Realising you'll likely never have children

[Blueyellow123]

I'm not far off 32 years old and I think it's dawned on me I'm unlikely to have any children. I have a medical condition not fertility related but would in likelihood make pregnancy painful the older I get. So I wouldn't really want to ttc after the age of 35. I've been in a relationship for around a year, it's genuinely lovely he's a year older.
However we live in our own houses that are both mortgaged, so unlikely to move in with one another anytime soon. Had a very brief conversation where he said, if we're still together in a couple years we could do with selling both houses and buy a joint house. I don't want marriage, I have more money in my house than he does so we would split the house percentage wise , but could probably afford to buy a house outright or with a very small mortgage together.

In reality I'd be nearly 34 years old and I know one of my sisters struggled with fertility in her 20s, so theoretically I may have similar issues and not even know about it. I wouldn't ever want to push for trying for children when he's not ready and I would like to live together for a year or so before trying for a baby. Which would take me to 35 even if I fell pregnant quickly. I think it just took me by surprise that in all likelihood I will remain childless. Anyone else in a similar position?

@EarthSight that does sound like a really tough year, I'm glad you seem to be better now e en if it still hurts spmetimes.
if I had a flare up following birth I would need support from my partner. It is incredibly painful during flare ups, but he's a good man and I have no doubt he would provide any support needed. The condition would settle once I returned to pre pregnancy drugs, but I would have the potential to have some really difficult months if i was the 1/3 that get worse

I think I'd structure the conversation:
'Would you like children one day?'
[Response - proceed if answer yes or maybe]
'I would like a child, if the circumstances were right.
I'd want to ttc under the age of 35 due to my medical issues.
Would you be interested in having a child together if we are in a good place in (timeframe)?
I'd only want a child together if we were living together, in a good place financially, and you really wanted a child too.'
You come across quite clear with what you want, so you're right, the hard part is the risk of hearing no. I think your boundaries make a lot of sense.

Would you have enough money to get in someone to help with the baby, for a day a week? Bear in mind I have no idea how much that would cost. Or parents that could help?

Not initially, you can gain permission from your mortgage lender to rent out the property, for a fee. Mine was NatWest for about £120 a year.

@Surprisenewtcatcher thank you for the conversation suggestion, I think.thsts a good way to structure it. If that's not what he wants then I will accept it, I will try not to show any disappointment if that's the case even if I feel it
@EarthSight I think friends/family would help where they could and if we were desperate I think we'd be able to maybe pay for some sort of outside help

It's a big decision, but if I was going to have a baby in your shoes, I'd be trying get as much help as I could in advance. Map it all out.

My concern for you is that having a baby seems stressful on most people so it might be harder on you, depending on the baby. Some babies are easy going, and others don't sleep well and are just not like that no matter what their parents do. I wouldn't write it off completely just yet though - I think you need to speak to more women like you about their experiences.

I had my first at 34 and second at 36. I'm 44 and would love another but my husband doesn't. If you want one you still have plenty of time

If you want kids I would rent one of the houses out and move in together (I wanted to be married but I totally respect that’s not the be all and end all but my dh moved in with me)

that way you both still own your properties and you could move along faster

I don't understand the housing rule at all. Between you, you have two houses. There's no way you can't sort out living under one roof while still legally protecting yourselves.

It's a self created obstacle.

The fact you can't seem to talk about children. A relatively normal topic for mist couples, seems strange. What's holding you back? What's the fear?

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees the two year timescale was just something he mentioned casually in conversation about we'd probably need to sell both houses in a couple years and buy one together. I wouldn't want to push him into anything quicker than he would feel comfortable. My reluctance to rent out the houses is because it's a pain in the arse, you get taxed and you would have to pay out on renting another property, it would be stressful to me to have the risk of tenants not paying/trashing the house all while needing to pay for rent in another house and filling in self assessments forms for tax, getting permission from mortgage company or switching to buy to let

My fear with bringing up a conversation around having children I think comes from a previous very long term relationship where he always seemed okay about having children at some point, we'd talk about it. Got strung along in a nearly 10 year relationship and the last year or 2 he would shut down and get annoyed if I started to try talk about it. So I guess the thought of having the conversation with new dp and either him saying yes just to please me, or stringing me along again is a worry and also if he says no he doesn't want a child in the next 3 years, then I'll need to accept that I'm ultimately not going to have children and trying to not look disappointed as I wouldn't want to guilt him into changing his mind

for me im easy either way, currently near 40, dont have any so far

You don't necessarily need a buy to let mortgage to let your property. You can often get permission to let from your existing lender

Yeah I don't know what the story is now but I was with Nationwide and they used to just add a percentage to your interest rate, I think.

Even if the existing mortgage company would accept a one-off payment or extra interest or whatever renting out my house to rent another house would be an odd financial choice it'd just be chucking money down the drain at that point. I'm not in a comfortable enough position to be paying out 100s more a month when I have a house already and if a tenant moved into my house and stopped paying rent it can fairly easily cripple me financially, it wouldn't be a risk I would take, also all the stuff currently needing to be done on my house would need to be finished in order to rent it out

OK....but if you don't have any conversations or make any housing moves, then situation remains unchanged.

I'm not sure what you are hoping for. At the moment, you gave options but don't want to explore then. You may not have the same options in a few years.

I think you have to bite the bullet.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees I'm aware I need a conversation with him, I was given advice further up the thread of how to raise it with him
Renting a house with him won't be the thing that resolves any problem

I need to get over the fear of bringing it up with him and then depending on that conversation we'll need to look at our options or I'll have to accept if he doesn't want children in the next 3 years then I will remain childless
Some people may think these conversations are easy, I'm not one of those people

I think a lot of people's suggestions on housing aren't that you rent out both houses to rent another (which would be more risky and expensive) but that one of you rents out your house and you live in the other. The risk then is a lot lower as you or your partner can continue to pay your mortgage as usual and any rental income (after expenses and tax) is a bonus.

You have said several times if your partner doesn't want children then you will have ti accept not having them- but you could choose to finish with him and look for a partner that does want a family.

If I’m honest, I would be very disappointed with this arrangement. Have you expressed to him that having children is important to you? If so, for him to just be happy to leave you hanging with the possibility of maybe trying for a child in 3 years is not fair on you and seems like he is just stringing you along to some extent. The practicalities of the houses etc do sound like a possible excuse for him not to commit to whether he definitely wants children but also to keep you around. It’s your life after all, you have to decide if this is something you really want and if so, to think about whether you are willing to compromise on it.
I mean this with kindnesss, but just don’t sell yourself short. The only person who can ultimately look out for your interests is you.