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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend always booking holidays alone

91 replies

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 08:25

Can I get some feedback please?
My boyfriend and I are both in our 50s and 60s. I've been married with a child (60's) He has never married and am sure he has Autism ...either that or he's a narcissist. Since we met 2 years ago he just books holidays that come up on his FB feed several times a year and says I can come along' knowing full well I can't because I have a heart condition which causes me anxiety if the flight is very long or to a far flung place like Nepal for example (I need to be hospitalized,if my heart wont slow down)He has gone alone to places I say I'd love to go to and which I could possibly have gone to ..which has upset me. We don't do anything much together except have a meal together twice a week...once at his place and once at mine. I did go to Eastern Europe to meet him once...I pay for everything myself. I am so confused and hurt and wonder if I'm just selfish. I dont think he's ever spent a penny on me really...I got binbags for Christmas ! I'm really struggling with all this.

OP posts:
80s · 29/01/2024 16:18

I have challenged him on this...he is quite clear saying I'm his gf
Is this the only condition there is for being your bf?
Tell him you aren't his gf any more and go on a nice holiday to a place you like.

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:20

This is why am so confused.
Think am trauma bonded to him...I am trying to work it out.
Been reading loads about narcissists and autism..
just not sure. Feel emotionally abused tbh

OP posts:
Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:25

Yes it was a holiday...he was stopping over in Sofia before going on to other places. I went out with him just to be with him and was okay for him to go off on day trips while I looked around Sofia. He saw me in the evenings when I would arrange places to eat but he was sulky and horrid with me . I swore I'd never see him again but somehow slipped back into it

OP posts:
Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:28

He said he heard me say I needed binbags. Am sure he is autistic. He also gave me breadsticks as he buys them in bulk and a box of teabags

OP posts:
Comedycook · 29/01/2024 16:29

A man going on holiday alone to EE and being annoyed at his girlfriend turning up? I know what I think....

roses321 · 29/01/2024 16:31

Can we just put aside the "he has autism" excuse please? He's selfish and he makes you feel like shit. Why does he need to have a diagnosis? Even if he was autistic that doesn't actually provide an excuse for him to be treating you this way.

Yes you may be trauma bonded - i'm still overcoming one of those myself so I know where you're coming from. I was obsessed with the idea that my ex must be narcissistic or must have this or that and in the end it doesn't actually matter, what matters is if you're happy or not and if you're getting your needs met or not and the answer to both of those is no, and no.

As a result of that you don't have to have an excuse to end the relationship or decide it's not for you. If he was diagnosed as autistic tomorrow it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to the reality of your relationship.

My instinct is that he's just a selfish jerk with narc tendencies and what you need to understand is that if you allow it, it will continue. People will keep doing things if you allow them to - here's how it works:

They do thing you don't like > You say you don't like it > they either dismiss it or say they'll change > Nothing changes and they keep doing it > You stay.

Sometimes the best way to deal with things is by way of actions, by way of removing your presence from their lives as painful as it might be. You can read my story in my previous posts - i know how painful it can be I really do. However this guy isn't going to change, and a diagnosis isn't going to make a difference except to give you another reason for putting up with his behaviour.

SmashedPrawnsInAMilkyBasket · 29/01/2024 16:32

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:20

This is why am so confused.
Think am trauma bonded to him...I am trying to work it out.
Been reading loads about narcissists and autism..
just not sure. Feel emotionally abused tbh

Stop thinking about him as a psychology study. You don’t need to label him! Just realise that, whatever is ‘wrong’ with him, he is wrong for you. There’s nothing in this relationship for you, he isn’t adding anything to your life, and you will be better off without him. You share so little that there’s nothing to unpick in ending things - it just needs one short call. Or even a text. Value yourself and do it as a big gift to you. Much better than big bags and breadsticks.

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:34

Interesting you say that. I think we do kind of like each other but think I've trauma bonded to him. Had lots of sex initially which was nice but then it suddenly stopped..I couldnt understand it. I cried at the binbags but he didn't see that as he was staying with his parents for Xmas. He makes me feel so guilty for everything. Again I was angry and let him know but he apologised and seemed to not understand why I was mad...thats why I think he's autistic or...something

OP posts:
Comedycook · 29/01/2024 16:36

Does it even matter if he's autistic or not? You don't have to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. Even if he is autistic, that doesn't mean you have to stay together forever

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:37

You actually sound very like him. I guess I thought as he called me his gf he might want to go on holidays with me sometimes to places not so far away I can go too

OP posts:
SmashedPrawnsInAMilkyBasket · 29/01/2024 16:37

There are lots of shitty men in this world - you can read about them here all the time - but the reasons aren’t medical. It’s because they are shitty people, and sadly, the women in their lives keep rolling over and accepting their behaviour by carrying on relationships with them. You cannot love him into being a better person. He isn’t going to start valuing you suddenly. You’ve told him, by continuing to see him, that how he treats you is acceptable. Don’t throw good money after bad.

Bernieee · 29/01/2024 16:39

Op we’ve all resoundingly told you that his behaviour is poor and that you should leave. Yet you keep trying to justify his behaviour with a suspected autism diagnosis?

What do you what from this thread?

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 29/01/2024 16:41

Its better to be alone with good self esteem and to love yourself than waste so much emotion and energy on a relationship like this

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:41

I can travel but 4 hours on a plane mostly ....He has also just gone off in his own to places I could go to and places he knew I'd want to go to...eg round the time of my daughter's wedding when I couldn't go

OP posts:
Comedycook · 29/01/2024 16:42

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:37

You actually sound very like him. I guess I thought as he called me his gf he might want to go on holidays with me sometimes to places not so far away I can go too

Who sounds like him?

SmashedPrawnsInAMilkyBasket · 29/01/2024 16:43

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:41

I can travel but 4 hours on a plane mostly ....He has also just gone off in his own to places I could go to and places he knew I'd want to go to...eg round the time of my daughter's wedding when I couldn't go

So why haven’t you dumped him yet? You have agency here, I presume nobody is forcing you to continue seeing him. Make today the day you do something to make your life better.

80s · 29/01/2024 16:44

I have a live-out bf too OP, and one big advantage of that is that you can dump them from one moment to the next with zero hassle.

In your 50s, you aren't looking for someone to father or support children, so there's even less incentive to settle with someone who isn't perfect for you.

What was the first red flag you came across in this relationship? Why did you ignore it?

roses321 · 29/01/2024 16:44

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:34

Interesting you say that. I think we do kind of like each other but think I've trauma bonded to him. Had lots of sex initially which was nice but then it suddenly stopped..I couldnt understand it. I cried at the binbags but he didn't see that as he was staying with his parents for Xmas. He makes me feel so guilty for everything. Again I was angry and let him know but he apologised and seemed to not understand why I was mad...thats why I think he's autistic or...something

Maybe he is autistic... but is it going to make a difference to how you feel?

There is also another explanation you know... that he's just a f'ing arsehole. Did he even have any logical reasoning for getting you bin bags? Generally autistic people are very blunt and direct with no ability to read between the lines so to speak, but they are logical. So what's the logic with the bin bags? Did you ask?

Also autistic people tend to have a very blinkered set of interests that they are extremely involved in, hence why some of them are very gifted in certain areas.

It sounds to me as though this guy is just getting on with his life and you are a passenger in it, when what you're actually after is someone who shares a life with you, who involves you in their decisions and who wants you to be with them to make memories. This guy isn't that, he's just getting on with whatever he fancies and suiting himself and if you want to pop along with him for the ride then sure whatever.

He won't do anything for you though, he won't give time or hold space for any of your dreams or wants, and I get it, it really really hurts.

I'm guessing you've stuck it out because occasionally he does seem to understand, occasionally he will do something small for you, sometimes it does look like you're winning with him even though the reality is they're just tiny breadcrumbs that you're getting from him.

You get addicted to that feeling of "will I win today" and relationships like this are just basically f'ked up slot machines that you wake up and try to win every day, at some point you realise that years have gone by, you haven't achieved what you wanted to, you haven't gone anywhere you wanted to, you've cried every day/week/month for the last x years and you're just really tired. You're tired of waiting for them to notice you, care about you, consider you and you're tired of being let down.

And honestly if you ain't there now, you'll get there one day if you have any sense of deserving better. If you don't have that sense then please do let this thread be the first step in instilling that back into you!

2024GarlicCloves · 29/01/2024 16:46

"It doesn't actually matter, what matters is if you're happy or not and if you're getting your needs met or not and the answer to both of those is no, and no."

This is the only answer you need, @Alexanadra! You aren't his carer, his mother, his blame-donkey or his employee. You have NO OBLIGATION to him and yet you're behaving (and writing here) as if you're under contract to be his demeaned, part-time girlfriend.

If you insist on analysing this, get some therapy around your terrible self-worth. But, first, dump him.

Comedycook · 29/01/2024 16:46

If you think he got you the bin bags because he's autistic and heard you mention you need some....I suggest you mention that you need some diamond earrings and see what he does.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/01/2024 16:47

This sounds teenage not people in the second half
Of their life! Life is too short to be in a relationship that makes you feel this bad op get rid of him and book
Holidays with your friends or with a tour group instead you'll be much happier x

TheOriginalFrench · 29/01/2024 16:54

@Alexanadra why are you not listening to what everyone is saying?

This Is Not A Relationship.

Stop Trying To Understand Him.

End It. Tell Him You Don’t Want To See Him Any More.

Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 16:58

I guess I know this in my heart but have such low self esteem these days and don't trust my own judgement any more that I need to hear feedback from others

OP posts:
Alexanadra · 29/01/2024 17:09

First red flag I guess was something didn't feel right in my gut. I guess it was straight after lockdowns and I felt isolated and vulnerable after a previous shitty encounter with a married man...didnt know he was married . Red flag was he was always talking about himself and would get incredibly moody if I challenged him in any way. I saw them but ignored them as he fascinated me in a way...very intelligent and good looking ...

OP posts:
JustHereForTheLaughs · 29/01/2024 17:13

Your self judgement is fine @Alexanadra
He is not acting as a boyfriend.
He isn’t listening to you or taking your needs or wishes into account.

Just leave him.
Tell him it doesn’t work for you.
It doesn’t matter if he understand or doesn’t and is bewildered. Because your role is to protect yourself, not him (as a grown adult). You owe him nothing.