My boyfriend seems uncomfortable with my friendship with his brother’s girlfriend

[Thequaintone]

I should start this by saying my boyfriend (32 M) hasn’t explicitly said anything that confirms my (31 F) suspicions but every time I mention having plans with his brother’s girlfriend (F30) he seems uncomfortable and has even said on one occasion that if we broke up he has “the power” to stop me from seeing her and the child she shares with his brother.

She recently had a baby and came home from the hospital. Myself and my boyfriend have had our own personal issues recently which meant that he went to visit them without me and we haven’t discussed visiting them together yet. In conversation, I planned to visit the new mum and baby by myself. I mentioned to my boyfriend that I would be visiting new mum and baby soon and his response almost confirmed to me that he wasn’t happy about this.

Am I missing something here? Am I in the wrong for planning to see them by myself? On occasions I’ve wondered whether my friendship with her might be overstepping boundaries in my relationship with my boyfriend since I got to know her through my boyfriend and his family. I get on really well with her, we have a lot of shared interests and have a similar energy so I’ve felt like we just naturally gravitated towards each other.

I’d love some advise from people who aren’t in my immediate circle of friends and family. Please be honest but kind in your responses

If your boyfriend wanted to have you in his life for the long term, surely he would be happy for you to be involved with his family, including being an ‘auntie’ to his new family member.

the ‘power’ bit is really off.

lastly, our instincts are powerful. Yours are piecing together lots of experiences. I’d be careful.

Like a PP said, I think the brother’s girlfriend has something on your boyfriend, like possibly he tried it on with her, that he doesn’t want you knowing. The comment about the power is showing major red flags and I’d want to know why it was even a thought that you two would split up.

She knows something about him via his brother that he doesn’t want you finding out.

My husband’s brother’s wife is my best friend, nothing weird about it. The power comment is really off.

Who the fuck does he think he is.

In a ltr it's usually a positive when that person gets on with the family.

Is he worried she may spill something if you and her become good friends?

She knows something. Hopefully it's not his baby as opposed to his brother's.

She almost certainly has dirt on him that he doesn't want you to find out!

It sounds a bit far fetched, but I thought that too.

Definitely a strange comment to be thinking about you breaking up rather than being happy you formed a relationship with his family

My money would be that he tells his brother about all your fights and he greatly exaggerates your repsective roles in the problems you have. He is worried that brother's girlfriend and brother might mention something to make you realise he is oversharing, or that they will hear your side of the story.

In general though, the comment about the power to stop you seeing her is really weird. It suggests he doesn't plan on this relationship being long term. That would concern me. Most long term partners would want you to get along with their own family. It's also odd because of course you wouldn't hang out with your ex's SIL. I have been in a relationship with 15 years and think of my SIL and her daughter as my own family. I have no doubt that if DP and I broke up, I would never meet up with them 1:1 again. We'd see each other at family events like my own DC's birthdays, probably, but they wouldn't be my family anymore.

Weird! Your not in the wrong. My partner would and actually did encourage my to be friends with his extended family. We’ve been together 9 years now and never been an issue

This is weird. You can be friends with who you want. I’m still great friends with my ex-SIL, who my DH’s brother was an utter twat to. He’s not happy about it but me and DH don’t care. Your boyfriend sounds controlling - red flag.

Sounds like he's stepping back from commitment not wanting to welcome you into his family - maybe he doesn't see a long term commitment. Personally I would run a mile.

He wants to keep you guys separate.

Because it’s such a weird thing to do, the most we can do is speculate why. But again, because it’s weird no positive reason can be drawn. You’re young, I wouldn’t waste any more time in this relationship. This is a big and very weird red flag.

Also the power comment - very very strange. I wonder what else he thinks he has power you over?

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He sounds lovely 🙄.

You don't need his permission to go visit her. I think its lovely that you want to go visit them - it would look odd if you didn't want to tbh and they might be hurt and think you don't care if you don't......

Reads to me like he’s planning on breaking up with you and doesn’t want you and his SIL being friends as it means you’ll still be around in the future. By the sounds of him though it won’t be a loss op.

@Thequaintone your bullshit alarm is activated for good reason.

He is 100% absolutely hiding something.

Could be he doesn't want you learning about something he or his brother has done. Could be she is a former shag.

Doesn't matter what his secret is - the bigger red flag his his veiled threat and "power" comment. This is not a good sign for a happy, enduring relationship.

I'd sit him down after your next visit with her and ask him if he has anything he wants to tell you. Give him a change to come clean.

If he doesn't, you should rethink things because having secrets on top of the controlling, nasty behaviour is going to lead to more and you'll end up miserable.

Remember, we treat the ones we love WITH love. Not with abuse, lies and manipulation.

Why did he go to see her in the hospital without you?

It sounds like he really doesn't want you spending too much time with her, especially alone.

Maybe she knows something that he's worried will come out when you're together, perhaps a history between them.

Maybe he is pulling away, does he keep you at arms length with any other family members, or is it just her?

"On occasions I’ve wondered whether my friendship with her might be overstepping boundaries in my relationship with my boyfriend since I got to know her through my boyfriend and his family."
Where did this idea of 'overstepping boundaries ' come from? Whilst I have friends I met at school or work or hobbies, I also have friends I met through friends or family. That's normal life! His brother's girlfriend is not his family's possession. She can make friends with you and you can make friends with her, and that is independent of his family.

His 'power' comment is deeply unsettling. You've been together for four years; but have you really? 'Together' is not a word that sits well with his behaviour towards you. He doesn't want you getting close to his family. You see it as him being protective of them (and why would he need to protect them?), but I wonder. You say "My main suspicion was that he doesn't want me to get close to his brother's girlfriend because he doesn't want me to find out things about his brother" - what if it's because he doesn't want you to find out things about HIM?

I agree that it points to him seeing you as a temporary fixture in his life. I would think long and hard whether I want to sink any more of my life into this relationship, because I don't think it's going anywhere.

"... we have been together for 4 years and i've gotten to know members of his family who he is quite protective of and can see certain traits and things they have said over the years that i know he wouldn't want me to know about them."

Traits? Can you elaborate on that?

Please have a serious re think about this relationship. he is already trying to control access to people who perhaps would not cover for any untruths or bad behaviour.

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If he saw you as long term then he’d have no issue with it.

It sounds to me like he’s making moves to split with you. Maybe have a talk with him and see where his heads at.

If that was me, I would be worried that he doesn't see the relationship lasting very long. But then if that was me and he said he had any kind of "power" over me, I would have dumped him. After I finished laughing out loud over that ridiculous comment.

Sounds like he's done something in his past that she knows about, and he's worried you'll get close and she might tell you. That's my theory anyway.