My boyfriend seems uncomfortable with my friendship with his brother’s girlfriend

[Thequaintone]

I should start this by saying my boyfriend (32 M) hasn’t explicitly said anything that confirms my (31 F) suspicions but every time I mention having plans with his brother’s girlfriend (F30) he seems uncomfortable and has even said on one occasion that if we broke up he has “the power” to stop me from seeing her and the child she shares with his brother.

She recently had a baby and came home from the hospital. Myself and my boyfriend have had our own personal issues recently which meant that he went to visit them without me and we haven’t discussed visiting them together yet. In conversation, I planned to visit the new mum and baby by myself. I mentioned to my boyfriend that I would be visiting new mum and baby soon and his response almost confirmed to me that he wasn’t happy about this.

Am I missing something here? Am I in the wrong for planning to see them by myself? On occasions I’ve wondered whether my friendship with her might be overstepping boundaries in my relationship with my boyfriend since I got to know her through my boyfriend and his family. I get on really well with her, we have a lot of shared interests and have a similar energy so I’ve felt like we just naturally gravitated towards each other.

I’d love some advise from people who aren’t in my immediate circle of friends and family. Please be honest but kind in your responses

You're more than reasonable to have a friendship with her. What he said about 'the power' is just weird and uncomfortable.

He is weird.

you can be friends with who you want

I wonder if your bf has hit on his sil in the past and doesn’t want you to find out.
It’s very odd anyway.

The minute he said he has ‘the power’ would be a huge red flag. Who does he actually think he is?

Is this man actually someone you want to remain with going forward?. Who is he to dictate something like he has the power to stop you?. He is not who you thought he is.

My response to that would be 'Oh you do? such as what, big boy?' but I'm old and fed up with the shit some men ladle out to women.

Sad little man trying to control what a woman does and who she sees, OP. Cards on the table time for him to shape up and explain himself.

Thanks for your response. The power comment did leave a pretty bad taste in my mouth. I thought it was weird

I'm interpreting it as your boyfriend isn't sure about the longevity of your relationship so doesn't necessarily want you becoming too enmeshed in his family life. You indicate you've had problems so might he be thinking that you may not be together much longer?

I’ve spent too much time on MN but the first thing that came to my mind is that there has been ‘something’ between them before you came on the scene.

The ‘power’ stuff is 🚩🚩🚩 but you know that. Esp in a background if things not quite working out as well as they could be.

I'm sorry OP but to me it sounds like he might be rethinking your relationship and doesn't want you to form relationships with people in his family circle if you do break up as that would mean it wouldn't be a 'clean' break.

I'd wonder if he's worried she knows some stuff about him (via his brother) that he doesn't want you to know.

Still doesn't mean he can dictate who OP is friends with though

I agree with others; it sounds as though she knows about the skeletons in his closet. I'd stay friends with her and dump any man who talked about having power over me.

He seems to easily be able to envisage a future without you op. Why make the "power" comment otherwise?

Other possibilities are - he may have had a fling/wanted to have a fling with her and doesn't want you finding out, or he just enjoys controlling the relationships of those around him.

Do you have any children and how invested are you in this relationship?

My guess is he uses his brother as a convenient excuse - out with dbro, dropped in dbro etc when he's up to something else, and is worried that your link to the girlfriend will give the game away.

Or that he doesn't see the relationship as long-term and doesn't want you building family-style relationships.

Neither scenario is great.

What are the issues you had that meant he went to the hospital without you?

Thank you all so much for your responses so far, it is truly appreciated and i feel very reassured. I just wanted to add that i do share the same concerns that a few of you have brought up in relation to him not being sure about the longevity of the relationship - this hasn't been confirmed but it's something i've thought about. My main suspicion was that he doesn't want me to get close to his brother's girlfriend because he doesn't want me to find out things about his brother. He has always been weirdly very protective of his family and while i would occasionally vent about my family and friends, he doesn't and i can tell he's always very careful about anything he tells me about them. I have always found this weird and uncomfortable because it doesn't allow me to actually get to know his family and it doesn't humanise them either. Even worse is we have been together for 4 years and i've gotten to know members of his family who he is quite protective of and can see certain traits and things they have said over the years that i know he wouldn't want me to know about them. I'm never judgmental about him or his family and i've never thought poorly of him based on his family's actions but i get a feeling that's something he's always been overly concerned about which has also been a bit of a red flag for me.

You women are two adults and can be friends if you both agree. Your boyfriend is strange.

Yes, would you like to tell us about those?

That was my first thought.

He doesn't want you and her together alone. Possibly because she knows too much negative stuff about him or his family or because he once hit on her. He's afraid she'll spill the beans. I think you should walk away from this relationship.

Yep also I’d be thinking it suggests he doesn’t see a long term future with
you.
there is a “ don’t get too comfy…” vibe about it

Reading the title made me immediately think he might fancy her/ something between them, but having read the post and further context, I don’t think so. It seems that he isn’t sure about a future with you, she is clearly more enmeshed in the family as her and the brother just had a baby together. He thinks you are overstepping by acting like in laws when you are still girlfriend and boyfriend. He’s thinking about it you broke up would you still be around his family all the time. That’s my bet- however you should be very very blunt and have this conversation with him, ask where exactly he thinks the relationship is going after his dodgy power comment.

“The Power” just sounds controlling and weird. Who made him the boss of everything?!

Sorry but it sounds like you don't have much of a relationship. Is he thinking of leaving? Not to be harsh but why else would he say such things!