Realising you'll likely never have children

[Blueyellow123]

I'm not far off 32 years old and I think it's dawned on me I'm unlikely to have any children. I have a medical condition not fertility related but would in likelihood make pregnancy painful the older I get. So I wouldn't really want to ttc after the age of 35. I've been in a relationship for around a year, it's genuinely lovely he's a year older.
However we live in our own houses that are both mortgaged, so unlikely to move in with one another anytime soon. Had a very brief conversation where he said, if we're still together in a couple years we could do with selling both houses and buy a joint house. I don't want marriage, I have more money in my house than he does so we would split the house percentage wise , but could probably afford to buy a house outright or with a very small mortgage together.

In reality I'd be nearly 34 years old and I know one of my sisters struggled with fertility in her 20s, so theoretically I may have similar issues and not even know about it. I wouldn't ever want to push for trying for children when he's not ready and I would like to live together for a year or so before trying for a baby. Which would take me to 35 even if I fell pregnant quickly. I think it just took me by surprise that in all likelihood I will remain childless. Anyone else in a similar position?

39 here. Childless and have just come out of a 5 year relationship so i'm feeling pretty hopeless and would give anything to be 35 again and not waste that 5 years!

Have you talked with your partner about a timescale of having children together?

Being a tad bit older than you but with a few life experiences under my belt, you really never know what life will throw at you. I wouldn't write anything off just yet, and if children are something you really want, I'd also try and be a bit less restrictive and militant about how your life is going to pan out. It sounds like you're resigning yourself to a situation that doesn't need to be how you're resigning it. Life's short, take some chances, don't sweat the small stuff so much.

I would think that it's not too unreasonable to aim to move in together after 2 years of dating if all is going well. I'd be a tad pondersome at why he feels he needs 3 years, that is a long time tbf and I'd be quetioning why the lack of enthusiasm? Especially if he knows your situation.
If its pure financial risk factor, perhaps try renting out both your places and moving in a rental for a year to see how it goes. You don't really know someone properly until you live with them and that will minimise risk to either of you.
Have you spent any full weeks together yet? Holidays together perhaps or time at each others? That might give a clue as to how we'll you gel.

@roses321 sorry to hear that
@Thingsthatgo tbh we haven't had the discussion about kids yet, I wouldn't ttc before we move in together, so that sort of dictates the timeline.

If having children is important enough that you would have to come to terms with not having them, why not have a couple of therapy sessions with your current partner to explore the idea of having kids earlier than you otherwise would? If it’s not something he can consider, you could also reflect on whether single parenthood by choice would be preferable to childlessness.

But do you want them?

If you want to have a baby then do it! I ended up a single parent with a 15 month old. It wasn't my life plan but I've loved every single second of it. If your current partner doesn't want a baby then don't waste your time if you do! Nobody can predict the future you do however need to control your present! x

You don’t have to stick to rules and time frames if you don’t want to. Certainly don’t give up having children (if you want them) for an arbitrary ideal of how soon you should have them.

@Opentooffers the 2 years time I think is purely to do with mortgages tbh as that would be the best time for us to sell up and stuff. We have spent full weeks together and holidays etc travel to each other's houses, so we are spending a lot of time together. Renting out our houses wouldn't work as we would both have to remortgage, get buy to let mortgages, tax thresholds would mean it would cost us money to rent them out on top of us paying someone else rent

Meantime have a talk with your GP about your fears of pregnancy and your Dsis issues and perhaps look into checking out your own fertility . You might not have as many barriers as you think. Better to get the facts around it so you know what you are dealing with.

Please DON'T do this.

A child needs a Mother and Father, to deliberately bring one into the world knowing it won't have a Father's input and love is just cruel. It should be about what's best for the child, not you.

I don't think he doesn't want children either, I think it's just a case of neither one of us considering them now whilst we're living separately and only being together a year. If one of us was in a rental or living with parents I don't think either of us would mind moving into the other's property. But both of us have fixed mortgages and things we'd need to do to the houses before we could sell and then we'd need to buy another house, it's all not a quick process

I also would never consider being a single parent willingly, I get that it works for some people, personally I'd rather not have children. I get that it may not work out that way if you subsequently split up, but that would not be something I'd do on purpose

At 32 I hadn't even considered kids. None of my friends had kids before 36. Some were early 40s.
Not to negate your feelings, you're still young though.

I'm aware I wouldn't be considered old in this day and age having children past the age of 35 but I have a medical condition which would mean switching to pregnancy safe meds which are probably less effective, likely to have a rough time physically in pregnancy, I don't want to be in my late 30s/early 40s as it will be tough enough physically anyway. If I was perfectly healthy I wouldn't be as concerned. Also I would like to reduce the chances of potential additional needs where the likelihood increases with the age of the mother

I think if you want children and would like to try for them by a certain age because of your health, then you need to have conversation with him about children. In your 30s I would find it strange to go into a serious relationship without knowing if the person is on the same page as you regarding future plans.

Im 39 and about to give birth to my first. Didn’t think kids would be in our future so never rule anything out.

If it is important enough you will find a way around the property/mortgage situation.

If you wanted to, you could just leave one of the flats unlived in while living in the other. It’s ok to make a decision that isn’t financially sensible if it gets you something else you want. It’s fine not to want to have children or not to want them enough to forgo other things, but staying childless because your mortgage isn’t BTL is an odd decision. You also have to consider the opportunity cost.
I definitely spent over 10k on maintaining two households when we could have had one, but I would see it as a worthwhile investment. It’s easier to see it as worthwhile because we eventually married, sure, but I think it would have been worth it even if we had split up.

If you want children ask your partner if he wants them. If he does then speak about your concerns that your leisurely timeline as a couple is risking your fertility and about what you could do to speed that timeline up.

All your reasons for waiting years to move in are very meh - mortgages/ tax/ doing stuff to houses. Nothing at all that couldn't be overcome if you found out you were pregnant tomorrow.

Do you really think not having children (that you want) because of the timing of a mortgage renewal is a good life choice? Seems bizarre to me.

You don't necessarily need a buy to let mortgage to let your property. You can often get permission to let from your existing lender, or sell and pay an early repayment charge, leave one house empty for a bit, or whatever - if you want something look for solutions not problems.

I’d move in to one house and rent the other out initially.

Don’t time anything out - life is strange and unpredictable. A lot can happen in 2 years.

When I was 32, single and with a medical condition I recognised I might not have children. (I do have children now.) But I definitely discussed plans for children with my partner pretty quickly when I met them. What's stopping you having a conversation about it?

Do you know what his general thoughts are around being a parent one day as a concept? If not, just ask him in a general sense if one day he thinks it would be something he'd be up for. People sometimes even ask on 1st dates these days.
Yes you can expect to pay an early exit penalty fee from a mortgage, but it's worth asking how much this would be. Sometimes you have to accept a financial hit to get what you want in life. It could well be offset by the cheaper cost of 1 mortgage between you instead of 2 and only one set of bills. Hell these days, you'd probably save in the long run just by having one gas/ electric bill between you.
I don't think, therefore, waiting till a mortgage term ends is really that essential in the grand scheme, so you could bring it forwards a year if you both really wanted to.

If you really want kids then you shouldn't let issues about the mortgage etc get in the way. It sounds like you and your dp are both pretty secure financially - having kids is expensive and will in any case leave you with less money to spend on yourselves. If you are ready, and he is happy with having kids, you should find a way of moving in together now, not wait until the mortgage dictates. Your future health and family life is more important than your future mortgage.