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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't get married to my boyfriend

64 replies

jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 22:25

I have a autistic teen (with some other complex issues) and two cats

BF is allergic to cats

Teen is settled where we live and how we live so any changes would cause massive disruption

BF would be a dream husband:
-earns good money but has an enviable work life balance, can either WFH or go to his office as he pleases
-enjoys cooking and doing the dishes right after meals, enjoys grocery shopping and meal planning
-enjoys housework and is super clean and organised.

He is intelligent, gentle, high emotional EQ, stable, dependable, loyal, generous, likes providing

He is selfless in the bedroom (and out)

He pays attention, listens, remembers, is supportive

He works out and has hobbies

He gets on well with his siblings and nieces / nephews and is caring towards his elderly parents even though they are very difficult people and getting worse because of age

All of his friends are married with children and he said he never got married because he never found a woman he wanted to get married to...now in his early 50s he found me, but because of my circumstances we have to live separately and not seeing each other as much since he can't visit and I work full time.
We are 45 minutes away from each other and I know it does not seem much but we can only open quality time together once a week

We can't travel together since teen is not old enough, responsible enough to stay on their own and would not stay with anyone else

Just hoping our relationship lasts until teen is independent - but then I worry sometimes that my lack of availability will spoil the connection

There is no question here really, just wanted this out of my chest

OP posts:
Jewishbookwork · 28/01/2024 22:27

can you rehome the cats?

fairo · 28/01/2024 22:29

The first thing you listed was the money..

LineDriedSheets · 28/01/2024 22:31

"The first think you listed was the money.."

That's what you took from that? I took it as OP pointing out he can support himself but isn't a workaholic working long/unsociable hours (she talks about work/life balance).

Needmorelego · 28/01/2024 22:32

Could he move to a closer place - like practically next door?
And you don't actually have to live together even if you were married. You could still do that.

Kwam31 · 28/01/2024 22:35

Are you sure your teen will become independent?
I would ignore the rehome your cats, he could take anti histamines.
Can he move closer?

Lookingatthesunset · 28/01/2024 22:35

Jewishbookwork · 28/01/2024 22:27

can you rehome the cats?

No!!!! When you commit to a cat, it's for the cat's life! What a horrible suggestion!

Original poster
jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 22:36

Jewishbookwork · 28/01/2024 22:27

can you rehome the cats?

Teen would be devastated and the issue is not only the cats as teen would not do well living with somebody else in the house, at least at the moment - and my place is no way big enough for 3 people

OP posts:
DiamondSnake · 28/01/2024 22:36

You could overcome these problems with planning. Where would you both live? Can't you compromise on something/somewhere?

I definitely would not upend your child's life unless you got married so you had the legal security.

Then you could find a way to plan to ease your son into a new life, step by step. With the cats you could rehome them if you really loved this man and wanted to be with him for the rest of your life.

Don't talk yourself out of a relationship which could give you great personal happiness and fulfillment. Why are you putting your PETs before the potential love of your life?

Your son will be an adult in a few years, you can have a 5 year plan while married to transition to a new situation for your son, which works for you all

You sound as rigid as your son currently.

Kwam31 · 28/01/2024 22:37

So it's not the cats or distance that's the issue, your house is small and your teen won't live with other people.
Only answer is he moves closer you forego the bf

Original poster
jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 22:40

fairo · 28/01/2024 22:29

The first thing you listed was the money..

Edited

Yes
I think for a marriage, the money part is important as I'm not a huge earner myself and the pain is he likes providing so good money plays a part

Do you see the threads here and cases in RL, women being completely screwed over by Hs who are not generous or can't earn good money?

If he earned less than me I and certainly him, would not be thinking marriage - he would not want to marry if he doesn't feel he is able to provide for the most part. He is over 50.

OP posts:
Original poster
jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 22:42

Needmorelego · 28/01/2024 22:32

Could he move to a closer place - like practically next door?
And you don't actually have to live together even if you were married. You could still do that.

Edited

That is gonna have to be the next step I guess but a sacrifice of sorts for him since his gym and the places he likes to go to for his hobbies are very local to him however my area is much closer to his office (but he doesn't even need to be there often)

OP posts:
LittleSpanishFlea · 28/01/2024 22:43

I don't know what you should do but I admire you for not just going at this like a bull at a gate.

Would your boyfriend move closer to where you live?

Original poster
jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 22:45

jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 22:40

Yes
I think for a marriage, the money part is important as I'm not a huge earner myself and the pain is he likes providing so good money plays a part

Do you see the threads here and cases in RL, women being completely screwed over by Hs who are not generous or can't earn good money?

If he earned less than me I and certainly him, would not be thinking marriage - he would not want to marry if he doesn't feel he is able to provide for the most part. He is over 50.

Show quote history

*not the pain - the point

I don't think he would be happy if he could not provide for the most part

OP posts:
Holdingsteady · 28/01/2024 23:09

What about a house with a granny flat?

You and BF live in the house and DC live in the granny flat along with the cats.

This way, DC can adjust to independent living, while you are still close at hand to lend support as needed.

Scarletttulips · 28/01/2024 23:15

What does he want?

Seeing someone once a week isn’t the true picture really.

You could buy a bigger house and have separate rooms for the cats -

How old is DS? There are charities which run independent centers that could help.

Does his father help out/see him etc?

Lookingatthesunset · 28/01/2024 23:21

DiamondSnake · 28/01/2024 22:36

You could overcome these problems with planning. Where would you both live? Can't you compromise on something/somewhere?

I definitely would not upend your child's life unless you got married so you had the legal security.

Then you could find a way to plan to ease your son into a new life, step by step. With the cats you could rehome them if you really loved this man and wanted to be with him for the rest of your life.

Don't talk yourself out of a relationship which could give you great personal happiness and fulfillment. Why are you putting your PETs before the potential love of your life?

Your son will be an adult in a few years, you can have a 5 year plan while married to transition to a new situation for your son, which works for you all

You sound as rigid as your son currently.

What about really loving the cats?

How fucking callous!

StarDolphins · 28/01/2024 23:22

Jewishbookwork · 28/01/2024 22:27

can you rehome the cats?

Just like that, rehome the cats? This is why the rescue centres are absolutely on their knees. The cats that were there first, that the op committed to, that her DS probably gets a lot from. Just make them homeless due to no fault of their own, losing the people that love & care for them? Disgusting suggestion.

Also, missing the main issue that is her son that is settled with the status quo. His needs have to be priority. If the bf is as amazing as he sounds, he will stick it out.

StarDolphins · 28/01/2024 23:28

DiamondSnake · 28/01/2024 22:36

You could overcome these problems with planning. Where would you both live? Can't you compromise on something/somewhere?

I definitely would not upend your child's life unless you got married so you had the legal security.

Then you could find a way to plan to ease your son into a new life, step by step. With the cats you could rehome them if you really loved this man and wanted to be with him for the rest of your life.

Don't talk yourself out of a relationship which could give you great personal happiness and fulfillment. Why are you putting your PETs before the potential love of your life?

Your son will be an adult in a few years, you can have a 5 year plan while married to transition to a new situation for your son, which works for you all

You sound as rigid as your son currently.

I absolutely despair. Just rehome the cats if you really love this man? When you get a pet, you commit to looking after them for life, not just until a man comes along.

What if the son isn’t happy at his life being disrupted? ‘Rehome’ him too?

Lookingatthesunset · 28/01/2024 23:29

StarDolphins · 28/01/2024 23:22

Just like that, rehome the cats? This is why the rescue centres are absolutely on their knees. The cats that were there first, that the op committed to, that her DS probably gets a lot from. Just make them homeless due to no fault of their own, losing the people that love & care for them? Disgusting suggestion.

Also, missing the main issue that is her son that is settled with the status quo. His needs have to be priority. If the bf is as amazing as he sounds, he will stick it out.

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely this!! So much casual disregard for much-loved, trusting pets!!!

I have three rescue cats and hell will freeze over before I will part with any of them!!!

I am also allergic to cats. The lady who runs the rescue from where I got my last two cats is also allergic to cats. She has 100+! It can be managed!

Original poster
jasminegamine · 28/01/2024 23:30

Holdingsteady · 28/01/2024 23:09

What about a house with a granny flat?

You and BF live in the house and DC live in the granny flat along with the cats.

This way, DC can adjust to independent living, while you are still close at hand to lend support as needed.

That would be the perfect solution

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 28/01/2024 23:37

I think once you reach a stage in life when you’ve children, a home, a life you are used to, it is really prudent to not rush into things, and you have to accept the choices available to young, free singles aren’t available to you in the same way. Does your BF visit you in your home and stay over, and if so, how does your DS cope? It sounds to me like you are looking at a LTR living apart. I hope it lasts and works out. I don’t think, as you’ve described it, that you/your household is ready for change.

2024theplot · 28/01/2024 23:40

My partner is allergic to cats. He takes antihistamines. Allergy symptoms have subsided significantly as his body has become used to the cats

TheBeesKnee · 28/01/2024 23:45

How old are the cats and teen?

PaminaMozart · 28/01/2024 23:46

Relocate to somewhere which is convenient for all three of you.

Options:
House with granny flat, as already mentioned.
Buy 2 flats in the same - or next door - building.
Buy a house and convert it into 2 separate living spaces.

And don't rehome the cats, obviously.

Dery · 29/01/2024 07:46

Not RTFT but these people casually suggesting you rehome the cats - just no. That would be wrong at the best of times (responsible pet owners don’t commit to a pet and then toss them out) but also the cats are very likely crucial to OP’s autistic daughter’s wellbeing - our autistic DC gets huge comfort and support from our cats.