Is this an ok boundary or am I being coercive?

[badgerbadgerb]

Honestly I have no idea here.

My husband vapes. I don't like it and he doesn't do it in the house because I asked him not to. Except he will do it late at night in the living room when I've gone to bed. I know as I've smelt it and he admitted it.

I have asked him not to vape in my company. Is that an acceptable boundary? He thinks it's not and I'm trying to control him. It upsets me to see him do it as he's lost various family members to smoking related diseases and yes I know vapes are better but honestly do we really know the extent of the damage they can cause? Also they stink. I don't want to walk through a cloud of blueberry bubblegum smoke. He used the phrase coercive control tonight. He has me doubting myself. I don't care if he vapes in his own time but is it really unreasonable to ask him not to do it around me?

Of course the OP is not being unreasonable to say that she does not want to be around him when he vapes.

In this incident, it’s pretty clear that he purposefully pushed that boundary to sabotage their marriage counselling homework. They were walking to ‘date’ to try to reconnect. His vaping in the house/when he’s with her is a point of contention in the relationship and being discussed at counselling.

There is no other way to interpret him choosing to vape on the way as a ‘fuck you’ to his wife. He knew it would upset her and she would not want to spend time with him while he vapes.

And then to start throwing around terms like coercive control is suggestive that he is abusive. Increasingly abusive and controlling people harness therapy speak against their partners.

Honestly, OP, I think you need to accept your relationship is over. You feel one argument away from divorce and he’s choosing to sabotage the counselling homework.

My son vapes. He doesn’t do it in front of me, but in his room. I can’t smell it tbf. He has had a slightly wobbly couple of teeth for a while. At a recent dentist check up, she told him it’s early stage gum disease due to vaping. I had no idea it could do this. His teeth are otherwise perfect.
I dearly wish he would stop, but it is an addiction like anything else, and just asking or telling someone to not vape is useless, they are addicted the same as if it was a cigarette. Of course people shouldn’t vape, but it’s really hard to pack it in.