Realising you'll likely never have children

[Blueyellow123]

I'm not far off 32 years old and I think it's dawned on me I'm unlikely to have any children. I have a medical condition not fertility related but would in likelihood make pregnancy painful the older I get. So I wouldn't really want to ttc after the age of 35. I've been in a relationship for around a year, it's genuinely lovely he's a year older.
However we live in our own houses that are both mortgaged, so unlikely to move in with one another anytime soon. Had a very brief conversation where he said, if we're still together in a couple years we could do with selling both houses and buy a joint house. I don't want marriage, I have more money in my house than he does so we would split the house percentage wise , but could probably afford to buy a house outright or with a very small mortgage together.

In reality I'd be nearly 34 years old and I know one of my sisters struggled with fertility in her 20s, so theoretically I may have similar issues and not even know about it. I wouldn't ever want to push for trying for children when he's not ready and I would like to live together for a year or so before trying for a baby. Which would take me to 35 even if I fell pregnant quickly. I think it just took me by surprise that in all likelihood I will remain childless. Anyone else in a similar position?

Your rules are your problem. Stop having this odd time line....most people just fall pregnant without planning

I understand people fall pregnant and just have to deal with the position they're in at the time, but it feels irresponsible to walk into something as big as having a child without trying to do your best to get into a good position to do so

I think I also find it hard to have a discussion about timelines around children. I'm not sure if it's just a worry about someone agreeing to something they don't want. So even if he seemed receptive to moving on quicker, I think I would wonder if he was just agreeing to it to not lose me. I'm aware this is a me issue. Don't know how to get myself to think about it differently

I would never have been in this situation as I geared my life toward having children. I did not date anyone who did not want children etc.

I think you need to think about whether you want them. If you do, you need to work toward it.

I also think you need to know if your partner wants them. He has no time limit. He can wait 5 years, declare himself ready and be off to have them. He needs to understand that there are time limitations at play that he may not be expecting.

How do people raise the conversation without looking like the crazy body-clock.is ticking lady? 😂
I'm assertive in most other ways. But very much a wimp when it comes to this situation

You're not in such a bad position that it would be irresponsible to have a child. You are imposing rules on yourself. I think that you are just (understandably) scared about things not being perfect - but things rarely are perfect.

It seems to me like the only concrete thing actually stopping you is that you don't live together and both have mortgages.

No offense but that is a really silly thing to let get in the way of having a child! - You are right that having a child is a massive decision - it's also a really important thing to do if it's something that you want.

You sound quite down on yourself/ glass half empty to be honest - it doesn't have to be this way but you have to take the reins.

Also - if you can afford a private fertility MOT then just go and get it done now, so you can find out if you're likely to have any problems. You don't have to wait until you start TTC to get the ball rolling on that.

I was told 18 it wasn’t likely I’d be able to have children. I wasn’t fussed about it through my 20s and didn’t look into it at all. I met DH at 33 and things moved fairly quickly after that - had DC at 36 & 39. Had a couple of MC along the way but it wasn’t the big drama I thought it might be at all.

So I went from being 32 assuming I’d never have DC to well, parenthood, in a few short years.

Sperm donor? I got pregnant with my second at 40. It's not too late to try.

Quite simply you are truthful with him and if he’s not into it, he’s just not that into you. And therefore not who you should be with. It’s really that simple.

I would not set a time limit on a cut off. Your creating additional barriers. My lovely friend said no babies after 35. I had a baby at 37 and 40 all fine. She is now 50 and I think regrets that hard cut off. I'm as ready to face teenagers into my 50s as I am in my forties.

Being pg is always a risk and often painful regardless of age. You could have pgp in your 20s and be in wheelchair with it.

If you’re happy not having children that’s fine and yes it can still take time to come to that realisation, but they’re not everything and you can have a lovely happy and fulfilled life with them

however, although only you and your drs know your medical condition best but you’re describing a 31 year old woman, in a happy steady relationship, in a strong financial position, who for some reason has decided it’s too late.
I’m not really clear why you’ve decided that’s it, if you don’t want it to be. Without even trying to have a conversation about it, or consider other options to becoming a mother / parental figure like adoption and fostering.
It sounds like you want children and you’re in your 30s but for some reason you’ve not spoken to your long term partner about them or just your future plans in general, you’ve just let him suggest once about moving in in a few years and accepted that? What do you want? What are you suggesting? Is he aware you expect to have fertility problems? Does he want children? Do you want children with him? Even if you don’t want children and you’re just coming to terms with that for yourself, that seems like something it’s worth mentioning to your partner?

i would say ‘if we’re still together in a few years’ is hardly the romantic proposal I’d be jumping at admittedly.

You've been together a year, you're 32 and you have a health condition. It wouldn't be at all crazy body clock lady to raise it with him. I've raised it much sooner with men I was dating in my 30s - I just wanted to know before I wasted time on them. None of them baulked at the conversation. Especially if you do it matter of factly.

Just say "So, ideally I'd like to have children but with my health and other factors, I'd rather not be doing it much after 35. How do you feel about having children?". He might say "ugh, no!" or "it's the most important thing in the world to me!" and then you have a starting point for the conversation.

As an option, could one of you rent out your house and move into the other so that at least you'd only need one set of preparations/mortgage switch etc etc.

I completed agree with you, such bad advice!

I agree, having a child is a huge commitment that should never be taken lightly!

Having children might be really important to him.

You have to have the conversation to find out.

You are only 32. He will have no idea there could be a looming fertility deadline.

He could spend years with you only to find out that you have decided that at 35 it’s too late.

Its really unfair to string him along like this.

By keeping all the knowledge to yourself, you are denying him agency and choice over his own life.

This makes me so sad. Obviously, I don’t know you OP or your DP.

But seriously, get married and have a baby. All this mortgage stuff and no marriage stuff … it just sounds like you are protecting yourself from hurt.

Bad decision. Sorry. Families are worth a shot. And marriage is a set of rights you and your children benefit from.

I've been with OH ten years, he had two sons from previous marriage. We broke up in 2020, he wanted a different life, didn't want marriage or kids all over again, wanted to travel, got a motorbike, all a bit midlife crisis-y, I was devastated at starting again at 34, thought my chances of a child were completely over. We never really split in the end, took 6 months during lockdown renovating a home for me to move into that I never ended up moving into, and here we are 3 years later, a ring on my finger and a little boy currently kicking at my bladder. Life has its own way, but don't hang around wasting your own time either. That really is the only thing I'd change if I could. Also, to quote "he's just not into you", I may also be the exception, not the rule. Do what's best for you now. Hell, do it alone if that's what you need to do x

@ConciseQueen the no marriage thing is a protective thing for myself, divorces happen. Women are already in more vulnerable positions by being the individual who has to be pregnant, usually the one who ends up with 90% custody, no way I'm risking losing my money earnt pre-relationship on marriage. More risk for me & any potential future children

Hi OP. I don't have a medical condition that would impact me like yours, but in my late 30s, single, still having to live at home as I can't afford a decent house, with an unstable job, with perimenopausal symptoms creeping in.....yes....I've come to realise I'll probably never have children now. 2022 was a really hard year for me emotionally and I had to realise the magnitude of not having the future I wanted with a suitable man.

Have you been on forums related to your condition, and asked what pregnancy was like for other women who has that condition.

@EarthSight sorry to hear that, do you think you're in a better headspace with it now?
People with my condition have an unpredictable reaction to pregnancy 1/3 get worse, 1/3 about the same and 1/3 feel better than normal. I'm currently on medication that you can't have while pregnant so switching to a safe medication is a risk of causing flare ups. Some people really really struggle post pregnancy and it's something where damage will increase with age, so I wouldn't want the higher risk of being potentially quite disabled during and after pregnancy by having children later as being pregnant at later ages is a physical strain at the best of times

It’s absolutely fine to decide you don’t want to have children, or don’t want to have children if you are over 35, or don’t want to move in together until three years’ time when you are past your desired age for TTC.

But these are all active decisions you are making. You could rent your place out, move in with him, and TTC next year if you actually wanted to. No, the net rental income probably wouldn’t fully cover the mortgage unless you have a lot of equity, but it wouldn’t cost you more money in total than the residential mortgage payments you’d be making anyway.

It honestly sounds like you don’t actually want children, but feel you ought to want to. So you are looking for reasons why you can’t possibly have them, then telling yourself it’s not your fault, the fates have prevented you from TTC.

Yes, but mind you, because of my personality and family background, I was never a maternal or desperate for children as other women. I never had a biological ticking clock moment, but I realised that I would have had a better outlook on it if I had a different partner and had to grieve a future that I previously didn't really see as suitable for me. It was complicated and by the time I unpacked all of it, it's pretty much too late.

It's helped that my perplexing health symptoms have reduced a lot since taking testosterone, and it restored my drive to do things again. I've heard it can act like a mild-antidepressant on some people.....so who knows. Maybe that helped.

It catches me every now and again. I don't know if a year like 2022 will come back again, but I hope not. At one point, one of the hard things was that a part of me felt like I had died on the inside. I felt like a ghost, almost outside of society. I even had a dream like that. Feeling like my life lacked meaning. One of the hardest aspects is coming to terms that my life will look different to most people's and the added sense of otherness that come with that.

Also - I think what you have to weigh-up is if that 1/3 risk is worth having children for, how would you cope if that were the case, and would your partner fully support you? It sounds to me like you might need counselling to help you work through your thoughts maybe.

I would like a child, but I would only want one where I was living with my partner, ttc under the age of 35 due to medical issues, my partner was keen and willing to have them and financially stable
If one of these didn't fit in, then I won't be having children and I will live with that, although it would be disappointing for me

I know I need to have a proper discussion with him, but it feels awkward and scary to bring up. Like I said I'm quite assertive in most situations but trying to ask for things make it possible to have a child worries me in case he agrees and I think he'll feel pressured into saying yes (no reason to think this, he's not come across as anti-children) or if he doesn't agree then according to the conditions I've set, then that's no children for me and I'll have to accept that and it'll be quite sad