Catch 22 with my wife

[DadForHelp]

Hi everyone,

Please tell me if I'm being pathetic but I'm looking for some advice. My wife and I have 2 children (4 and 1). As you'd expect they take up a lot of time and balancing childcare and work is very exhausting. All the usual stuff.
But what I'm struggling with is my wife's seeming ambivalence to me. Bare with me, I know that sounds super needy. But... since our 2nd son was born in 2022, we have barely had any physical contact. I'm not talking about sex, I appreciate that can take time and am not in anyway trying to rush her. But We barely even touch. If we hug, it's because I initiate it. I could not tell you the last time we kissed (other than me kissing the top of her head when I hug her). This evening she went out and didn't even say goodbye. We weren't in a fight or anything, I nipped up stairs and when I came back down I heard the car pull away. The other night, she complained of some sciatica in her leg and when I tried to rub it she moved my hand and pulled the leg of her pajamas down and told me it was making her cold.
I just don't know what to do. If i mention how I'm feeling and nothing changes what does that mean? If things do change doesn't that mean she feels compelled to show me affection? I suppose like a lot of Dads I've put on a little weight since the kids came along. The pandemic put an end to my sports team for a year and then we moved so I've been living a much more sedentary lifestyle since then. I try to get to the gym but as the primary care giver its hard to get there consistently. So it's quite possible she simply doesn't find me attractive any more I suppose.
Whatever I do, I feel like I'm in a 'lose, lose' situation. I love my wife. I love my kids. I have no desire to go anywhere but... I just don't know what to do for the best.
Anyone have any advice?
(also sorry if this is not the kind of thing that normally gets posted here).

This is mine and dp’s day too, but our 4year old seams to be able to function on very little sleep. Its a good night if he's sleeping before 11pm. We also make a point of lying in bed having a cuddle at the end of the day tho even if its just for a few minutes

to be honest i think this needs a conversation a really honest one. YES it could be that shes touched out and i totally understand that feeling BUT it could also be a wife whos going through something OR has fallen out of love

This.

What is her manner like generally?

The fact that she doesn't even bother to say Goodbye. Rude!

Do you chat? Discuss your days? Go out with/without the children?

What on earth has that got to do with anything, it's 2024 not 1974

Id be amazed if there isnt some relevant backstory. But you do you.

Have you tried talking with her at all ? Do you think she might be seeing someone else ? Maybe post natal depression ? Either way , that’s no way of living and you are obviously still in love with her and want a good relationship . I know you are scared she won’t care even after you talk with her and of what that might mean but you really need to discuss it

Lots of possible reasons.

Asking her is good but she may not even know why herself.

Try communicating affectionately but in a way that reminds her that she's an adult or non PDAs like you used to when she needed to know she wouldn't have to slap your face. As in back in those first days. And as much babysitting as you can con out of people. If she's anything like me, her greatest erotic fantasy s eight hours uninterrupted kip.

I was the partner that became distant from my ex. Over time, he lost his drive and motivation to work, put on weight, and neglected his hygiene. I couldn't bear to touch him, partly because of his appearance and smell, and partly because I had lost a lot of respect for him. I tried to help him regain motivation and encouraged him to take pride in himself but to no avail. I held on for a long time because I dearly hoped he would return to the man I knew and loved.

This is just my personal experience, I really wish you the best of luck with your situation.

I asked that too but OP disappeared off without coming back to answer. Maybe he’s also that rude in real life?!

This seems possibly straight forward.
His wife has become the primary bread winner and is likely resentful of it, while her husband gets to be looked after and spend time with the house and the kids.

Is she working full time and you the primary care giver by choice OP? A lot of women think it sounds great on paper but then find they don't actually fancy the bloke anymore when he's pootling round and always in hang around the house kind of gear, and not earning the cash (the reverse can be true too) it shouldn't be like that but minds are funny things - I've met very few women with young kids who are that bothered about sex too- but your wife actually sounds quite rude.

I think as a man, I have to accept that if I am not the main bread winner, contempt might well follow. A shame, but it cannot be a shock.

Surely that’s not a given?

If a woman wants a big career and kids then why would she have contempt for a man who takes on the lion’s share or duties at home to facilitate that?

Or two people who work in industries where pay varies massively but both work equally as hard eg a woman in banking and the man is a teacher?

I think contempt is only a given if the man is just a lazy sponger.

@Sweden99

I think as a man, I have to accept that if I am not the main bread winner, contempt might well follow. A shame, but it cannot be a shock

This only makes sense for people who accept patriarchy. Otherwise it's tosh.

I think it should be tosh. I can see in nations that are more progressive than the UK, and particularly the younger generation, that it increasingly is tosh. I do not think the UK is there yet.

Why would she be resentful if he's managing the home and children - and not just making some half arsed effort and the place is still a pig sty from incompetence. And he's doing things without having to be told to.

She's probably equally as tired as he is - going to work isn't an escape as some people seem to think.

@Heather37231, I really agree that should be the case. I think old fashioned expectations are still a massive influence though.

@AgnesX, We do not know of course. I certainly do not from the little information we have. My impression is that it is contempt, perhaps borne of tiredness and partriarchal expectations.
I would say, that if I was not working and got fat, I would not be shocked if I was treated with contempt.

Putting on weight can happen if someone is stressed but isn't automatically a reason for being treated with contempt.... A lot of weight might contribute to a lack of intimacy if linked to a lack of personal hygiene and depression though.

As you say 🤷

@AgnesX, I think we agree. Many of us are influenced my gender roles no matter how arbitary they are.
Again, the OP has disappeared.
The opposite sex are often seen at their best in work place, where they are doing something they are competent at. Coming home can be a shock and if the man is not confident, and relying on her emotionally, socially and economically, it can be a turn off. Of course, that can apply both ways. But we do have a legacy of patriarchy.

I’ve never seen my husband in his work place, nor has he seen me in mine!

@Heather37231, I beg your pardon. I am sure you have seen your colleagues in their workplace and people will be giving a better impression perhaps than they do at home.

No idea, but they are not the ones I want to sleep with so it’s kind of irrelevant really 🤷‍♀️

OTOH I find my husband perfectly attractive without having witnessed him talk a meeting through his latest Excel pivot table…

@Heather37231, glad to hear it!
:D
For the OP's wife, she might be seeing professional men, being capable at work and then coming home to a chap who is dependent. Just speculation!

My partner could have written this.
I am the same towards him, touched out and burnt out, and most of all - it isn't a personal reason towards him.