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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

found explicit text on partner's phone today

69 replies

sadandangry · 19/03/2008 22:33

I know it's not right to look through someone's phone, but in my defence partner has had drug issues during our relationship, and has lied to me numerous times, and I've found myself checking who he calls because then i know he's lying, and it's not me who is crazy. Also his phones are in my name so I have access to the records.

I found some slightly dodgy texts the other day, to someone stored under just an initial, and he'd deleted the inbox, so I changed the setting to keep his texts in the sent box.

Today i looked and found a series of sexually explicit texts to someone else, again known by just an initial.

His response when I confronted him has changed through the day...
from
serves you right for snooping
it was just a joke
i've never done it before
i'm really sorry
i was passing on a message
i'll do anything to make it better
i'm in the pub, can you cook for me
it's too late to discuss it (at 21:20)

We have a young child, and I'm pg. He's always gone on so much about being the loyal faithful type, and I believed him, in fact it's almost the only positive thing I saw in him.

I asked him to leave, he's just tucked himself up cosily on the sofa watching a film, telling me he's not going to discuss it tonight.

I feel so betrayed, let down, devastated. I feel sick and hurt and furious.

I guess I shouldn't have spied on him, but then I wouldn't know what a low life he is. He says he hasn't done it before, but he's only recently got into texting... isn't he prgoressing well!!!

Just had to vent my feelings

OP posts:

Original poster

sadandangry · 21/03/2008 21:06

VVV, no most of his responses to it were when I tried to discuss it with him.

I've now looked in his email and he has some sususpicious addresses stored - I know he likes watching porn, which is fine unless it's impacting upon us. But I think he's probably interacting a bit as well, via email or text or phone, I don't know.

And I don't think there can be anything harmless in what he was texting, no!

His story now is that a male aquaintance told him he was looking for a woman who did x, y, z - so partner did him a favour by texting a woman and asking her if she did these things... then it turned out the male aquaintance was actually gay and interested in my partner... Could anyone make up a more ridiculous defence??????????

When I told him I never wanted him to stay here again, he said.. well, I'll be here on Saturday night, because I want to support you, and help out with dd in the morning. It's like talking to a brick wall.

I think the only option is packing his stuff and putting it on the doorstep. I did it once before because of the drugs issue, but he just banged on the door, and woke dd up, and I didn't want to call the police, to ended up letting him back in.

But now, there's nothing left for us, but I'm left feeling so betrayed. in the last year I've lost my mum, had a mc and now this. I hate him.

OP posts:

littlewoman · 21/03/2008 21:26

How many days did he take to think up that excuse? I'm so sorry you have been let down like this. I do know how much it hurts. It's not like talking to a brick wall. He knows he can do WHATEVER he wants, and you will let him stay there. I don't mean to be harsh with you when you are already hurt, but he will curl up in a ball with fear if you chuck him out. So do it, and bring the arse to heel.

hecate · 21/03/2008 21:31

well, he's clearly not listening to you, doesn't care how you feel, doesn't believe that you actually want him to go, has no intention of leaving and thinks that if he just ignores you, you'll give up. And let me tell you - the next time he does this with the texts and the emails he'll do it knowing that last time (now) he got round you and he'll do it again.

So the question is - are you going to accept that, forget about him going and try to make it work or do you really mean that it's over?

If you think there's any way forward for you as a couple you can get help - counselling etc but he has to WANT to.

If you really think you don't want to go on, you need to be strong and bite the bullet.

But you can't carry on as you are - making threats and not following through, telling him to leave and then sitting while he ignores you. You need to choose.

Original poster

sadandangry · 21/03/2008 21:52

I know you're right. I did manage to get him to "move out" a few weeks back, but he just keeps turning up here, even though he has an alternative. But tomorrow I'll pack his stuff up and leave it for him to pick up. I don't need this stress.

His drugs issue I could look at )in my more charitable moments) as an illness of sorts, where he wasn't choosing to let us down, and didn't acknowledge it as a problem so didn't nee any help.

But this is totally different, it shows utter disrespect, and I don't deserve that.

It'll be a shock to him, as he seems to have forgotten how to wash up, or operate a washing machine (or even defy gravity by picking up his clothes), or work an alarm clock. No more dinners waiting when he gets home - I hope he realises what he;s lost through his stupidity.

OP posts:

BoysOnToast · 21/03/2008 21:54

what was expats acronym? DTMFA?

dump him. he is NOT worth it

BoysOnToast · 21/03/2008 21:55

oh, i see you have.

good. stick to it. you are better than this (anyone is)

MrsMacaroon · 21/03/2008 22:52

sadandangry- you've said it all...just make sure you follow through.

All the best and sorry to hear about your losses.

WallOfSilence · 21/03/2008 23:08

What did the text messages say?

littlewoman · 21/03/2008 23:58

I read this brilliant thing the other day. It said that relationships are basically about 3 issues.
Power.
Affect (emotions).
Respect.

Do you have any power in your relationship? Are you emotionally fulfilled? Does he show you the respect you deserve?
Just food for thought.

Dior · 22/03/2008 00:01

Message withdrawn

littlewoman · 22/03/2008 00:03

This is the article if you want it (I hope I can do this link thing) here

littlewoman · 22/03/2008 00:07

That website is quite large and it has all sorts of interesting stuff on it about relationships. I hope it helps you SAA. Wishing you happier days ahead.

FluffyMummy123 · 22/03/2008 19:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sadandangry · 24/03/2008 23:09

It was pretty basic stuff, not very imaginative. No room for wondering if it was / wasn't inappropriate either

When I wanted him to go, he developed sudden chest pain, and acted like I'd be murdering him if i ejected him. So he's still hanging about, acting like all is ok because he loves us so much and wants us to be married at some point / live happily ever after / it'll all be ok, cos of course I've got it all wrong etc etc. It has at least made him be incredibly helpful with childcare and so on all weekend, but he says he'll go, then carries on sitting there.

Thanls for the artuicle by the way, it was interesting, and sums up the problems we have. I'll have a look through the website when I get a chance too.

OP posts:

littlewoman · 25/03/2008 00:02

I know you are at a horrible point in your life right now. I have had it happen to me - so many times from my xh and I never never wanted it to be the end, because he did love us... it just wasn't 'enough'. Every time there was another woman it was always 'I want more'. Those were his exact words. He smoked grass every day for ten years too. I can't blame you for not wanting to split up your family, but I hope you can find some help for dealing with it so that you regain some power and self-esteem, because I believe essentially the problem is with your partner. Some people just seem to have a huge hole in their life that they are always trying to fill, but just can't.

MrsMacaroon · 25/03/2008 00:06

sadandangry- why are you falling for this shit? you can't be serious...chest pains? Jeez

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 25/03/2008 00:08

Wanker. Wait till he's out, change the locks, chuck his stuff in a few bin bags and leave outside for him!

Or rather, what would you like to do next? Do you want to keep him?

littlewoman · 25/03/2008 00:13

I really don't think there's much point keeping him because I think he'll always be hollow as an easter egg. But till you're at the point of no return, SAA, I have a feeling you will hang on to him... I understand why, but it's such a waste of your young life.

MrsMacaroon · 25/03/2008 00:58

You're giving him a message that he can do whatever he wants... and you're taking any power that you had away from yourself. Nobody can make him stop behaving inappropriately or disrespectfully but equally, no-one can make you get your arse in gear and take a stand...only you can change the course of your life and if you don't set standards for your relationships or you're prepared to compromise yourself for an 'easier time'- you have to accept that you may always be let down or cheated on. The decision is yours.

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