found explicit text on partner's phone today

[sadandangry]

I know it's not right to look through someone's phone, but in my defence partner has had drug issues during our relationship, and has lied to me numerous times, and I've found myself checking who he calls because then i know he's lying, and it's not me who is crazy. Also his phones are in my name so I have access to the records.

I found some slightly dodgy texts the other day, to someone stored under just an initial, and he'd deleted the inbox, so I changed the setting to keep his texts in the sent box.

Today i looked and found a series of sexually explicit texts to someone else, again known by just an initial.

His response when I confronted him has changed through the day...
from
serves you right for snooping
it was just a joke
i've never done it before
i'm really sorry
i was passing on a message
i'll do anything to make it better
i'm in the pub, can you cook for me
it's too late to discuss it (at 21:20)

We have a young child, and I'm pg. He's always gone on so much about being the loyal faithful type, and I believed him, in fact it's almost the only positive thing I saw in him.

I asked him to leave, he's just tucked himself up cosily on the sofa watching a film, telling me he's not going to discuss it tonight.

I feel so betrayed, let down, devastated. I feel sick and hurt and furious.

I guess I shouldn't have spied on him, but then I wouldn't know what a low life he is. He says he hasn't done it before, but he's only recently got into texting... isn't he prgoressing well!!!

Just had to vent my feelings

Sorry, x posts. grrr, all men can do that. Quite happy to fall asleep next to a weeping woman. I honestly can't imagine a woman happily falling asleep knowing their man was upset/crying.

Still, a sleeping man, very tempting. Go pour something on his head. I'm thinking a pint of cold water/tabasco sauce/a cupful of thumbtacks.

OR, if you can get away with it, write "CHEATER" on his forehead in permanent marker.

Ooh, no, do it on the back of his neck instead!

Well it certainly is tempting to pur something over him, but then I'd have to put up with him telling me i'm just too angry, and do I not understand he needs to sleep to work tomorrow.

The downside is I'm financially dependent on him at the moment, and being pg is not the best time to be job hunting.

He went on quite a bit about how I shouldn't look through his phone - but I just think that's defensiveness. I never used to do this, and when I first knew him I had no problems with him chatting / meeting female friends, but then he talked to them openly, when in my company. He wasn't deleting messages from them, or using only initials in his phone.

He's upset that i "set a trap" by ensuring his phone showed his sent texts - but sadly he fell straight into it, and only a day or so after I'd done it.

He wants to concentrate on what I did, not the fact that there was anything to find. If I was an irrationally jealous woman, spying on an innocent man, he'd have a point.

I just think he's so comfortable with the idea that if nothing physical happened, then it's all ok

Turning it back on you is CLASSIC cheating behaviour and an incredible brass neck as well. He KNOWS he is in the wrong, but fortunately so do you.

He's a complete twat, trying to make out it's you not him. That's absolute bollocks. If there was nothing to find it wouldn't matter that you'd "set a trap" would it? Why don't you go microwave his SIM card? My dp says 5 seconds would probably ruin the circuit boards in it but it would look fine.

Cheating, to most people, is defined as anything you wouldn't be happy doing in front of your partner, involving another person/people. Would he have been comfortable sending rude texts in front of you? No. So it's cheating, it's wrong.

I'm so sad he'd do this to you while you're pregnant, it's horrible. I hope you're ok.

I don't have any family nearby, unfortunately.

And when I pointed out that the fact that he was hiding what he'd done, which showed he knew it was wrong, he just said he knew I'd get angry. Well yes. As anyone else would!

I've been really tearful all day - no doubt not helped by raging hormones - it nearly broke my heart though, as 2 year old dd noticed my silent tears a couple of times, and came up to stare into my face looking so worried, before offering me a cuddle and a kiss (which she always offers as a solution if she hears a baby crying, or thinks someone is sad), then asked anxiously if I was happy now.

at hearing about your DD - what a sweetheart. Shame you cant teach her to jump on his head as a fun new game.

I'm loving that microwaved sim card recipe I would have def. done that to my ex, who got a palm pilot so he could send messages to slappers he met on dating sites without me knowing. He reckoned without the copy and paste function tho.

It is the lying you are most angry about i am sure. This is not much comfort but i had a friend who worked for a company that made money from sending 'sexual' texts and explicit photos. The people thought they were texting real people who were 'up for it' but in reality they were often only 'talking' to a bunch of office people and sometimes they were men . The company made more money if they got photos being sent (which they could then use in other texts to others). It is a horrible thought but they were exploting 'stupid' (usually) men for money. My friend would say they tried their hardest to keep the messageing going to make more money and would sometimes 'flash' bits of themselves.

I have seem some of these 'pics' too as she would send some of the 'better' ones to me in the lunch break. We used to have a laugh about how these men thought they were texting a really hot woman when in fact it was my friend (and if it got busy her male boss), they had great fun making up things to text to them.

Anyway what i am saying is it may not be cheating as such he may be being even more stupid than you think.

Anyway good luck with it all

Just re-read the original post, the phone is in your name? Are you paying for him to have been texting? In any event, simply cut the account off as a starter for 10.

Turning it back on you to make it your fault - what an absolute bastard. You know and we know differently.

If it is an o2 phone you can set up "Bluebook" which saves all the incoming messages on the web, so you dont need to look at his phone. Just a thought.
Hope you are doing okay today. {{{hugs}}}

sadand angry - are you a namechanger, do know you from the addicts thread ?

this is why i really cant be doing with relationships tbh. get rid of him, if he can easily lie about this just think what else he has lied to you about and will? if you let him get away with this he will continue to do it knowing you will not take action. believe me in a month or two you will be asking yourself why you did not throw him out sooner!!!

honestly there is only one thing for you to do.

Firstly, do not blame yourself for looking in his phone. I find that I definitely have a sixth sense. Before my DH and I got married we had a few instances like this. Whenever I had a sense something was going on then I would definitely check the phone and sure enough I was nearly always right. Luckily since we have been married I don't even feel like doing it anymore because again I know that things are all OK. So no justification needed for checking things out as far as I am concerned!

Secondly, you must look after yourself emotionally at this important time in your life. Being pregnant it is so important you are not stressed out and it makes me so angry that he is being like this to you let alone when you are pregnant and need all the support you can get.

It all does not sound very good. Is there anything you can do to give him a good sharp shock eg telling him to move out until you are happy to have him near you and your daughter again OR not as good because why the hell should you, you moving out to stay with someone else who can look after you emotionally at the moment....

who owns your house/flat?

thanks everyone for all your support.

Lemonstartree, yes you do know me.

The house is mine but he's paying for it, can't afford it on my own.

This morning I wanted to ignore him, but he asked me how I was, and it made me so angry - how does he think I am. As soon as I started saying how I felt, he said oh you're so angry, don't say anything in front of dd etc etc.

I know it's not right to be angry in front of her, but I can't pretend everything is OK.

He was saying, it's only 4 texts on 1 occasion. I would never do it again - I think in his mind he's rationalised it as a silly moment and i am just a hysterical unreasonable woman being mean to him.

The drug issue, whatever that is, is a completely different Issue if you ask me.

Don't let him make this your fault. He is the one who has done wrong.

Message withdrawn

You sound like you're questioning yourself...what's stopping you from chucking him out? What are you waiting for? Is it just the money issue?

I suspect you've been shat on before as you come across as having a low self-esteem...

I probably do have low esteem in some ways, and he hasn't helped - any emotions i feel - like anger - are due to personality flaws, and my feelings about what he's done are ridiculous...
he speaks to me as if I have no right to want my life to be any different, because at work he hears stories of people in far worse situations.
He ignores me when I ask him to leave

I think I've had some spirit worn out of me! I'd walk out on him, but it seems exhausting trying to get him to do the same.

Do you want him to leave?
I would just chuck his stuff out the front door regardless of whether he was present or not. Then if he still did not leave I would call the police. (im a bit ott though).
Seriously, if you want him to go then you may need to take drastic action.

Can I clarify - the responses you've had from him - were they all via text - obv the pub one was....?

Jesus that is just horrible. I know I wouldn't believe any of his excuses, I hope you work it out so you are happy, sod him. Good luck girl.

You mentioned the house is yours so even if he does ignore your requests for him to leave- legally you can get him removed. You must know this so that's why I was asking what you're waiting for? It seems there's more to this...He may have worn you down by undermining your legitimate feelings and hurt but it is up to YOU not to let him. Any man who could behave this way toward his pregnant partner is an utter shit and you need to act accordingly. Why do you need his approval? He's never going to give you what you need, want or deserve. Until you realise this and put you and your kids first, things will only get worse.
What's your support situation? Family, friends etc?

Just putting a different slant on things what happened before text messaging? I don't text so i guess if i was up to anything i would just have to say it to the person. Nobody would have any prof against me> It is wrong that he is doing this but it could be harmless? I suppose with all the other issues you just don't know.