Need advice on how to ensure DH balances responsibilities. My MIL has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is still OK, driving and living in her own house etc. just her short term memory is going slowly downhill, so it is early days with the disease.
My husband has always been very protective of her. my FIL died in 2014 and since then my DH will always go straight around her house 5 minutes away if she needs something sorting out. It's usually computer or admin related but other requests too. He has a sister but she lives 3 hours away and less capable of helping. I've have always had an issue with this because he will always prioritise his mum's needs above all else. If she calls he goes. If I ask for help, I'm told he'll "add it to the list" or get around to it at some point, or sometimes just told off for nagging. Things wait for months if ever to get done here, which I know if they were MIL asking would be done immediately. He doesn't really work as a team.
If she has a medical appointment he takes her no issue, taking time off work. When I'm ill I get no support. He never came to growth scans both times I was pregnant (just the regular 12 and 20 week scans), hasn't taken me to doctors when I was really unwell, just expecting me to do it all by myself saying he can't take time out. I was very faint at work a month ago. A colleague took me home. He reluctantly came home to WFH as I was unwell, but refused to take me to the doctors appointment, so I drove myself feeling faint and anxious I had a blood clot (as have a condition). I assumed he had no time, but when I got back he went for a 1/2 hour walk outside by himself. Anther time I had a UTI, he refused to go to the doctors to fetch my meds for me.
I have so many examples of when he has prioritised his mum or deprioritised me, I could write a book.
He is now busily sorting her financial affairs to try and get things in order. The house also has hoarded things over 40 years, and needs work to get in order in anticipation that in future she will no longer be able to be there.
At home we have two children under 10 and I work 4 days a week as a solicitor. I work from home mostly. He works in the office mostly. That in itself leads to me dealing with more childcare for which I am also resentful. He is about to start a new role at his company that will mean 5 days in the office, and longer hours too.
I am very concerned that things are only going to get worse as my MIL gets worse, with me holding the fort here, while he deals with his mum and his work. There are various things I want to do with the house to update it this year. We also need to choose a secondary school for our eldest. He won't engage in any discussions about these things, saying he has no time. But equally won't let me just go ahead and sort them without his input. I'm scared we are going to end up putting our lives on hold for years while he just focuses on his mum. This fear may sound irrational, but really has built up over the course of our 12 year marriage where I have felt he has repeatedly prioritised his mother.
I have raised the issue with him, but he says it's either not true and makes it look like I am being really unreasonable, or is just very defensive about his mum and the fact she is a widow. Sometimes he will turn the conversation around and make me into the bad person for even raising the topic.
I totally have sympathy for my MIL's situation (though annoyed all her affairs are disorganised, so we are now ending up having to sort them for her), and am doing what I can to help too, but I feel like he isn't listening when I am trying to explain what I am worried about, and how this is making me feel. This is causing a distance between us, and damaging our relationship.
Basically, when I have said how frustrating it is that he is spending every free minute at the moment working on his mum's stuff, and that he's having to do that because she hasn't really got on top of it all when she was totally capable of doing so, he literally said I have to just "suck it up". There's no empathy with my point of view at all.
It feels to me that my husband is now doing too much for her already, where she actually is still capable of many things; he's already being over protective. She is happy with this, as she hates dealing with the admin and loves having her son over at her house, so no push back from her or offer to help.
My DH as a personality is very "duty" driven. or at least duty to parents, children, employer, not so much to his wife. He's the kind of person who will take on the role of carer in the extreme and not accept external help. He will make himself unwell in the doing so, but believes it's his duty nonetheless. I have suggested getting a de-clutterer company to come in to help in the house, but he won't do that, I've recommended getting the solicitors to sort the paperwork, but he would rather use up his precious time doing it all himself to save a few pounds, where we could afford to get external help.
I'm not looking for recommendations to leave my husband, though of course it could come to that in future. I'm looking for advice from those in a similar situation who found a way through to ensure family life was balanced well with caring responsibilities, and how to communicate with a uncommunicative and unempathetic spouse to ensure your feelings are taken into account in this kind of sensitive situation.
I've just been told I've got to help his mother more and will have to in future. He hasn't spoken to me about whether I'm Ok with this, what he means by this. Just expects me to acquiesce. What is really needed is a sit down conversation about what people's expectations are in all this. A non-starter for me would be moving his mother in with us, for example. Likewise if he semi moved in there rather than getting outside carer help, that also would not be OK. As it's early days in the diagnosis, I don't know when it's appropriate to have this kind of conversation. I suspect he will put off discussing things until nearer to them happening, as then he doesn't have to accept yet too much that his mum will change).
This may all sound like I am being selfish, and perhaps I am, but mainly I'm trying to be protective of our family and relationship and it doesn't continue to suffer detrimentally due to the situation which we now all find ourselves in. We are already overstretched with our own work and family without adding caring responsibilities. I am also suffering perimenopause symptoms regularly and not feeling as able to cope as I used to. I don't feel like he's fighting for ensuring our relationship and family are impacted as little as possible. I need to set boundaries and expectations now, otherwise I know it will just get worse and worse, and I will be ignored, side-lined and my needs and feelings not taken into account.