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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I made a mistake

73 replies

chocolatelover555 · 28/01/2024 00:46

Recently i've been speaking to someone and it has been about six weeks now. We started moving really fast very early on and claimed we were exclusive maybe a few weeks ago although we are not officially "girlfriend and boyfriend" yet which we have both stated and i genuinely am so happy with him. Unfortunate I made a huge mistake on a night out this week and i am devastated. I drunkenly left the club with another man and ended up having intercourse with him although have very faint memory of this and do not even remember leaving with him. I have been a wreck ever since and i know what I did was terrible and I just can't forgive myself although I don't want to tell him and hurt him and ruin what we have because if anything this has been a clear defining moment now that I realise how much I want him to be in my life. I have always been against cheating and never expected to do something like this and i am definitely not excusing my behaviour to alcohol but i genuinely would not have made this mistake if i wasn't drinking or if i was as drunk as I was. I really do hate myself for this and spend my time crying every night and ridden with anxiety 24/7 but i don't know how i'll feel with him although definitely do not want to lose him. I don't know what to do i've never felt more regret in my life.

OP posts:
MahMahMahMahCorona · 28/01/2024 07:36

If you don't remember leaving the club with this other chap, what do you actually remember?

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/01/2024 07:41

You are "Exclusive but not officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet" 🤔 What does this mean? Exclusive fuck buddies?

It's all too modern for me to understand.

I wouldn't say anything if this was me anyway.
Wait until your relationship status is raised slightly.

SassiestPants · 28/01/2024 08:16

IHateLegDay · 28/01/2024 02:23

I think you need to tell him.
You're just starting a relationship with him and if you keep it hidden, your entire relationship from here on out will be a lie.
Come clean and let him decide what he wants to do.

No, she really doesn't. The whole relationship will not be a lie - they're not even yet serious.

Forgive yourself OP, learn from it and draw a line under it.

SamW98 · 28/01/2024 08:40

You need to be honest. I found out after 2 years that my ex cheated on me at the start and it made me feel disgusted that he kept this secret and lied through our whole relationship.

He needs to know the truth so he can make an informed decision. To find out further turn the line is an absolutely unforgivable kick in the gut betrayal

Ilovelurchers · 28/01/2024 08:46

You barely know the man after 6 weeks so don't worry about him. Don't tell him and pursue the relationship if you like but SLOW DOWN.

You are not a shit person. You do, however, like many other people, have an issue with alcohol. If you use it to the point that you do things that are out of character and that you regret to this degree when sober, then you don't need it in your life. I honestly would focus on that for now.

Horationor · 28/01/2024 08:52

I'm definitely in the tell him camp. If this develops into a long lasting relationship its always going to be a secret.
Better now than in 20 years.

SamW98 · 28/01/2024 08:55

IHateLegDay · 28/01/2024 02:23

I think you need to tell him.
You're just starting a relationship with him and if you keep it hidden, your entire relationship from here on out will be a lie.
Come clean and let him decide what he wants to do.

💯- having been in the other end of this happening to me, to find out down the line is a kick in the gut and it does feel like the whole relationship was based on a lie

BarelyLiterate · 28/01/2024 09:00

The usual MN double standards are on display here. 🙄

If a man posted that he got pissed & cheated on his girlfriend by shagging some random he certainly would be called a ‘horrible person’. He would be told to confess the truth so his partner could get an STI test & make an informed decision about whether she wanted to continue in a relationship with someone who had cheated on her.

Tel12 · 28/01/2024 09:01

He doesn't need to know what happened but of more concern is that you get so drunk you can't remember the night clearly. Consider reigning in your alcohol consumption so that you had have control over your life. You also need to get tested. Slow down with the new guy, it's very early days.

LightSpeeds · 28/01/2024 09:11

I think he has a right to know so HE can decide if he wants to continue with you (and if he can trust you).

SKG231 · 28/01/2024 09:26

You need to look deeper into why you feel the need to drink alcohol to the point of not remembering what you’re doing.

K8ate · 28/01/2024 09:37

LittleGlowingOblong · 28/01/2024 04:19

I hope the drunken sex was consensual - it sounds like you were too out of it to give consent.

It’s always someone else’s fault isn’t it.
Take responsibility for your actions and be honest about what you have done.
Tell the person you are seeing - he deserves to know and make a decision on how he wishes to proceed.
Who knows - this could be one of our ds for all we know. Do we want them to be taken advantage of?

K8ate · 28/01/2024 09:41

Tel12 · 28/01/2024 09:01

He doesn't need to know what happened but of more concern is that you get so drunk you can't remember the night clearly. Consider reigning in your alcohol consumption so that you had have control over your life. You also need to get tested. Slow down with the new guy, it's very early days.

He’s probably also having sex with other women too.
It’s best that the op doesn’t know about that either.

SamW98 · 28/01/2024 09:42

BarelyLiterate · 28/01/2024 09:00

The usual MN double standards are on display here. 🙄

If a man posted that he got pissed & cheated on his girlfriend by shagging some random he certainly would be called a ‘horrible person’. He would be told to confess the truth so his partner could get an STI test & make an informed decision about whether she wanted to continue in a relationship with someone who had cheated on her.

Totally agree. I can only imagine the responses if a man posted the OP. He’d get a new one ripped.

There’s no difference in this situation regardless of the sex of the person.

TheShellBeach · 28/01/2024 10:39

SamW98 · 28/01/2024 09:42

Totally agree. I can only imagine the responses if a man posted the OP. He’d get a new one ripped.

There’s no difference in this situation regardless of the sex of the person.

I agree with this, but the OP and the new BF are not in a relationship yet.

OP you need an STI and pregnancy test in the next few weeks.

And if you're keen on the new boyfriend, tell him, and hope to move on if you feel that this is a serious relationship.

DeeLusional · 28/01/2024 10:42

Some women really love wallowing in guilt.

Pumpkinpie1 · 28/01/2024 10:57

OP I don’t think you’re a horrible person .
But you do sound confused and desperate for love , are you sabotaging yourself? Having a man does not always bring happiness especially if you don’t feel happy in your own skin.
It does seem to me that you could benefit from counselling before embarking on a relationship

GreyCarpet · 28/01/2024 11:37

Of course he should be told. What's all this nonsense about it only being a few weeks? They have agreed to be exclusive. Every 35 year marriage was only a few weeks old at one point.

Some of you say you wouldn't care and it's not important. Fine. He might agree with that. Others would end the relationship. He might prefer to do that.

OP, what you have done is not the end if the world and he might see it similarly and appreciate the honesty leading to a deeper trust. But if he feels strongly enough about it to walk away, he should be afforded the opportunity to fo so.

Wouldyouguess · 28/01/2024 11:47

I dont think Ill ever understand why people saying " I love him SO MUCH" and yet drink to the point where they shag someone random dudes/women and cant even remember- unless you were slipped a rape pill (in which case my apologies), it's a pretty shitty behaviour of you. Id not want to date a guy getting pissed and sleeping with random women regretful as he'd be. If you cant drink responsibly, don't?
Ofc this is mumsnet, if you were a woman complaining about a man doing this to you he'd be flamed, but you are a woman so you will be told to just shut up and continue mislead him excusing your little 'indiscretion'.

Regardless of the sex of the person, I think the other person needs to know what they are getting themselves into.

Wouldyouguess · 28/01/2024 11:50

TheShellBeach · 28/01/2024 10:39

I agree with this, but the OP and the new BF are not in a relationship yet.

OP you need an STI and pregnancy test in the next few weeks.

And if you're keen on the new boyfriend, tell him, and hope to move on if you feel that this is a serious relationship.

They are 'exclusive'- minus her shagging some random dude after a night out.

highlo · 28/01/2024 11:53

BarelyLiterate · 28/01/2024 09:00

The usual MN double standards are on display here. 🙄

If a man posted that he got pissed & cheated on his girlfriend by shagging some random he certainly would be called a ‘horrible person’. He would be told to confess the truth so his partner could get an STI test & make an informed decision about whether she wanted to continue in a relationship with someone who had cheated on her.

But he's not her boyfriend.....so why compare it to what we'd say to a man doing this to his girlfriend?

Rowena191 · 28/01/2024 11:54

Is there any chance your drink was spiked?

Burntouted · 28/01/2024 13:20

Tell him if you want, you both are single. If you're feeling like there may be a future with him, tell him.

Personally imo, I feel like you need to be single and remain without being involved with anyone for a while..you sound like you may be a serial dater, and perhaps don't know how to be alone.

Also, you probably should work towards leaving the alcohol alone completely, or getting a better management of it. If you are telling the truth and this is a genuine post, and you are telling the truth and actually was drunk...perhaps the clubbing and drinking needs to stop. You went home with a stranger you just met and had intercourse with him. That is a problem. ..that could have had drastic irreversible consequences..

If you're blaming it on the alcohol, but was fully aware (or wasn't drinking at all) and had given your complete consent, it is a huge problem that you're making false accusations about an innocent person because you feel quilty and like you're a horrible person. This can have horrible consequences for all involved....especially if you perhaps go spreading this around and start naming out of desperation.

In my opinion, you don't even like nor are genuinely interested in either guy. Perhaps you are using men and alcohol to fill voids..and self sabotage perhaps therapy would be beneficial.

Either way, learn pacing and slow down.. this is too much with a guy of a few weeks..you're already believing he loves you...you fear disappointing him....you already had talks about being exclusive...etc...too fast.

Its okay to have casual sex with someone, just try to know the basics about them...and it's probably a good idea that both are sober and consenting...and protected.

Go to your gp and get yourself checked out and tested.

Psychoticbreak · 28/01/2024 14:06

People in happy relationships do not cheat. I am sorry op but you need to tell him so he can make an informed decision. Alcohol is no excuse.

SamW98 · 28/01/2024 14:13

GreyCarpet · 28/01/2024 11:37

Of course he should be told. What's all this nonsense about it only being a few weeks? They have agreed to be exclusive. Every 35 year marriage was only a few weeks old at one point.

Some of you say you wouldn't care and it's not important. Fine. He might agree with that. Others would end the relationship. He might prefer to do that.

OP, what you have done is not the end if the world and he might see it similarly and appreciate the honesty leading to a deeper trust. But if he feels strongly enough about it to walk away, he should be afforded the opportunity to fo so.

💯- I really don’t get these ‘you’ve only known him 6 weeks it’s too soon to be exclusive’

Sod that, if I’m in a sexual relationship that it’s exclusive otherwise I’m out.

If that makes me old fashioned then I’ll own that

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