MIL has alzheimers - husband now prioritising nothing else

[readingbored]

Need advice on how to ensure DH balances responsibilities. My MIL has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is still OK, driving and living in her own house etc. just her short term memory is going slowly downhill, so it is early days with the disease.

My husband has always been very protective of her. my FIL died in 2014 and since then my DH will always go straight around her house 5 minutes away if she needs something sorting out. It's usually computer or admin related but other requests too. He has a sister but she lives 3 hours away and less capable of helping. I've have always had an issue with this because he will always prioritise his mum's needs above all else. If she calls he goes. If I ask for help, I'm told he'll "add it to the list" or get around to it at some point, or sometimes just told off for nagging. Things wait for months if ever to get done here, which I know if they were MIL asking would be done immediately. He doesn't really work as a team.

If she has a medical appointment he takes her no issue, taking time off work. When I'm ill I get no support. He never came to growth scans both times I was pregnant (just the regular 12 and 20 week scans), hasn't taken me to doctors when I was really unwell, just expecting me to do it all by myself saying he can't take time out. I was very faint at work a month ago. A colleague took me home. He reluctantly came home to WFH as I was unwell, but refused to take me to the doctors appointment, so I drove myself feeling faint and anxious I had a blood clot (as have a condition). I assumed he had no time, but when I got back he went for a 1/2 hour walk outside by himself. Anther time I had a UTI, he refused to go to the doctors to fetch my meds for me.

I have so many examples of when he has prioritised his mum or deprioritised me, I could write a book.

He is now busily sorting her financial affairs to try and get things in order. The house also has hoarded things over 40 years, and needs work to get in order in anticipation that in future she will no longer be able to be there.

At home we have two children under 10 and I work 4 days a week as a solicitor. I work from home mostly. He works in the office mostly. That in itself leads to me dealing with more childcare for which I am also resentful. He is about to start a new role at his company that will mean 5 days in the office, and longer hours too.

I am very concerned that things are only going to get worse as my MIL gets worse, with me holding the fort here, while he deals with his mum and his work. There are various things I want to do with the house to update it this year. We also need to choose a secondary school for our eldest. He won't engage in any discussions about these things, saying he has no time. But equally won't let me just go ahead and sort them without his input. I'm scared we are going to end up putting our lives on hold for years while he just focuses on his mum. This fear may sound irrational, but really has built up over the course of our 12 year marriage where I have felt he has repeatedly prioritised his mother.

I have raised the issue with him, but he says it's either not true and makes it look like I am being really unreasonable, or is just very defensive about his mum and the fact she is a widow. Sometimes he will turn the conversation around and make me into the bad person for even raising the topic.

I totally have sympathy for my MIL's situation (though annoyed all her affairs are disorganised, so we are now ending up having to sort them for her), and am doing what I can to help too, but I feel like he isn't listening when I am trying to explain what I am worried about, and how this is making me feel. This is causing a distance between us, and damaging our relationship.

Basically, when I have said how frustrating it is that he is spending every free minute at the moment working on his mum's stuff, and that he's having to do that because she hasn't really got on top of it all when she was totally capable of doing so, he literally said I have to just "suck it up". There's no empathy with my point of view at all.

It feels to me that my husband is now doing too much for her already, where she actually is still capable of many things; he's already being over protective. She is happy with this, as she hates dealing with the admin and loves having her son over at her house, so no push back from her or offer to help.

My DH as a personality is very "duty" driven. or at least duty to parents, children, employer, not so much to his wife. He's the kind of person who will take on the role of carer in the extreme and not accept external help. He will make himself unwell in the doing so, but believes it's his duty nonetheless. I have suggested getting a de-clutterer company to come in to help in the house, but he won't do that, I've recommended getting the solicitors to sort the paperwork, but he would rather use up his precious time doing it all himself to save a few pounds, where we could afford to get external help.

I'm not looking for recommendations to leave my husband, though of course it could come to that in future. I'm looking for advice from those in a similar situation who found a way through to ensure family life was balanced well with caring responsibilities, and how to communicate with a uncommunicative and unempathetic spouse to ensure your feelings are taken into account in this kind of sensitive situation.

I've just been told I've got to help his mother more and will have to in future. He hasn't spoken to me about whether I'm Ok with this, what he means by this. Just expects me to acquiesce. What is really needed is a sit down conversation about what people's expectations are in all this. A non-starter for me would be moving his mother in with us, for example. Likewise if he semi moved in there rather than getting outside carer help, that also would not be OK. As it's early days in the diagnosis, I don't know when it's appropriate to have this kind of conversation. I suspect he will put off discussing things until nearer to them happening, as then he doesn't have to accept yet too much that his mum will change).

This may all sound like I am being selfish, and perhaps I am, but mainly I'm trying to be protective of our family and relationship and it doesn't continue to suffer detrimentally due to the situation which we now all find ourselves in. We are already overstretched with our own work and family without adding caring responsibilities. I am also suffering perimenopause symptoms regularly and not feeling as able to cope as I used to. I don't feel like he's fighting for ensuring our relationship and family are impacted as little as possible. I need to set boundaries and expectations now, otherwise I know it will just get worse and worse, and I will be ignored, side-lined and my needs and feelings not taken into account.

You are not being selfish, he is. He has long prioritised your MIL over you and that's not ok in my view. I think IIWY (and obviously I'm not!) I would concentrate on what is within my control and try to put the rest on hold for a while.

It is completely unfair for your DH to say he won't get involved and yet you can't deal with stuff on your own, it is infantilising and irritating. So I would sort anything on your own that you can, for example schools. Give him the opportunity to get involved but if he chooses not to, do it anyway. So "I am going to see x school and may apply, you are welcome to come too" but if he doesn't just do it, you can't put everything on hold waiting for him to decide it's top of his priority list.

I think I'd also make it crystal clear that MIL living with you will not be ok with you. It may not come to that but he cannot decide that unilaterally.

I'm sorry about your MIL but also I'm sorry your husband is being so controlling (because this is what it is) and not prioritising your needs. I think also if you want something doing, do it yourself without asking him or pay someone to do it. Stop consulting him - if he won't negotiate on priorities or even discuss them then fair enough IMO. Good luck.

Also, counselling might be an idea. But if he won't / you can't do that then I think you have to find a way to live your life in a way that works for you as best as you can without always considering his priorities. I know what you mean about the false economies, my dh sometimes does this - he'll spend ages doing something that would cost us £10 to sort, waste of time!

Also, can you pay for some childcare or after school help to allow you to concentrate on work? Or whatever will help. It's not fair that the domestic stuff falls to you because you're WFH - the W part of that brings in money!

I think you need to be tough. You won't be helping with DMIL as you have a home and a family to care for. If he chooses to do so it is up to him.
This probably has years/ ? a decade to run.

I would get stuff in place to help you eg cleaner, tutor for DCs, whatever makes your life simpler. Eg give him an ultimatum on the DCs secondary school choices. This is much more important than DMIL ageing.

It's up to him and his Dsis to care for DMIL as you don't have the/any spare time. You are very sad for DMIL but prioritise your DCs.

He won't be happy but will probably run himself ragged 'caring' - he should be making sensible plans with all of the family included. It doesn't sound as if she is on her way out any time soon so this will run and run.

Tbh it sounds like this is just the latest in a long saga of marriage issues (all along a similar theme).

I'd recommend marriage counselling. Before you discuss it with DH I'd seriously consider what you will do if he says no and things continue as they are/get worse. If you think the result would be that you'd leave him (or you are already beginning to plan for that possibility) then you should tell him - let him know what is at stake.

You can acknowledge that it is understandable that he wants to spend time with his mother while she is still recognisably herself. That shouldn't come at a significant personal cost to you or the children.

Eesh, there are elements of this that my husband could have written.

My mum has Alzheimer's. She's still fairly early stages, but there are good days and bad days, and it keeps surprising me how many things she is no longer able to do. She moving to be closer to us, and my husband's not happy about it as he thinks I'll end up spending even more time on my mum, which is probably true, but it'll be easier with her ten minutes away rather than over an hour away.

It is SO hard when your surviving parent starts slipping away. However - he should be supporting you too. I've had a bit of a blind spot with this with my husband, as I feel he's a capable adult and should be able to just get on with stuff, where as my mum is not capable anymore, but it's different as my husband has form for whinging when he's not the centre of my attention.

Give yours a kick up the arse, but an empathetic one. It's a really tough situation, but he does have to balance your family's needs as well as his mum's.

He also really really really should get carers/cleaners in for her, as when the time comes when her care needs to be ramped up then there will be people already in place who you can increase the hours for. That's best for her, as the people will already be known to her, but it will also stop your husband being a bit of a martyr if there's someone else to keep the day to day under control.

Having a parent with Alzheimer’s is extremely stressful and traumatic. I feel for him and it’s only going to get worse. In many areas there is next to no support unless you can pay for carers.
The one thing I will say, though, is that he can’t possibly manage it all himself. Especially with a family of his own. At some point he will need to get extra help in, and this is better sooner rather than later, for everyone’s sake. Can he speak to anyone who has been through similar?

A lot of what you're saying he's doing is absolutely unacceptable, especially the lack of care when you're unwell etc, but that feels like it's a separate thing from your mil issue. Though I do understand why it makes you fume when he appears to jump for her not you.

I'm in the same situation as him with a parent very recently diagnosed with dementia, so I might be able to provide a little insight into what might be going on in his head?

My mother's affairs are a mess, but that's because she's been hiding her issues and has been struggling for a while. Your mil is likely to have been doing the same.

I jump immediately, but that's because if I don't she'll spiral and then instead of spending an hour there, I'll be there all day. It really isn't because I want to go. Not at all.

Also she's scared and looking for reassurance. My sibling is useless, and I'm suddenly the adult. I don't know what to say to make it better, I'm scared too but trying to give comfort in any way I can. It's a kind of exhausting I simply can't describe.

My DH and DC mean the absolute world to me, and I've told DH I'm struggling but I promise I'll get there when I (and mum) come to terms with it. If DH was kicking off I don't know what I would do truthfully. I do know that I'll never forget how supportive he's being to me right now.

We both have stressful jobs, and are often like ships that pass in the night, juggling kids, dogs etc but we know we love each other and this too shall pass.

If you can talk to him OP, tell him you understand he needs support, to come to terms with everything, but that you need to know you matter too. So at some point In the next few months you're going to have to speak about what the future holds for mil. That way you're not adding to his immediate problems, but you're telling him this can't continue forever. Best of luck.

I think this is a really good message to be honest OP. It’s a really difficult time.

I also think some of your points is you being a bit unreasonable, you don’t need him to take time out of work to take you to doctors appointments or to go pick up antibiotics for a water infection for you. His mum does need that support now.

I also think this is part of life, parents raise and look after their children and one day their children need to help look after their parents. It is the circle of life. I also think especially with something like Alzheimers, speaking from experience as someone who has already lost 1 grandparent to it and will soon lose another, you have no idea how insignificant other things feel when faced with that. I’m not surprised at all that choosing a school or discussing home upgrades is at the bottom of his priority list right now, Alzheimers is a horrific thing to deal with and it’s arguably so much worse for the people around the person than for the person themselves. It’s the fear of knowing you will lose someone slowly and then one day they won’t be here at all.

For me, it’s a time to just provide support to your husband. It is without doubt a really hard time, don’t make it harder, painting the walls in the bedroom might be one of the biggest and most pressing things in your life right now but it’s no surprise that it is not as crucial in his life right now.

to be clear, I needed a lift to doctors as I could have fainted driving or been unsafe as I was very low blood pressure. If I had had a clot that is very serious and that is what I was getting checked out. It was tricky to get own meds as I might have wet myself on the trip to doctors and my DH was not working that day. MIL can drive and has her sister who is retired near by who can also take her to appointments, but instead my husband takes time off.

I haven't said DH shouldn't look after MIL or that I shouldn't I said we need to strike a balance and he has a history of not doing that, so was asking how to strike the balance.

I can live with not painting walls now, but I can't live with it for 10 years.

I don’t think you are unreasonable OP.

This is not a new issue. Your H has benn slowly checking out of your marriage for years . Ignoring times when you’ve needed him and dismissing your concerns.

He needs to understand this attitude is damaging your relationship. It could be fatal if he doesn’t address it.
You can’t support him if you feel unsupported and second best.

His mum needs support , she will get worse , has H applied for attendance allowance ? This could go towards paying for care , a cleaner etc.
There are solutions including his sister.

H does sound very duty bound to his mum. But he also has a duty to his wife and kids he’s struggling to uphold at moment

and growth scans are the non-ordinary course ones you get called to where your belly measurements aren't OK where you can be told baby is undersize as not developing properly. Thankfully all was OK, but I went to those appointments alone and may have had to handle bad news alone.

I’m disgusted that he did that to you when you needed him. He needs a reality check and soon

I wonder what it would be like if his mother wasn't around. Because it sounds like he doesn't respect you, value you or care for you. I appreciate you can see things getting more and more difficult as his mother becomes more unwell, but if his attitude is that your concerns are not his problem, i don't know how you can fix this if he doesn't want to. You're picking up everything at home so he can concentrate on his own priorities so why would he want this to change? Maybe he will miraculously change and become a supportive loving partner but your description doesn't support this.

I have to agree with @IamRoyFuckingKent.

When your husband says that it isn't true or making that you're being unreasonable, that would be the biggest red flag for me.

You have to decide what you want at this point @readingbored because if your husband is telling you that you will have to do X or Y for his mother and you're just expected to fall in with that, you may have very different thoughts on the matter.

Why would you be expected to help his mother when he isn't helping you when you're unwell?? That's a two way street but it seems to me that it has and is one way at the moment - from you to other people. You're getting nothing back in return.

Is this the same poster who has the husband who says that he doesn't think his wife (who is a solicitor) has a 'real job'? Just wondering.

In your shoes @readingbored, I would be preparing for a separation and then possibly a divorce. His sister who lives 3 hrs away will have to play a larger role in the care of her mother or they will have to make the decision to put their mother into a home, sell the house to pay for the care but I can't see your marriage lasting unfortunately, and it will not be down to a lack of effort on your part.

I really don't know what to say, because for some unfathomable reason, you are actually choosing to stay with this man. He is not "just" selfish and dismissive of your needs and feelings, he is abusive. Refusing to help your spouse when they are in need to serious medical issues is abuse, plain and simple. What an absolutely dreadful example that's being set for your children. Don't think that your kids don't notice how dismissive and uncaring he is towards you, and how unhappy you are, because they are well aware. You are normalising this dysfunction for them.

All you are doing now is wasting precious years postponing the inevitable. Nothing will ever change in regards to your husband's behaviour. As soon as his mother is dead he will just focus his attention and selfishness to something else, and it will not be you. You are just his PA, child minder and skivvy who keeps absolutely everything ticking along.

Fuck that, fuck him, you deserve better. I'd be out of there like a shot. You don't need him.

OP the only person whose behavior you can control is yourself. You ate describing a husband who is not torn between two equally important duties (family and mother) but who sees his mother and his needs as paramount and you as the hired help who manage his other responsibilities (house, children). He doesn’t factor your needs in, or change work schedules, any more than you would for your housekeeper or gardener if they needed driving to the doctor.

He treats you like the support staff and leaves you with sll the responsibility of child rearing without the authory.

If he doesn’t recognize that there is a problem—like can’t even say “Im sorry I neglect you and the children “ then no counseling will help.

Im afraid you will need to consider separating sooner rather than later. Alternatively: just make decisions or spend money to make your life easier. When he complains just say “you were busy with your mom’s affairs so I hired the painters/made the decision etc…

What would happen if you very bluntly told him that he was failing in his duty as a husband and father..?

I would suggest counselling and if he refuses leave him as he doesn’t care much for you. Don’t waste the next 10 years of your life fighting for attention.

I have some suggestions to make.

Firstly, she will decline and he will reach a point where he can't do enough to keep her in her own home. He's likely to find this emotionally overwhelming.

Even the thought of it is likely to be driving some of his behaviour as he is now the adult and is having to look after her. This is really difficult for many people and I would cut him some slack for at least six months or so.

That having been said, if he wants you to do stuff, don't engage in discussion about it, because this is an expression of his worry about her. Just be unavailable.

I'm sorry I can't I'm working.
I'm sorry I know it's difficult but I am busy that day.

If he talks about moving her in then you could say what I said - then I will move out and your marriage will be over. Hardball but I meant it.

With respect to the decision-making, I would suggest either trying to calendar in a meeting, or setting a deadline and saying that if it was not done by X date you would make a decision on your own.

Honestly op? The time to sort this out has passed. Your dh is fucked - it's going to get worse, incrementally, inevitably, potentially over a very long time.

He's going to struggle to work which is likely why he's trying to line you up to chip in, he'll come under huge pressure from services to do as much caring as possible to save the state from contributing.

The absolute best thing he could be doing at the moment in terms of trying to take some pressure off in the future is working our her finances and decluttering. If he doesn't already have POAs in place then he needs to get them in place before she's no longer capable.

It wrecks people, and your dh is obviously not going to step back and wash his hands of it all, and really it's now past the point where it would be reasonable for you to expect him to do so - this isn't prioritising doing her garden over a paint job.

It doesn't really sound like your marriage will survive this - it clearly wasn't in a great place before and you're obviously going to feel more and more resentful of the time he spends there, and it will increase - my parents were taking a 120 mile round trip 4 times a week to provide care just before the point where my relative finally went into a nursing home. It nearly killed my mother but nothing on earth would have prevented her doing it, and I think if my dad hadn't been supporting her she would have left him.

In my experience, it won't be long until she needs a lot more help and there will be things that your husband possibly will want you to do, on a hygiene level. So you do need to start having these conversations now.

To be honest, the alzheimers (and mother in law in general) is completely irrelevant. He doesn't love you or seem to like you so why are you staying in the relationship?

The least you can do for yourself is, when asked/told to do something on behalf of the MiL, just say "no" or "too busy dealing with other stuff" or "don't want to"

it is hard to give advice as I’d have rented a new place and moved me and the dc out and left a letter ‘I do all the parenting for our children for both of us, so no I won’t be stepping up to help your mum as you have ordered, im stepping down as your wife. My solicitors will be in touch.’ His behaviour is disgusting, this isn’t about his mum, from what you say he has always been an emotional and practical vacuum and you have never had him to lean on. It’s not a marriage.

But since you don’t want to do that, he’s not being a husband or dad. I’d stop consulting. You’re the only effective parent. Sign the kids up to whatever you want them to do. Get the house painted whatever colour you want. He’s opted out, stop letting him control you. When he mentions you helping your mum you say I can’t, someone has to parent our children and you don’t want the job. You will have to get carers in.

Have you talked about the plans for the future?
My husband's father living with us with dementia.
I constantly worried about how things were going to be when it got worse (he would need 24/7 care).
I also find it very difficult to talk to my husband about this. He isn't prioritising him in our everyday life but I still find it very hard not to be able to discuss the future which will be affecting us.
Is your MIL will move in with you? Does she have enough pension/money for a live-in nurse? How about homes?
These are important things to consider. Maybe start with these questions first- you will have a better idea of what his plans are- it will affect you in every single way, maybe even financially too. You need to know this- you must be comfortable with the future plans- if not, you have big decisions to make.