Boyfriend always booking holidays alone

[Alexanadra]

Can I get some feedback please?
My boyfriend and I are both in our 50s and 60s. I've been married with a child (60's) He has never married and am sure he has Autism ...either that or he's a narcissist. Since we met 2 years ago he just books holidays that come up on his FB feed several times a year and says I can come along' knowing full well I can't because I have a heart condition which causes me anxiety if the flight is very long or to a far flung place like Nepal for example (I need to be hospitalized,if my heart wont slow down)He has gone alone to places I say I'd love to go to and which I could possibly have gone to ..which has upset me. We don't do anything much together except have a meal together twice a week...once at his place and once at mine. I did go to Eastern Europe to meet him once...I pay for everything myself. I am so confused and hurt and wonder if I'm just selfish. I dont think he's ever spent a penny on me really...I got binbags for Christmas ! I'm really struggling with all this.

I missed the bit about only having meals twice a week.

This isn’t a relationship OP. What exactly are you getting out of this?

You say he books places knowing full well you can't go, maybe because he knows you can't go so he doesn't ask? Maybe tell him the places you can go and proactively plan a trip with him?

On the face of it, this is a rubbish relationship (no binbag pun intended), but the holidays don't seem so much the issue. He's in his 50s and never married so presumably he's used to going on holidays where and when he pleases. He says OP can come along. Some she physically can't go to so he goes alone, fair enough. Some she'd love to go to and doesn't say why she hasn't then 'come along' with him, so hard to know if that's on her or him. Paying for everything herself is also unclear - given the nature of their meals, what should he be paying for? Sounds like an equal split unless she's paying for the meal at his house?

Few women would want a boyfriend like this, but it's clear what he's offering and OP has taken him up on it for two years, so it's pointless complaining that he's like this. At that age no one's going to be changing, so if the only thing keeping OP with him is not wanting to be alone, that's the thing she needs to address herself. This is who he is. When a man gives you binbags for Xmas, there's no romantic mystery to work out. Settle for him or raise your bar and bin him!

Bin bags for Christmas???
That's a new one.

Bin bags for Christmas, he is telling you what you mean to him.

“Any man is better than no man “ is not something to waste your life on. You see him twice a week, pay your way and he never makes you feel special. That’s sad because you deserve better.
If he wanted to be with you he would be booking holidays you could both enjoy but he wants to live his life with an occasional nod to you.
Cut him loose and higher your standards. He’s not making you happy

I don't understand. Does this guy realise he's in a relationship? Have wires been crossed somewhere along the line? Is he really your boyfriend or a mate you meet for dinner with a wacky SOH and who buys you joke presents? What about him is boyfriend material? Why have you not put him in the bin?

Wot @fatphalange said …

@Alexanadra this doesn’t actually sound like a thriving romantic relationship?

You don’t like him; he's a narcissist.

His behaviour upsets you.

You would clearly be happier without having to think about him.

So why are you persisting?

Just text him - saying you don’t feel there’s any reason for you to continue seeing each other, and you wish him all the best for the future. Full stop.

Write down all the positives you get from this relationship and then all the negatives. I can guess which list will be longer
Then ask yourself why you are still bothering with him.

Excellent!! He got you binbags for Christmas that is very thoughtful because you can use them to pack up any of his things at your place and dump them on his doorstep so he comes home to them when he's back from his latest holiday.

From that response i'm pretty sure you know what i think about your boyfriend. You're not selfish, you're not unreasonable and you're not anything else of that nature, you want this thing called a relationship - apparently your boyfriend doesn't...so put those bin bags to use gal!

This is all a bit strange. Is someone forcing you to be in this relationship?

Where's he going on holiday?

Sorry but my first thought was sex tourism...that's why he doesn't want you going with him.

We don't live together. God forbid! We do book everything separately even on the rare occasion we go to a concert together...we can never even sit together !I pay for myself for everything...dont expect anyone to pay for me ...its all the other stuff. I said this as dont want anyone to think I don't pay my way.

Op - what are you actually with him for? What do you get out of this?

You don't need to mention that you pay your way. It's absolutely normal that a boyfriend would occasionally/often treat you. You don't need to accept his meanness to prove you're not after his money.

Have tried this but he's travelled so much he always says 'been there' or doesn't want to go. It always has to be on his terms . It's why I went to EEurope...to make a huge effort but he treated me horribly there

Why on earth are you with this man? This really doesn’t seem to be a relationship in any way shape or form.

What are you getting from him that keeps you coming back for more?

Being single is a million times preferable to being strung along by this poor excuse of a man

I mean, the holidaying is one thing, but binbags for christmas??! Bin HIM.

Thank you...yes...have pointed things out to him and there are lots of issues. Think I've given him a lot of leeway as am sure he's autistic...which he denies.He can be really sweet sometimes but its not enough and I am trying to work on myself. I dont believe his fake promises anymore.

Let's not talk about autism like this op. I have autism. Plenty of us are able to have meaningful relationships without treating our partners as cruel as he is being to you. It's not his autism, he's just not very nice.

If he was horrible to you, why did you not dump him?
What would this man have to do to get dumped?

Sorry op...but this absolutely reeks of him being up to no good.

You aren't really getting anything out of this relationship and I can't see that changing.

I have challenged him on this...he is quite clear saying I'm his gf but I really feel he doesn't give a shit. Am so confused. I like him but am beginning to really dislike him too if that makes sense