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Original poster

Is this an ok boundary or am I being coercive?

52 replies

badgerbadgerb · 27/01/2024 22:15

Honestly I have no idea here.

My husband vapes. I don't like it and he doesn't do it in the house because I asked him not to. Except he will do it late at night in the living room when I've gone to bed. I know as I've smelt it and he admitted it.

I have asked him not to vape in my company. Is that an acceptable boundary? He thinks it's not and I'm trying to control him. It upsets me to see him do it as he's lost various family members to smoking related diseases and yes I know vapes are better but honestly do we really know the extent of the damage they can cause? Also they stink. I don't want to walk through a cloud of blueberry bubblegum smoke. He used the phrase coercive control tonight. He has me doubting myself. I don't care if he vapes in his own time but is it really unreasonable to ask him not to do it around me?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/01/2024 22:18

Vapes arnt any better for your health tbh if I had no children I would be reconsidering my life with him if he doesn't respect my boundaries enough to step outside

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/01/2024 22:19

Not unreasonable at all op. Doing it around you is gross. Doing it in the house is gross.

The sooner vapes are banned the better imo. Did he smoke before or has he just taken up vaping?

I've been on trains recently and at gigs where people were vaping. The entitlement is huge. Smokers wouldn't do that.

Didimum · 27/01/2024 22:19

I hate smoking of any kind. My boundary would be you cannot stay married to me if you choose to smoke.

You’re not unreasonable.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/01/2024 22:20

You can request that he not do it around you, and you can get up and leave if he does.
the main thing is to protect yourself, not control his behavior.
he is free to do it- you do not have to endure it.
he also really should not do it in a house you live in with him. That can be a hard boundary, if you’re ready to enforce it, which means that if he continues, you move out.

if a person sets a boundary of what they need their lives to look like and then they don’t enforce it by leaving the behavior, it has an unfortunate backlash of teaching someone that they don’t need to honor your boundaries.

he’s being disrespectful. :( I am sorry. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/01/2024 22:20

PS- addicts lie and manipulate. It's not coercion. It's DARVO.

Mistlebough · 27/01/2024 22:20

It’s hardly coercive control, it’s you making a boundary over what happens to yourself. He is being unreasonable. My DH asked me to give up smoking when he met me as he was appalled by the diseases it caused. I did and now many years later am very very appreciative that he cared about my health so I think you should stick to your principles OP.

OakElmAsh · 27/01/2024 22:21

A boundary controls your behavior, not anyone else's
So if he vapes, you leave the room.
You're not telling him what he can or can't do, your boundary for yourself is that you won't be around vaping, so therefore you enforce that boundary by leaving.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/01/2024 22:21

Ps. Calling your boundaries for yourself “coercive” is gaslighting on his part.

martinisforeveryone · 27/01/2024 22:23

He doesn’t understand what coercive control is and using the term makes him look idiotic.

You’re making a reasonable request and he’s refusing based on his priorities.
Says a fair bit about him.

Vaping is bad for health.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/01/2024 22:24

He's the one who has introduced a new toxin to your house without your consent, you absolutely shouldn't have to leave the room, he should. You're not controlling at all. I hated it when my husband used to vape in the house, even though it was confined to his office. He insisted it was harmless but we absolutely do not know that. He's quit now and it's such a relief.

Mybootsare · 27/01/2024 22:26

Didimum · 27/01/2024 22:19

I hate smoking of any kind. My boundary would be you cannot stay married to me if you choose to smoke.

You’re not unreasonable.

ditto…I am very anti-smoking and anti-drugs. I was dating a guy who claimed he was a non-smoker then I found out he did Shisha every few months!

Apparently a night of shisha is equivalent to something like 100 cigarettes. So he was essentially a light smoker. Someone who consumes the equivalent of 200-400 cigarettes a year is not really a non-smoker. It was one of the things that made me not see a future with him.

But I have to say he would never have done it in his flat or mine. He limited it to shisha cafes.

The fact your partner is doing this in the home you share shows no respect or regard for you. Ask him why he thinks it’s ok to inflict his unhealthy habits on you?

And OP, he is either winding you up or he genuinely doesn’t know what coercive control is because this isn’t it.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/01/2024 22:27

He doesn't know what the word coercive means. You're not trying to coerce him, you're asking him straight.

Your request is fine and normal - who on earth smokes or vapes indoors these days?

He's showing he doesn't care what you think, or how you want your live in your own home. Why can't he just say that straight to your face?

Well, why would he, when you're so easy to tie up in knots of self doubt and he can get away with being as selfish as he likes?

Who's trying to control who hmm?

Original poster
badgerbadgerb · 27/01/2024 22:31

Wow that was a lot of responses in no time at all! Sorry I should've made it clearer, we were outside when he vaped in my company this evening. Not a social setting, just walking to go out for dinner. We had words and I stormed off. Was that holding the boundary? With added flounce Grin

I was pretty bloody annoyed when I went into the living room and smelt it. That was a few weeks ago. He apologised but I'm not convinced he's not still doing it when I'm out.

The vaping is sort of new. He smoked when we first met. Then moved to vape which seemed positive. Then quit completely. Then the vape reappeared maybe 6 months ago. He didn't admit it for a while and looked at me blankly when I questioned what the weird smell in the room was when he was wfh.

OP posts:
OakElmAsh · 27/01/2024 23:09

So your boundary is still your boundary - you don't want to be around it, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation

That said, not sure I would react in the same way to vaping outdoors. Indoors 100%, you can smell it it's unpleasant. But outdoors what exactly is the impact on you?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 27/01/2024 23:12

Thos would be a deal breaker for meop. Of course you're not trying to control him, you are tryimg to protect your own health and wellbeing. He sounds selfish and manipulative. Stick to your guns.

Olliequick · 27/01/2024 23:25

Tbh I think you were ridiculous to flounce off because he vaped outside. I wouldn’t say that was a boundary as it has no impact on you. I would also say that if you were in bed and he had the vape in the living room, so what the smell wouldn’t be there the next morning so don’t understand the issue. If was cigarettes then fine.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/01/2024 23:37

Yanbu and he is doing a Jonah hill with his use of therapy speak to dismiss and gaslight you. You're not telling him he can't do it, you're telling him not to pollute your shared air space.

Could you get a horrible smelling deodorant spray or hair spray tomorrow and start using it when say right next to him? See what he says? Actively listen to his points. Then you draw the comparison with vapes and
Agree a mutual rule or mutual respect.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/01/2024 23:39

Olliequick · 27/01/2024 23:25

Tbh I think you were ridiculous to flounce off because he vaped outside. I wouldn’t say that was a boundary as it has no impact on you. I would also say that if you were in bed and he had the vape in the living room, so what the smell wouldn’t be there the next morning so don’t understand the issue. If was cigarettes then fine.

The horrid sweet smell would still be there my ex used to do this and it was awful
Especially when I was pregnant

JadeandGreen · 27/01/2024 23:40

Olliequick · 27/01/2024 23:25

Tbh I think you were ridiculous to flounce off because he vaped outside. I wouldn’t say that was a boundary as it has no impact on you. I would also say that if you were in bed and he had the vape in the living room, so what the smell wouldn’t be there the next morning so don’t understand the issue. If was cigarettes then fine.

Same! You got with him when he smoked, but now he's not "allowed" to vape outside in your company, or downstairs when you're in bed? Ridiculous! I'm assuming it's his house too? If he's respecting your wishes by not vaping in the house in your presence you should cut him some slack. He must have the patience of a saint to pander to your inflated sense of righteousness.

Devonshiregal · 27/01/2024 23:52

OakElmAsh · 27/01/2024 22:21

A boundary controls your behavior, not anyone else's
So if he vapes, you leave the room.
You're not telling him what he can or can't do, your boundary for yourself is that you won't be around vaping, so therefore you enforce that boundary by leaving.

True but why should she have to have his smoking in the house she lives in full stop? It’s not the same as, say, drinking (at point of entry to body) as the toxin literally fills the air rather than going straight down someone’s gullet. So it DOES impact her - and leaving the room doesn’t prevent her breathing it in or getting it all over the sofa she sits on etc.

he’s being a dick. Someone else said he’s addicted and behaving like an addict does. Unless there is some bigger picture you’re not letting us in on then I think he’s picked up a big new phrase and is using it to batter you with so he doesn’t have to quit

FPCculture · 28/01/2024 06:44

Now that you clarified that he smoked when you met, you settled for a smoker ,what do you expect?

I hate smokers myself and anytime I see a lady with a vape or signs of smoking, I just move on because smokers taste and smell is not for me.

FPCculture · 28/01/2024 06:46

I hope you read OP's response, he isn't controlling after all, OP met him when he smoked ,which is worse so obviously she set herself up

Original poster
badgerbadgerb · 28/01/2024 07:58

Ok, more info and hopefully not a drip feed. We're having marriage counselling. I'm trying my hardest but feel one argument away from leaving at all times. Going for dinner last night was a big deal, it was homework from the counsellor to go on a date and be a couple rather than just mummy and daddy. For him to vape (a known point of contention) within seconds of leaving the house just felt like there was very little effort being made on his part and IMO made his priorities pretty clear.

When he did it I looked at him as I was surprised. He then said "what am I not allowed to vape now?" to which there isn't really a response that wins. I just said I was surprised that's all but he kept pushing it and saying I was trying to control him and he can do what he likes etc. It seemed at this point the date was doomed so I turned around and walked home. Was I being controlling? Maybe? I want him to want to actually spend time in my company without needing a hit of something to make it through the evening.

I walk through clouds of vape smoke every time I go to the city centre and feel like I'm in some weird dystopia, or maybe that HEBS advert from the 90s with the people chewing on blue sticks. m.youtube.com/watch?v=DR_rnQEPoZ0&cbrd=1

And yes, I settled for a smoker. We were both very different people 10 years ago. I think it's ok to expect different things from someone as a husband/father as opposed to some guy from a dating app that I was having a bit of fun with.

OP posts:
Mybootsare · 28/01/2024 08:07

And yes, I settled for a smoker. We were both very different people 10 years ago. I think it's ok to expect different things from someone as a husband/father as opposed to some guy from a dating app that I was having a bit of fun with.

Fair enough people do change over a decade, but if you were just having a bit of fun with a guy and you let certain things slide, when you decided to turn him into a life partner /father of your child - did you not readjust your standards accordingly before you did so? Apparently not and if so that is unfortunately is part of the issue. He will see it as you moving the goalposts, his bad habits were OK when you first got together and now they’re not.

To the pp saying it’s not a problem if he smokes when she’s not around, it clearly is since she can still smell it when she comes down. I would think it’s less of a problem if he’s doing it outdoors though if he was a smoker when you got with him, assuming he used to smoke in your presence
back then too.

Karwomannghia · 28/01/2024 08:07

it does sound like you’re trying to stop him vaping completely.
inside yes, he’s respected what you’ve said but outside is not the same. So maybe your boundary is vaping anywhere near you ever including outside and never inside at all.