Is this an ok boundary or am I being coercive?

[badgerbadgerb]

Honestly I have no idea here.

My husband vapes. I don't like it and he doesn't do it in the house because I asked him not to. Except he will do it late at night in the living room when I've gone to bed. I know as I've smelt it and he admitted it.

I have asked him not to vape in my company. Is that an acceptable boundary? He thinks it's not and I'm trying to control him. It upsets me to see him do it as he's lost various family members to smoking related diseases and yes I know vapes are better but honestly do we really know the extent of the damage they can cause? Also they stink. I don't want to walk through a cloud of blueberry bubblegum smoke. He used the phrase coercive control tonight. He has me doubting myself. I don't care if he vapes in his own time but is it really unreasonable to ask him not to do it around me?

Maybe ask him to vape using the tobacco flavour as there is no smell at all. Vapes are 99 percent better than smoking and should be encouraged. I vape indoors regularly and it doesn't bother my husband at all. We all have a crutch of some kind.

Vaping is way better than smoking and can be a good step for a smoker to take initially , but I wouldn’t go so far as say it should be encouraged, not long term anyway.

From the NHS website:
Vaping has not been around for long enough to know the risks of long-term use. While vaping is substantially less harmful than smoking, it is unlikely to be totally harmless.
The healthiest option is not to smoke or vape. So, if you are vaping to quit smoking, you should aim to eventually stop vaping too.

I don’t drink at all but if someone’s crutch is a glass of red wine or a chocolate bar every night , the big difference is it won’t have such a direct effect on me.

You are being tyrannical (and overreacting/a bit silly about vaping itself). If I were him, I would be very wary about the former and be wondering whether I should be ending the relationship.

I think him not vaping indoors is completely reasonable. However you got with him as a smoker and now he vapes. So knowing that, I don’t think it’s reasonable to tell him he can’t vape in your presence outside. In that respect yes I do think you’re trying to assert control on him.

Is this not just a case of you are trying to find reasons to end the relationship altogether.

Of course you can ask him not to do this around you or in the house. Coercive control my arse, it’s basic consideration, like not picking your nose in public

I think you need to meet him somewhere in the middle. You can ask him not to vape around you but then you should accept that you can't force him to stop all together. My DH will fall back if we're walking somewhere so he can have a vape. He excuses himself between courses to pop outside. Of course I'd rather he quit altogether but I'm happy he has made the effort to (largely) stop smoking and is respectful with his vaping.

This isn't about vaping. It's about the pair of you not understanding boundaries. You tell him not to do something. He asks 'Am I not allowed?!' and this is an example of why people trying to have boundaries messes relationships up.

Your boundaries are about you. So, in this instance, you decide that you will not be around vaping. And you will remove yourself from the presence of somebody, whilst they vape. That's a healthy boundary. But there's no point in having healthy boundaries in an unhealthy relationship. So, if he knows your boundary, and he vapes anyway, he is telling you that vaping, to him, at that time, is more important than having you around, because he knows you'll disappear. If he's asking what's 'allowed', he's giving his responsibility for his behaviour to you. If you're telling him what he can/can't do, then you are giving your responsibility for your comfort to him.

Trying to tell someone not to do something is controlling. Telling someone what you will do because you have a boundary is not. Tell him you won't be around vaping. It's up to him to decide whether to respect you. It's up to you to decide whether to continue a relationship with someone who respect you to that degree, whatever that degree is.

is it really unreasonable to ask him not to do it around me

No, but it's unreasonable for only one response to be acceptable.

Thank you. That middle paragraph has explained much more eloquently how I feel. I've become the main parent for a variety of reasons and he'll often defer to me for things that I'd rather he just got on with. Being responsibility for what he's allowed to do really rings true.

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Very well put.

Great Post @Watchkeys

The man sounds like a tosser to me and I'd bin him

I appreciate my comment is not particularly helpful (sorry!)

There are actually some red flags for me that you might be in an abusive relationship in your early posts.

First it's often a big red flag for me when someone uses words like 'coercive control' (or 'narcissist') out of the blue/out of context when talking to you. It can indicate THEY'VE been accused of these things before so, know the words but not the intricacies. Only that these words will hurt you.

Secondly 'looks at me blankly'. Ooft. Another huge red flag. Anyone looking at you blankly or like you're being weird or that implies you're overreacting/crazy or they don't know what you are talking about when you either catch them lying OR are calling them out on obviously hurtful behaviour - likely abusive.

Thirdly, you're left feeling 'am I the problem?' when it's him that's in the wrong. Because he's messing with your head so much you feel worried you are overreacting/oversensitive or controlling.

It's a perfectly acceptable boundary to have that your partner not smoke in the house btw. He was aware of that boundary and crossed it anyway and is now making you out to be the bad guy.

He lies, manipulates and gaslights.

He also, sabotage all attempts to smoothe things over between you (eg: date night) because he doesn't WANT you to feel on equal flooring with him. He wants you unsteady, walking on eggshells. He wants you too exhausted from arguing to be able to think clearly and leave.

Just my take. I've only read your first page of posts. But imo you're potentially dealing with a far bigger problem than him smoking in the house. And you probably aught to resolve this problem by leaving. Because no amount if councillong can fix someone who views you and treats you, with contempt.

This. It’s a horrible habit and the horrible fake smell that it has.

if you have one foot out the door anyway, then i think that is the issue. He smoked when you met him and now he vapes, originally you didnt mind, and its you that has changed the goal posts.
I think if you want to leave, then leave. You dont even need a reason.

Personally I think it is controlling to expect him not to vape outside.

That’s not what ‘controlling’ means.

She can be against it. She can say she is against it. It’s still up to her partner to decide if he is or isn’t going to vape.
However, she is also free to walk away and doing so isn’t controlling him. It’s holding her own boundaries.

We need to be very careful not to use the word ‘controlling’ when someone is asking you something that ‘most people’ whatever that means would find ok.

He's allowed to pick his nose wherever he wants. He's allowed to be inconsiderate. Because there are no rules. We all have to decide for ourselves how to behave, and what we're willing to put up with. OP has to decide whether to put up with his behaviour/lack of consideration, because none of us has authority over any other responsible adult.

Coercive control my arse. What a tosser.

Inside the house I completely agree with. And you have asked him not to vape in your company. So it seems like he was being provocative. But I can see why he may have an attitude about you know not wanting him to vape outside.

I'm not a doctor so don't know what was wrong with him but overheard that 'he must stop vaping'. This was said to a young guy in a&e who was coughing up blood and was being taken to the same surgery ward as me. The porter took us both together to save time so I was sat near him.

An attitude that ignores someone else boundary still has the same impact.
The person will hold their boundaries and walk away.

If you don’t like that boundary and you feel it’s too much, then up to you to decide the relationship/marriage isn’t worth that and separate. Or you’ll need to accept the other person will take action - move away from you/separate.

Thats call wanting different things in life and is an acceptable reason to separate.

What simply cannot happen is for the person who decides to ‘have an attitude p’ to also decide they have good reasons and the other person is simply wrong. Because the consequence if that it is it’s ok for the ‘im having an attitude’ person is imposing their idea to another. And this is never ok to assume you know better or that your ideas are more worthy than the other person.

It goes further than boundaries . He is vaping in your home . If this was cigarettes would you abs him to stop and would he keep doing it.
He is ignorant and selfish and doesn’t care about your health or boundaries .

Vaping /smoking in a home I lived in
wouid be a no he wouldn’t have to move out .!

Yes I think you are being controlling. He is a grown man, he can choose what he wants to do. I agree that he should not do it indoors, but if he wants to vape outside, that’s up to him. It doesn’t affect you, you just don’t like it. That is your prerogative of course but I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who tried to control my behaviour to that level.

I'd leave my partner if he was this insistent I stopped vaping.

I do it outside and he knows I used to smoke.

I absolutely can't stand puritans, sucking the last breath of enjoyment out of someone's life.