreciate that can take time and am not in anyway trying to rush her. But We barely even touch. If we hug, it's because I initiate it. I could not tell you the last time we kissed (other than me kissing the top of her head when I hug her). This evening she went out and didn't even say goodbye. We weren't in a fight or anything, I nipped up stairs and when I came back down I heard the car pull away. The other night, she complained of some sciatica in her leg and when I tried to rub it she moved my hand and pulled the leg of her pajamas down and told me it was making her cold.
I just don't know what to do. If i mention how I'm feeling and nothing changes what does that mean? If things do change doesn't that mean she feels compelled to show me affection? I suppose like a lot of Dads I've put on a little weight since the kids came along. The pandemic put an end to my sports team for a year and then we moved so I've been living a much more sedentary lifestyle since then. I try to get to the gym but as the primary care giver its hard to get there consistently. So it's quite possible she simply doesn't find me attractive any more I suppose.
Whatever I do, I feel like I'm in a 'lose, lose' situation. I love my wife. I love my kids. I have no desire to go anywhere but... I just don't know what to do for the best.
Anyone have any advice?
(also sorry if this is not the kind of thing that normally gets posted here).

2nd kid blues - this happens a lot. generally there is an image issue to address and your wife is probably trying to make herself feel and look better. she needs some confidence boost. this is normal especially after the 2nd pregnancy.

tell her its not working - explain why and how its impacting you and see if she wants to work things out. If yes, it might take a few cycles of trial and error - if the effort lapses, don't give up. If however, it persists, have another talk and see if there is a workaround.

Do you still sleep together? if its in separate rooms, both of you will need to start thinking of how to get you back in the bedroom. too many couples left this too long and next thing you know, both your kids will be in their teens and you live like a flatmate with your other half.

go on dates. even a quick lunch or coffee will do, but NOT at home. find time.

and get fit - it helps. plenty of home exercises to get you shredded from home - calisthenics do wonder without any free weights or equipment needed. look after yourself.

Don't leave this too long as you will grow further apart and it becomes harder to rectify.

He probably is, but physical and mental exhaustion can have different effects on different people.
For some it might affect their libido, for others it doesn't at all and having sex would give them a physical and mental boost.

They're also starting from a different start point seeing as the women are the only ones who can be pregnant and carry the baby and give birth and often naturally have no or low libido when they're postpartum so she will often need quite a long period of time to get over the physical and mental exhaustion for her libido to return, but the dads didn't lose theirs!

What about your conversations? Is she affectionate with her words, does she ask about your day and your feelings, do you do things like watch TV together and discuss the shows, does she tell you what she’s thinking/feeling/worrying about? When she went out did you know where she was going or had she not even felt the need to mention it to you?

If those things are still there then you’re probably OK. If you’ve lost those then the relationship sounds like it’s in trouble.

My first reaction was touched out too.

BUT, leaving wo saying a word? Nope sorry that is not ok. It’s rude at the very least. But also with two young dcs in the house, I’d want to be sure you know I’m out.

Having said that, the first year or two are the hardest and sometimes, it’s about riding the wave.

Apologies if it's been answered but is she breastfeeding?

Would you ask a woman that?

I think there's a few things here.

Firstly I agree with others that she may be feeling over whelmed and touched out. The early years can be really hard because kids need both parents but often depend really heavily on their mum and it can just feel really intense. (Not necessarily the case in your house you'd know best in that respect) I would say in the first year I didn't love or feel attracted to dh any less than before but I was so overwhelmed by the demand on me from ds and adjusting to being a parent that that took my full focus and it definitely made me less available to him as a wife. When ds started being able to be babysat (and not be distraught) and when the hormones and anxiety fog lifted at about 9 months post partum I started to feel a bit more 'myself' and things improved and I could be more available. Before that I was really just walking around functioning on the most basic level in a total daze. I could hold conversations but couldn't remember them and it really affected my cognitive functioning and decision making abilities.

I think you need to find space to sit down and talk to your wife. Get your kids baby sat, take her out for lunch and the cinema or something simple and ask her how she's feeling about your relationship. Ask if there's anything more she feels she needs from you or that you can help her with. Ask her how she feels within herself. And I'd tell her that you don't want to pressure her and you recognise that life is now so much busier but that you don't want to lose sight of your connection together completely. That you'd like to be more affectionate (not necessarily sexually until she's ready for that) but that you want to know how she feels about it because you want her to be comfortable. See what she says.

If your wife is breastfeeding it's also worth mentioning that can cause hormonal changes that can reduce libido significantly. As can lack of sleep etc. So you're both very much in the thick of it all.

I'd suggest to her that firstly you take the kids an afternoon a week (or whatever you feel is realistic) and she can go and do something for herself. I'd suggest that you plan a date just the two of you once a month. And in the meantime try to make sure you're taking on an equal half of the work at home (including caring responsibilities not just housework), continue to be loving and caring towards her. If physically she's touched out then just tell her verbally that you love her and compliment her etc. Recognise all she's doing and invest in her and your relationship where you have the mental availability to do so. Hopefully that will help her get to where you are.

If you're worried that her mood is low or she's withdrawn or anxious etc then speak to her directly about it and help her to open up to her hv or gp about it because it may be PPA or PPD.

I really think you need to talk to your wife about this. My wife and I are permanently exhausted, like most parents, but we cuddle on the sofa every night- a lack of physical affection can't automatically be attributed to being tired and 'touched out'. I really feel for you, OP- I would be miserable without physical affection.

@Lavender14 another one who’s missed the pertinent fact that OP is the primary carer - is the DW coming him from work and thanking OP for their efforts all day?!

OP there could be several reasons but none of us can know as your situation is unique to you.

whatever the reason/s your DW doesn’t want sex/touching its cruel to just flinch away from your touch. And I couldn’t ever leave the house without saying a word - I don’t even have a partner but would say bye to my teenagers when I go out even if just shouting up the stairs. That’s just common courtesy.

Your DW needs to communicate with you - if you think it will go badly maybe look at some couples counselling but be prepared that you might hear some difficult things - including that she doesn’t find you attractive for whatever reason, or that she has has her head turned by someone else.

If i mention how I'm feeling and nothing changes what does that mean

It means she didn't understand or didn't care. Ask her which one it is.

Essentially, tell her what you need and ask if she's willing to offer it to you. If her response leaves you satisfied, great. If not, keep talking. A forum won't solve this for you. Communication is the problem, so you and your partner have to solve it.

Does she actually know how much this is bothering you, or have you told us more than you've told her? If so, ask yourself why.

But what I'm struggling with is my wife's seeming ambivalence to me.

How does she seem with other people? Is she engaged with the kids? Does she see friends?

FFS 🙄🙄

So it's the woman's job to keep the man interested, and if she doesn't, it's kind of her fault that he has an affair? Is there anything else that 'women don't seem to understand', in your highly respected opinion?

Don’t feed the troll.

Thanks for the replys ladies ! Didn't disappoint and proved my point 🤣🤣🤣

*replies

Dumbo.

I got completely roasted on here for saying this but weight gain really does put some people off. My husband was 72 kg when we met and is 108kg. Sex is uncomfortable and I don’t feel attracted to him. A lot of the behaviours that make him fat are also unappealing, general laziness, overeating and not exercising.
I feel like I can say that as he really judges women who put on weight and I have battled mine in spite of life limiting illness to stay attractive to him.
maybe carve out some time for yourself to exercise? My husband wouldn’t let me go to the gym when mine were little so I bought a jogging buggy and took up running.

He wouldn’t let you go to the gym?
Your relationship doesn’t sound good either.

:( I am sad for you. I feel like you might try sitting down and having a talk with her. Communication is so important.

She left without saying good bye, that struck me as really rude/ uncaring. Did you know she was leaving for something? I'd have been really annoyed with DH.

Our sex life is all but non existent, but I am pregnant with no 2 and very sick. I got pregnant soon after finishing breastfeeding and wasn't interested then either.

But we do cuddle in bed. I think you need to try and have as honest a conversation as possible about what is going on. Make sure she knows it isn't about sex. Do ye do anything as a couple together? We don't and I know that has changed our relationship, I want to but DH says he wants to bring DS.

OP, I’ve got a 4 and a 1 year old too. I adore my DP but I’m touched out, burned out, mentalled out, everythinged out. It’s too many things: the constant questions and chatter from the four year old, so there’s never silence; the pure need of the one year old. We both work, me slightly less and with slightly more kid stuff, but we’re both just DONE: there’s no moment from 6am to 8pm that isn’t filled with children or work, then there’s the post-bedtime clear up. 9pm is my first time to exist as a human without someone else wanting something from me, and right now solitude and silence is more important than anyone else’s need or want. And then I can add guilt and fear and worry about the long-term repercussions on my relationship to the list of shit I’m under. Small children feels like drowning on dry land, sometimes.

Stuff like leaving the house without saying goodbye, is that really a big deal? DP and I would both do that, assuming we each knew the other was leaving. Why add another moment of interaction when freedom beckons? We had our anniversary the other day and agreed no gifts, no cards: the greatest gift was taking that chore off our plates! Things were like this before when DC1 was small, then got better. Then idiotically we had another. We both hold out hope things will get better again, and not a chance we’d have a third DC. Just hold on, is my best advice. Life is too much right now to have and do everything, but just hold on.

This. It was survival mode at those ages.