I made a mistake

[chocolatelover555]

Recently i've been speaking to someone and it has been about six weeks now. We started moving really fast very early on and claimed we were exclusive maybe a few weeks ago although we are not officially "girlfriend and boyfriend" yet which we have both stated and i genuinely am so happy with him. Unfortunate I made a huge mistake on a night out this week and i am devastated. I drunkenly left the club with another man and ended up having intercourse with him although have very faint memory of this and do not even remember leaving with him. I have been a wreck ever since and i know what I did was terrible and I just can't forgive myself although I don't want to tell him and hurt him and ruin what we have because if anything this has been a clear defining moment now that I realise how much I want him to be in my life. I have always been against cheating and never expected to do something like this and i am definitely not excusing my behaviour to alcohol but i genuinely would not have made this mistake if i wasn't drinking or if i was as drunk as I was. I really do hate myself for this and spend my time crying every night and ridden with anxiety 24/7 but i don't know how i'll feel with him although definitely do not want to lose him. I don't know what to do i've never felt more regret in my life.

Hope you're ok OP. if you were that drunk that you don't even remember anything it sounds very worryingly like you weren't even aware enough to consent to sex with this stranger. How did you end up leaving the bar together? We're you talking throughout the night, or did he approach you towards the end of the night when you were already very drunk?

I don't think it matters too much if you tell the guy you're seeing or not. You sound very vulnerable and need to focus on looking after yourself for now. 6 weeks is far too early for a 'betrayal', I think you need some support from your friends about this

As i said before i have no memory of leaving the bar at all but my friend did have my phone and i had lost them according to my friends, this guy was a flatmate of another friend in that group although we had never had any contact before i'm assuming i saw a familiar face and went with him for that reason but i'm really not sure i'm still not excusing this to that because i obviously don't know what happened fully. I'm not suggesting I was raped but the other guy was too sober to suggest that I was in the right mindset to make a good decision at the time (not that he would care) but my friend did say he was annoyed at him because he was barely drinking and his friends had seen me fall into the ground when i was leaving with him.

OP if you were too drunk to consent and he knew that then yes it’s rape.

I take back what I said before as you clearly were a victim of a sexual assault and should contact the police asap. Your friends should not have let you out of sight if you were in this state.

Hence my earlier question if you don't remember leaving the bar, what do you actually remember.

I believe this relatively sober person took advantage of you whilst you were hammered and part of your "guilt" towards the guy you've been "seeing" for a few weeks is because you know it happened but you were not in full control of your actions at that time, which puts you in a very vulnerable position. I'm not surprised your mate is pissed off at the guy who took advantage of your drunkenness - something doesn't sit right with your mate, they are cross with their flatmate because he should not have done what he did knowing how drunk you were.

I think this is more than whether to tell the guy you're seeing. It's whether to tell him that when you were very drunk, someone you know took advantage of you; and how you think he's going to react.

Is it perhaps worth speaking to someone about this for some real life support before you do anything? If the man you're seeing might even consider flying off the handle at the guy who took advantage of you, then I wouldn't tell him until you've got some support in place and can reassure him it is being handled through the correct channels (and that might be the police...)

It's highly unlikely to be "love" after six weeks. That's barely any time at all and if you're not boyfriend and girlfriend I'd stop lending as much weight to this "relationship " as you are.

This, op.

but no point going to the police. They wont do anything. But absolutely do go to your gp and tell them you were raped and ask for a counselling referral. But you will probably have to go private.

i wouldnt be involving a man i had known for six weeks. You dont know him well enough.

did you leave the same night? How did you get to his place? How and when did you get home to your place?

Op what would you say to a friend in a similar situation? I bet you would be kind to her give yourself the same grace, don't drink like this, don't tell the new guy unless you think he'll find out but don't have unprotected sex with him until you've done a std test in a few weeks and call a rape crisis helpline if this wasn't consensual sex xx

OP, I was going to tell you that you didn't make a mistake, that you willingly went home with someone else and had sex with someone else. That having a few drinks doesn't absolve you of of responsibility of your own actions. I know this, because I've done the same thing after a few too many beers.

But then I read your follow up posts, and none of that is true. You didn't make any decisions because you weren't in any fit state to make those decisions. Someone sober took advantage of the fact that you were falling down drunk, that you couldn't consent, and raped you.

You didn't make a mistake, you didn't make a decision. You were taken advantage of by someone who didn't have your best interests at heart.

Plenty of people will tell you that you need to tell the police, or that you need to tell your boyfriend. You don't have to do either, that decision is up to you.

I wouldn't recommend the former, I saw what my sister in law went through, she found it almost as hard as the sexual assault, and it was all pointless as she didn't get a conviction.

I would recommend the latter. Trying to keep this a secret is not going to help your mental health. Your boyfriend might take it well, he might not. Either you get support or he splits up with you, but either option is likely to be better for you that trying to keep it hidden.

And if you do tell him, you should be telling him that you were raped, not that you cheated on him.

You’re being very punishing on yourself. You are early days with this guy. You don’t owe him to tell him

Yeah this. Why are you giving him the power to judge your behaviour a few weeks in?

Just don't drink so much you're not in control

This could have ended very, VERY badly

Although it was bad enough. His friends (who you knew?) could see how drunk you were and didn't intervene either?

You were assaulted.
But just take care of yourself now and get checked out.

You're focusing on the wrong issue here OP. The fact you've 'cheated' on your new potential relationship is of small importance compared to the fact you seemingly did this with little conscious thought, or even memory of the incident. Its your drinking you need to think about not your morals, as you should never let alcohol rob you of your agency and ability to choose wisely. If you can't trust yourself not to do things you don't want to when you're drunk, you need to cut down.

I would want my ds to be happy, that’s all @K8ate

It’s a very unfortunate episode but if OP was as drunk as she says she was, then she was sexually assaulted. No one should be slutshamed for being sexually assaulted.
It may be colossally unwise to let yourself get so drunk in the company of horny young men, but the law is very clear on this issue.

lots of horrible victim blaming posts. The sex was non consensual.

Think about the amount you drank. Was that enough to make you completely incapable? Were you drinking more than your friends? I wonder if your drink was spiked, tbh.

Have a look at your bank and see how much you spent on drinks - ask your friends if they bought you drinks, too.

So sober women never get raped?

you should be ashamed of yourself for that comment.

What would you want him to do, if it was the other way round? How would you feel if he'd slept with someone else?

'Am I a horrible person' is a juvenile sort of question. Everybody has done something horrible. Everybody has done something nice. These things don't make us into nice/horrible people, because there are no such categories. There is no overarching judge of us. Sometimes we mess up. All of us.

@Watchkeys did you read any of the thread?

Yes, @ArnieLinson , and then I answered OP's question. Are you vetting posts?

To clarify my comment that was deleted, in the multiple times I have been sexually assaulted or attempted sexually assaulted, including being grabbed from behind twice by strangers, my success rate of escape improved drastically if I was sober.

You are not official yet, so you have not cheated. But i understand why you feel guilty. I don't think you are a bad person. Try and let go of the guilt, you did a silly thing drunk , so learn from it. If this has made you realise that you want him in your life maybe it's time to chat and make things official? Personally I wouldn't tell him, you are not in a relationship with him!