Can't get married to my boyfriend

[jasminegamine]

I have a autistic teen (with some other complex issues) and two cats

BF is allergic to cats

Teen is settled where we live and how we live so any changes would cause massive disruption

BF would be a dream husband:
-earns good money but has an enviable work life balance, can either WFH or go to his office as he pleases
-enjoys cooking and doing the dishes right after meals, enjoys grocery shopping and meal planning
-enjoys housework and is super clean and organised.

He is intelligent, gentle, high emotional EQ, stable, dependable, loyal, generous, likes providing

He is selfless in the bedroom (and out)

He pays attention, listens, remembers, is supportive

He works out and has hobbies

He gets on well with his siblings and nieces / nephews and is caring towards his elderly parents even though they are very difficult people and getting worse because of age

All of his friends are married with children and he said he never got married because he never found a woman he wanted to get married to...now in his early 50s he found me, but because of my circumstances we have to live separately and not seeing each other as much since he can't visit and I work full time.
We are 45 minutes away from each other and I know it does not seem much but we can only open quality time together once a week

We can't travel together since teen is not old enough, responsible enough to stay on their own and would not stay with anyone else

Just hoping our relationship lasts until teen is independent - but then I worry sometimes that my lack of availability will spoil the connection

There is no question here really, just wanted this out of my chest

You don’t need to live together. Enforcing a step parent onto a kids rarely works out, having their set up and space upended and being told off by another adult. Definitely don’t rehome the cats what sort of batshittery is that?!!!!

He should move closer, few streets away, if it means so much.

Yeah I thought that odd too

Time goes so quickly in your 50s, I would stay put. See if you can get a 'babysitter' so you can go out a little more - a sensible older teen so your son isn't alone.

There's no reason why you couldn't look at changing arrangements in a few years time.

For a man, yeah right.

You've mentioned his list of qualities but didn't mention that you actually love him?

I am effectively your bf in my relationship, and sadly, though I love him, I think that we will split because of similar issues and no quality time or travel. I feel that life is too short to put my life on hold to wait to do things. It’s sad, but maybe just not the relationship for you, or him

I would take it slowly. It would be an enormous leap for all of you to go from once a week to moving in together!

If he is serious about marriage, then I would ask him to move close to you. Then you can leave your house/teen/cats exactly as they are but see each other more often.

Start by you going to BFs house for a few hours leaving teen alone (if that is safe). Starts to introduce the idea of mum going out and teen being a bit more independent. Then invite boyfriend over for dinner with you and the teen. Stretch that gradually in to dinner plus TV/film after dinner, either with the teen or asking teen to give you some space.

Slowly start to introduce the boyfriend as someone who visits and is visited. Your teen might not like it at first, but it is reasonable to have a guest over for dinner and to go out yourself sometimes for a few hours.

See how it goes. Gradually increase time spent together. Maybe one day teen will leave home? Maybe one day teen and boyfriend will be ready to love together.

To be honest, I think the autism and the cats are a distraction here. My slow approach is what I'd advise/do regardless of autism or cats. I can't imagine rushing from once per week straight to living together, especially not with kids!

If he likes his house 45 mins away, then why not rent it out for 12/24 months and use the residual rent after managing it/tax to rent somewhere smaller near you? A slight drop in living standards for him for a while maybe, but that seems a small price to pay to take the next (slow) steps towards the two of you maybe living together one day? He can always go back after 12/24 months if it's not working then.

How long have you know him?

You list a lot of good qualities and say he wants to provide for you, but you only see him once a week, so how can you really know? Presumably you've never even spent a night or weekend together if you can't leave your son so you really don't have a true picture at all...

In his 50's if he really wanted to marry and provide for a woman he would have done that by now.

What I'm saying is don't tie yourself in knots over this man, if it's the real deal it marriage can wait till your son is older and you can find a way to make it work. It does sound like what you are keen on most is marriage for the financial stability side of things tbh.

Good grief. If I was him and I read this I certainly wouldn’t want to marry you. Earn your own money, you grabby so-and-so

How long have you been together?

True love right there

I agree with @catsnhats11 : if a man of 50 really wanted to get married, he would have done so already. It's likely that he's attracted to because of your limited availability, not in spite of it.

“You list a lot of good qualities and say he wants to provide for you, but you only see him once a week, so how can you really know? Presumably you've never even spent a night or weekend together if you can't leave your son so you really don't have a true picture at all...

In his 50's if he really wanted to marry and provide for a woman he would have done that by now.

What I'm saying is don't tie yourself in knots over this man, if it's the real deal it marriage can wait till your son is older and you can find a way to make it work. It does sound like what you are keen on most is marriage for the financial stability side of things tbh.”

This, absolutely.

I second this. I think it bodes well for all your future that you’re thinking this through carefully from everyone’s perspective.

And this: “if a man of 50 really wanted to get married, he would have done so already. It's likely that he's attracted to because of your limited availability, not in spite of it.”

How old is the teen and what is the likelihood of them living independently? There's a huge range - my sister is autistic but went to university and is an independent adult. Is that the likely pathway for your son, or do you are him living withyou in the long term?

How old are the cats? If elderly, then they might not be an issue when the teen leaves home, if young and healthy it might be easier to find a new home for the id that was what you choose. (I have a cat. He's too old for anyone else to want now, but if he was young I reckon we could have found another good home for him if needed. I'm amazed that there are such strong reactions to this!)

If you are only seeing him once a week, you don't know him all that well. Take your time before considering disrupting routine for those already in your life that you have a responsibility towards.

So much assumptions here, I will answer a few questions and disappear

-Cats are 3 and 6

-Teen is 17 and stays by themselves 1.5 to 2 days max - I wouldn’t feel comfortable with more at this point. Will probably be independent one day but with strong support needed I guess

-I know BF for around 5 years - the first 3.5 years or so I didn’t see him as anything other than a friend’s friend - I was too busy dealing with home and a career change / re-training and not looking for romance. Then we developed a closer friendship and then started dating.

Regarding money - being a single mother without support from the father, why would I put myself in a possible financial struggle if joining someone who either earns less than me, or has bad spending habits, or has debt? I have been there. I will not knowingly go there again. Him having a good income and wanting to provide is a sign that he is responsible and able to keep a career.

As for love - the post was about living together not wheter I love him - he loves me.
Love has got nothing to do with marriage / wedding / co-habitation or money.

@jasminegamine Do you work? Assuming you would continue to do so should you marry him?

F

Sounds like you are not prepared to make sacrifices for him, and it seems 1 way to me. I get the feeling he is being used.

I dont get the anger with cats, things change Marriage is for life but many of us divorce as it is not right. What if you had cats, had a baby and they were allergic, or you took in a sick parent and they were allergic.

Apologies if this sounds harsh but at some point your child will have to accept change, as you get older. What about work, study, their own relationships.

He loves you so it's OK for you to use him financially?

Wow. If I were him no way would I be marrying you,cats or no cats.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees She's not using financially, he is keen to be the "provider"(!)

I’m quite shocked at your attitude towards his finances.

I can understand if he was a gambler or something but even if he made less than you, you would still be financially better off.

I think you want to be with him for the wrong reasons.

If he can WFH could he possibly move closer?
That way you can spend more time together for now.

@Trulyme I'm not sure she would be better off if he moved in with her? She may lose certain entitlements she has now as single person with a child? Not sure...

Nothing to stop you getting married
You can live apart while married