Feeling awkward/mean excluding a friend

[Livelifelaughter]

I have a group of friends that I holiday with. One in the group isn't particularly fit, she won't do much that is active and the rest of us like to hire bikes, go on a hike etc, go for a run, swim in a lake. Usually this isn't a problem as we will go on a City break. However, we have been doing more active trips which we invite her to...the trouble is we seem to go through a charade of her saying how excited she is to go and then backing out. In the last couple of years it's happened a lot. She will never say it's because she doesn't like the activity. An example is that a few of us went hiking in Iceland, she made an excuse not to come saying she would have loved to go hiking there. It's really annoying, there's a list of things she would "definitely do" but has turned down, such as Hiking Mont Blanc, Skiing. Because she doesn't say that it's not her thing or similar we go through looking at hotels to include her, working around dates to include her and then she will say she can't go, not that she has changed her mind but that she can't go often with no reason or a fairly lump one.
Anyway, now we are arranging trips without her and I feel quite mean about doing so. I don't really know how to deal with it.. Any suggestions...

Imo she is happy the way she is. Sadly that makes such trips out of her capabilities. She can't not know that..

I think you're getting a hard time here. I can relate a bit - I'm in a group of friends who are mostly really fit and that's how we like to spend the limited time we're able to have off together. It's really hard accomodating other friends who can't/don't want to join in with that. If you want to have active holidays then you shouldn't have to compromise that for a less fit person who doesn't want to, life is short and holidays are precious.

I disagree. They started out doing city breaks! Someone somewhere changed the type of holidays chosen. She did fit in with the group but since they are now all hiking trips etc she now doesn’t.

I am saying if they cared about her enough, they would choose something that combined both. It’s not hard.

I wouldn’t let my friends be sidelined and left out like that, nor would we organise a trip without her. It’s horrible behaviour.

It’s very unfair of her to keep saying she wants to go on these trips, meaning that you have to work around her schedule, and then she drops out without giving a reason.

It’s fine if hiking/skiing/cycling isn’t her thing. She doesn’t have to go. It’s not fine to keep agreeing to go then cancelling.

It’s not fair on the rest of you if she commits and you’ve arranged the trip to accommodate her, and then she consistently cancels.

She probably doesn’t want to miss out and thinks it will be ok, but then backs out closer to the time as realises she won’t be able to keep up.

I would start a rotation system of hols they would like to do. Therefore she gets to choose one holiday that suits her. Once someone chooses, everyone has to say yes/no at the start and not back I out as it causes a lot of frustration. If they do back out they can’t be included on the next trip. I would just lay out the rules and expectations bluntly again to everyone. If she continues to back out after saying yes then you have reason to not include her until it’s her turn to suggest again. So she’s not being excluded forever.

I think some posters have missed the part where I mentioned that we do have a city break trip so everyone can go along. I should add that there's nothing stopping my friend from being the arranger of these events. My point is that all of us except her like active trips, but she will commit to going and then drop out. It affects choices of hotel, room sharing, and it's happening all the time.
We have now said we are going to X place on X day and going forward I think I will take up the suggestions on here to ask for some sort of financial commitment. I think the other obvious thing to do is ask her to arrange something.

@Newchapterbeckons just to be clear it's actually not so easy to have a trip thart combines both, but we have tried that. The problem we had was that she dropped out of a cycling part and someone in the group had to take her back to the hotel, same happened on a walk, someone had to take her back to the hotel.

But do you arrange trips year after year booking flights, hotels, working out what to do for 5 friends and then find one always drops out but hasn't done any of the ground work or research? Do you save to go on a trip and give up doing something you and your four other friends actually really want to do to accommodate one person?
Just curious as you seem really quite inflamed not to mention incredibly rude...

I don’t think it’s ‘horrible’ at all. I do see her (presumed) side — maybe she feels humiliated to say ‘Look, I’m not as fit as the rest of you, and am intimidated by having to try to get to your fitness level, when even you are training for this trip’, and pretends to herself each time that this time will be different. But I also think there’s no onus on the rest of the group to have to choose holidays in which they have no interest for the sake of one person.

It’s a shame she won’t just be grown up and honest. If she was clear about the sorts of things she enjoys and will do and doesn’t and won’t you could plan a range of activities. It’s her lying that makes it awkward. You couldn’t pay me to go hiking. I’d never pretend it’s my sort of thing. I’d decline any offers but be happy to arrange something I’d enjoy and invite others to join.

Nothing stopping her planning the city breaks.

How do you all know each other OP?

The best way is to book the trip to suit the 6 of you. When she asks about it just say you didn't mention it, because she'd backed out of the last few trips at the last minute. If she makes a big thing of it, then invite her to the next one. But pick a date to suit the 6 of you, ask for the money to be paid by the deadline before it's booked. That way she's not inconveniencing you.

I wouldn’t book a trip for six friends doing something that you know full well that one of those friends can’t do. When did it change and you decide to exclude her from the group?

The type of holiday clearly matters more than who's there,maybe it's a sign you've outgrown your friendship with her and you need to let things slide.

Are you saying you would dutifully troop off to do something every year that six people simply don’t want to do, purely because the seventh can’t or won’t do the type of holiday the others enjoy, but equally won’t admit this?

Yep this

Would you tell 6 friends that you could do something you couldn't, though? And let them book a holiday taking your needs into consideration, knowing that you weren't going to do the preparatory work?

What this friend 'can't do'; isn't she supposed to know that, and communicate that to the others? And if she isn't supposed to know herself, how are the rest of them meant to know?

Maybe I would if I was desperate to hang on to my friendship group? And know that they are going to book it either way so I’d be left out if I said no….

OK, by the sounds of it there is a slight compromise in the still ongoing city breaks.

For the other holidays do you all have another not active friend that could join you all? Then the active friends go off for the day hiking or whatever and the less active people do something less active and then you all meet up for dinner.

But you’re going to be left out anyway if you fail to train and pull out at the last moment, despite saying you’ve always wanted to hike in Iceland.

Surely if you were sufficiently desperate to keep your friendship group that you would regularly pretend enthusiasm for an expensive, preparation-intensive activity you have no interest in doing, you would recognise you were actually pissing off your friends by letting them organise dates and accommodation to suit you every time and then bailing?

I mean, I can appreciate she’s sad that the group’s holidays have taken off in a different direction to what she used to be comfortable with, but she’s cutting off her nose to spite her face here!

[edited to change ‘noses’ to ‘nose’]

If a person is so desperate to hang onto everything their friendship group does, they need to take a look at themselves. Even romantic partners find it healthy to do things without each other sometimes, and have interests that are just their own.

If someone is so desperate for something that they have to pretend to be someone they're not, then they have a problem of their own that they need to solve for themselves. Making it a problem for other people isn't ultimately going to fix anything.

I do not think the group has to change what they are doing. The majority like these holidays and live the kind of lifestyle that makes them possible. Am not sure why they all need to be holidaying together all the time. Perhaps the one friend could actually organise something and suggest it or just go on other holidays with different people.

Friends do not have to do everything together all the time.

If someone is so desperate for something that they have to pretend to be someone they're not, then they have a problem of their own that they need to solve for themselves. Making it a problem for other people isn't ultimately going to fix anything.

This is true but somewhat harsh. This is her friendship group supposedly. Friends support you in solving your problems, they have your back. Maybe there is a reason why she can’t train, whether financial, health or time. Maybe she has got sufficiently unfit that getting out of that is a bigger mountain to climb than it is for the rest of you. Maybe she suffers from anxiety, challenges herself to get over it in time for the holiday but fails and is embarrassed to admit it. Maybe there is more than just simple lack of fitness, I would love to go on long walks but have some issues than mean I prefer to be not too far from a loo, it isn’t something people who haven’t that problem understand and it isn’t easy to talk about. Am quite shocked if nobody in the group has tried to have a chat to find out if anything underlies this or if they could buddy up on training or generally to have her back rather than label her a nuisance. Yes, she is inconveniencing the group but may genuinely want to come each time when it is first suggested.

@eatreadsleeprepeat I would say she is average for our age group (50s) but the rest of us are really active and probably not average. The thing is she has other friends who I think are probably more her level of fitness but they don't arrange trips or maybe do family things I don't know.
I genuinely don't believe time (in this case) or money is a factor in getting fit, it never seems to be a priority which is fine, we have talked quite a lot about what might work for her. I would like to be fitter than I am, but I function at a level where I can do everything I want so I don't do more.