I made a mistake

[chocolatelover555]

Recently i've been speaking to someone and it has been about six weeks now. We started moving really fast very early on and claimed we were exclusive maybe a few weeks ago although we are not officially "girlfriend and boyfriend" yet which we have both stated and i genuinely am so happy with him. Unfortunate I made a huge mistake on a night out this week and i am devastated. I drunkenly left the club with another man and ended up having intercourse with him although have very faint memory of this and do not even remember leaving with him. I have been a wreck ever since and i know what I did was terrible and I just can't forgive myself although I don't want to tell him and hurt him and ruin what we have because if anything this has been a clear defining moment now that I realise how much I want him to be in my life. I have always been against cheating and never expected to do something like this and i am definitely not excusing my behaviour to alcohol but i genuinely would not have made this mistake if i wasn't drinking or if i was as drunk as I was. I really do hate myself for this and spend my time crying every night and ridden with anxiety 24/7 but i don't know how i'll feel with him although definitely do not want to lose him. I don't know what to do i've never felt more regret in my life.

You say speaking...have you met??

yes sorry i meant to say seeing someone

Whoever you had sex with should've realised you were too drunk to consent, but that's a completely different subject.

I think this early on I'd get an STD check and say nothing, and obviously stop drinking alcohol, or at least so much of it.

Unless there's a chance he might find out, is there?

How is he going to find out?

I'm just scared i'll end up saying something to him because i just feel so guilty and that I don't deserve his love.

@chocolatelover555

learn from it. Thats the best thing you can do!
get tested and don't have sex with the 'not boyfriend' until you get the results.

Look after YOURSELF.

You've known him WEEKS. You don't even know him yet. Slow down...

But am i a horrible person for this? I genuinely can't face him without feeling so guilty.

You're not horrible, but clearly you made a mistake while drunk. If you tell him, you do risk losing him, and being wracked with guilt is not an attractive look tbh! He is bound to be hurt by what you did. Can you handle being on the receiving end of his reaction? If it's never going to happen again and you think you have a future together, then I wouldn't tell him, but perhaps you could look at why you found yourself in a position where you were so drunk this could happen? Maybe you just can't take the level of alcohol you were drinking. Are your friends looking out for you? And most importantly, are you ready to be in a relationship?
Take care of yourself, forgive yourself.

I think you need to tell him.
You're just starting a relationship with him and if you keep it hidden, your entire relationship from here on out will be a lie.
Come clean and let him decide what he wants to do.

It's not great that you got into that situation, but move on. There's no need to be so wracked with guilt about what may not be a ltr . Learn from this.

You’re not a bad person. You’ve only known this fella a few weeks, and there’s no label on your relationship yet.

I’d tell him, because going forward your anxiety about it won’t go away, and if you suddenly fess up after five years, there’ll be a lot more to lose.

Calm down. Watch your drinking though - it seems to get you into dangerous situations that you don’t seem happy with, and that’s not good.

Don't tell him! That only purpose would be to make yourself feel better, it'll make him feel awful.dont do it.

You have a drinking problem: that is the most urgent thing here.

You're not a horrible person at all . Focus on yourself and adjusting your relationship with alcohol -you've known him weeks- the focus is you not this

Meh, it's a new relationship - I wouldn't flog myself over this. You aren't a shit person you just did a daft thing when you were shitfaced....just don't get shitfaced again!

Would like to know the responses if you were a man OP

Tell him - He deserves to know
If you lose him, its just the way it is

You need STI checks and a pregnancy check in afew weeks

I would say exactly the same.

If my DH had drunkenly shagged a random 5 minutes into our 30 year relationship I'd really rather not know, then or now.

I hope the drunken sex was consensual - it sounds like you were too out of it to give consent.

It's shit, but a lot of us have been there. It will fade in time. Don't tell him.

In your position, if be more worried that I was getting so drunk that I barely remember leaving with someone and shagging them.

That potentially puts you in some very vulnerable situations.

im assuming you’re going to be honest and tell him the truth?

Only you know if you are likely to blurt it out in the future. If there’s a good chance of that tell him after you’ve had an sti test (that will mean only one difficult conversation.)

Whatever happens please give a lot of thought to how much you are drinking. Don’t try to keep pace with your friends if it results in you losing inhibitions/ control that you will go off with a stranger for sex when you are so drunk you don’t remember chunks of time.

One night stands / casual sex is fine but being as drunk as you describe is dangerous in itself (falling choking on vomit). When you put a strange man who doesn’t care if a woman is capable of consent into the mix you are literally risking physical harm, having it all uploaded to the internet or even being killed.

You’re being very punishing on yourself. You are early days with this guy. You don’t owe him to tell him.
If you were too drunk to remember or consent then that sounds like something quite traumatic for you. Are you alright?
You’ve not done anything evil or awful! You’re a human. Be nicer to yourself.

I don't think you should tell him

I agree with others, a period of time off the booze will do you wonders

I also am concerned that you didn't really consent to the sex if you were so drunk you can't really remember it.

This ^
Grow up, take command of your emotions and stop drinking yourself to oblivion.

Get an STI test and keep your mouth shut if you value this newish relationship as much as you say you do.