found explicit text on partner's phone today

[sadandangry]

I know it's not right to look through someone's phone, but in my defence partner has had drug issues during our relationship, and has lied to me numerous times, and I've found myself checking who he calls because then i know he's lying, and it's not me who is crazy. Also his phones are in my name so I have access to the records.

I found some slightly dodgy texts the other day, to someone stored under just an initial, and he'd deleted the inbox, so I changed the setting to keep his texts in the sent box.

Today i looked and found a series of sexually explicit texts to someone else, again known by just an initial.

His response when I confronted him has changed through the day...
from
serves you right for snooping
it was just a joke
i've never done it before
i'm really sorry
i was passing on a message
i'll do anything to make it better
i'm in the pub, can you cook for me
it's too late to discuss it (at 21:20)

We have a young child, and I'm pg. He's always gone on so much about being the loyal faithful type, and I believed him, in fact it's almost the only positive thing I saw in him.

I asked him to leave, he's just tucked himself up cosily on the sofa watching a film, telling me he's not going to discuss it tonight.

I feel so betrayed, let down, devastated. I feel sick and hurt and furious.

I guess I shouldn't have spied on him, but then I wouldn't know what a low life he is. He says he hasn't done it before, but he's only recently got into texting... isn't he prgoressing well!!!

Just had to vent my feelings

sorry - being loyal/faithful the only positive thing I find in him these days as I've been so let down in other ways

What do you want to happen? You have my sympathy...

Would you want a dd of yours to have a relationship like yours?

He's a lying wanker obviously.

Anyone who gives that many sad excuses to something is definately lying.

What do you want to happen now sadandangry?

Don't blame yourself for snooping and finding these things, as you said you had a pretty good reason to be looking.

Bloody hell! Sorry, red mist descended when I read "in the pub, can you cook for me?" WTF!?

And now he's snuggled up watching a film having told you quite happily he's not prepared to discuss it tonight? What a smug controlling fuckwit. How dare he treat you like this when you're pregnant? I don't believe for one second he was passing on a message (what a pathetic excuse) or "just joking", it's absolute lies.

Did you get the number? If not, go find his phone and call the number, see who it was sent to.

for you.

No i don't want my dd to have a similar relationship - he's been getting help with the drug issues or he'd already be gone now. So I just can't believe now there's something else, especially when he should be putting in even more effort to prove himself - he's the one professing how much he loves me and wants to be part of our family.

I spoke to him about the other texts I found, so he knew how upsetting I found it (those ones he explained away as just theoretical discussion, whereas I thought they sounded flirtatious).

He thought enough about it to conceal it by deleting his messages, but didn't spare a thought for me when he did this "one off silly thing"

He's back from the pub - only let him come back because he said he wanted to talk / explain - I was originally planning on just packing his things and leaving them on the step.

Oh, and another defence is that he hasn't "done" anything (physical), and wouldn't. And told this person not tp text him again (which doesn't tie in well with the passing on a message story)

I'm too that he won't even discuss it with you?! Sounds like a smug arrogant idiot. You deserve better, god knows everyone does.

what an arse - did you take the number down?

i would call it or send a few texts of my own.

a similar thing happened to me a few years ago - dp and i are still together but it made me so mistrustful of him for months and months and months.

my dp also said he hadn't 'done' anything.

yeah, apart from totally fucking betraying me!

Was there just the one text or a few?

I don't see how you will ever be able to trust him again now.

This happened to me. I never really forgave or forgot. I am so sorry for you. It sounds to me like he trying to carry on as normal. I find a lot of men are like this in that they seem to think if they just keep acting normally you will have end up just getting on with it and sadly they are often right. Same as your partner in that he always blew his own trumpet about how faithful and loyal he was and so then you feel safe so it ends up being even more of a shock. Dont blame yourself for looking, sure you would not have if you didnt have good reason. I certainly did as he had a history of crappy behaviour. I dont have advice just wanted you to know that I understand EXACTLY how you are feeling.

Oh dear, op. I'm sorry to say this but he sounds like a dishonest loser who is going to hurt you bigtime one day. It's sad but you and your little ones shouldn't have to put up with a lying, cheating drug-user. You sound like an intelligent, eloquent lady with your wits about you. You don't have to settle for a man whose only redeeming feature was that he would probably stick around. You're worth more.

Ara - yes, I feel so totally betrayed, but he seems puzzled by my reaction

I don't see how our relationship can survive this after everything else.

Almummy, i think you're right, that does seem to be his tactic - wait till my immediate anger has died away and hope I don't feel strongly to make him go.

There were at least 4, I think more - when I found them I just felt so awful, heart pounding, shaking, I didn't really check them all, and now of course he's deleted them - though 4 remain on the delivery reports, which he doesn't seem to know about.

I know exactly how you feel too, with the heart pounding and shaking etc. It as awful

He does sound like he's hoping it will all blow over.
Don't let it. You don't want to stay in this kind of relationship, it won't be good for you or your kids.

Good luck.

This man has some serious flaws and it seems that he doesn't deserve any more chances. Do you want to be dealing with this same crap in five years time? If you are lucky he will leave you. But he probably won't as he seems to have it cushy in your house.

Our relationship did survive, but I think we had to agree to disagree about exactly how repugnant i found the whole thing. he has always maintained that he didn't do anything and i honestly don't think he realised how much damage he did.

We have a little DD now and by god if i found anything like that again I would be off like a rocket .

overmydeadbody yes the heart beat and shaking, the most awful feeling- i tried to stay calm and discuss this with him when it happened to me but ot a red mist and just threw things at him [blush[ -i have never done anything like that before.

Me too ara, I wanted to hurt him as much as he'd hurt me.

sadandangry he really does sound like a looser, who's having his cake and eating it. Don't let him get away with it.

Been there. You could be describing my ex. The drug issues, the texts, the excuses that bloody awful smugness in the face of your distress which makes you feel undermined and shaky...
You deserve better. I found someone I can trust. I never look at his phone. I dont need to. But he wouldnt care if I did, as he has nothing to hide.

I really feel for you. Dont let this go on.

I do have the woman's number, and was tempted to contact her initially, but he is the one who betrayed me, and my anger is directed at him really.

She apparently knows his family situation, so her behaviour isn't that nice, but it's his responsibility, imo, not hers.

I can't stand the way he seems to sigh and act all baffled and rather irritated by my anger - he was exclaiming in exasperation as I stomped out of the room when he came in to watch the film and semed to think I would like to sit cosying up with him as if nothing had happened. I f he won't discuss it, I don't want to be near him. And yes, I think he needs to go. I can't imagine I'm going to change my feelings on this.

Now he's snoring peacefully away downstairs on the sofa, while I'm feeling too stressed to want to sleep.

Good stuff, sadandangry. You sound like a strong woman, I'm so glad you're seeing him for what he is. If you get rid of him you will clear the way for new energy to come into your life, and now opportunities.

I hate that smug sort of man. One of my exes was really manipulative and cold. If I disagreed with anything he did and went to argue with him about it, he would say "I'm going to read reading this book now, you can keep on talking but just so you know, I'm no longer listening" What can you say to that?

Good! His exasperation is actually fear that he hasnt managed to fool you. (my ex behaved this way as well) Stay strong and keep posting.