Feeling awkward/mean excluding a friend

[Livelifelaughter]

I have a group of friends that I holiday with. One in the group isn't particularly fit, she won't do much that is active and the rest of us like to hire bikes, go on a hike etc, go for a run, swim in a lake. Usually this isn't a problem as we will go on a City break. However, we have been doing more active trips which we invite her to...the trouble is we seem to go through a charade of her saying how excited she is to go and then backing out. In the last couple of years it's happened a lot. She will never say it's because she doesn't like the activity. An example is that a few of us went hiking in Iceland, she made an excuse not to come saying she would have loved to go hiking there. It's really annoying, there's a list of things she would "definitely do" but has turned down, such as Hiking Mont Blanc, Skiing. Because she doesn't say that it's not her thing or similar we go through looking at hotels to include her, working around dates to include her and then she will say she can't go, not that she has changed her mind but that she can't go often with no reason or a fairly lump one.
Anyway, now we are arranging trips without her and I feel quite mean about doing so. I don't really know how to deal with it.. Any suggestions...

If you're close friends then maybe you could have a chat with her saying you've noticed she seems excited to join but always cancels and she might feel comfortable saying why- she probably feels embarrassed she can't keep up. Can you organise a city break too or something she can join in with?

Get her to pay in full upfront, that will concentrate her mind as to whether she wants to go or not.

I have a friend lie this. Pushes you to organise a dinner party and then pulls out at the last minute or leaves mid meal. Its because she doesn't drink but its sooooooooooo annoying. I wish she would just say no. Its fine I'll happily meet her for coffee , lunch which she prefers and I said it to her the last time and she denied it but I won't be inviting her again

I would explain what you have said here, I think the just exclude her without saying anything is mean actually. Just say we know its not your thing so don't feel you have to come and will do something else together thats more you thing

Perfect. Just say that the person arranging the payment is doing at as a lump sum from now on, so that nobody's having to be out of pocket.

@workshy46 that's very interesting and it's a good comparison. I have actually said to her " I know you wouldn't want to do the hike" and I get a "No I would definitely do it, oh if I was going I would have" that's what's really annoying. Most of this stuff needs training so I literally train for months before these trips, she doesn't do a thing but still insists. It's awkward because it's calling her out.

So call her out. She isn't being honest with you... One of you needs to be. Or this charade will be never ending.. It's costing a lot of time and effort of you and the organising full stop .. A few words from her crashes the plans. She isn't that much of a friend is she?

@Shoxfordian I have tried that but she's just not willing to accept something isn't her thing. I will give you an example; she won't go swimming but won't admit she can't swim.

@Watchkeys I think I can adapt that to getting her to do some of the arranging that might work?

Because she doesn't say that it's not her thing or similar we go through looking at hotels to include her, working around dates to include her

Is it harder to fit her in than the rest of you? I think PP was right about getting her to commit financially first & being clear that there will be no refunds.

Yep. Exactly my thoughts.

Why don't you do something that everyone will enjoy? Bit mean

I think it's a bit mean to always do things that you know she doesn't enjoy. She probably gets FOMO when you're planning it and thinks she will do it and then closer to the time accepts she won't be able to,

Why are you trying to adapt things though? Why can't you be honest with her?

Can you not just do all the arranging between yourselves. Then say we’re going hiking in Switzerland on x date to x date. Let us know if you want to come? Then she can just say she’s busy and you won’t have wasted any time accommodating her

Off topic, but your holidays sound amazing, can I come? 😄

It’s sad she has been sidelined. I guess if you really wanted her to come you would choose at least every other holiday as a city break that would interest her. By not doing so you are giving her a strong message that you are not that bothered whether she joins you or not, and by extension the friendship.

I don’t think you should be surprised when she drops out of the group, or calls you out. You feel mean with good reason, arranging holidays without her is pretty unkind behaviour. You should be honest if she is annoying you re last minute cancellations rather than deceptive. It’s never going to end well is it…

@violetcuriosity @HannahMontanasbanana
I don't think we are being mean, six of us are really active not because it's just happened but because we do make an effort going to the gym, running etc. Do you really think it's mean to work around someone who isn't trying or because she's not interested. That being said we also have limited resources and time to take trips, we all work. A few of the group including me will do a City break now and then so she is included in that.

Ohhhh ‘she’s not trying’, ‘it hasn’t just happened’ you think she’s the ‘lazy, inferior’ friend. I imagine that explains why she doesn’t go. You sound like condescending prick.

if I was planning a holiday with my friends it would be for their company, doing something which everyone would enjoy.

this is what I do with my friends. Got sick of arranging nights out etc, trying to make sure it was a day and place everyone could do, meaning we had to arrange things months in advance, then half of them (usually the fussy ones!) dropped out the day before. Now have a core group of about 5 non-flakes, we plan something for a time and place that's convenient for us, then put it on the 'main' whatsapp group 'X and I were talking and fancied going to Y on Z date, anyone in?' A, B, C respond agreeing, and if anyone else also wants to come, great, if not they can't complain they weren't invited.

Also explains why she says yes when she really does t want to…. Because she feels that judgement and says yes so she doesn’t feel like you’ll be thinking “hmmm isn’t even going to try”. And then probably feels so self conscious nearer the time that she bails.

Can you not have like at least one trip that doesn't involve 'training for'? Something a bit more relaxing and low key. Having a laugh with mates type of time.

@gamerchick

You think OP and the whole group should amend their plans to fit around the friend who keeps rudely letting them down?

Jesus, your update is dripping in judgement. No wonder she bails… it’s mean girls on vacation.

You don’t sound like you feel ‘mean’ or ‘awkward’. It sounds like you feel she shouldn’t come anyway as she doesn’t keep up with your fitness regime…

I feel really sorry for her having such horrid friends.

Let's be honest, she wants to be 'part of the group' but doesn't want to partake. Apart from her you all have the same ideas but she doesn't.

If she wants to, what's stopping her from suggesting what she would like?

She sounds she has no intention of enjoying the trips, just wants to feel she's been included in the invite.

Keep on as you are until she sets something up.

@Newchapterbeckons

Speaking of posts dripping with judgement...

Pot, kettle?

OP isn't saying that this woman ought not to be how she is, but that she doesn't fit into this group because she doesn't try to be physically active in the way the rest of them do.