My mother just broke the last straw

[LovelyBranches]

On Friday, my baby was born sleeping at 18 weeks. This is a really difficult time for me and I almost feel guilty about even thinking about my mother at this time but I feel like she did something which has been the last straw.

My mother has always been quite a difficult woman, she’s argumentative, has a very quick temper, is obsessed with cleaning and although she has been very generous with me and I know she does love me, she tries to buy love. She is drawn like a moth to a flame to a crisis and she likes to feel needed.

When I was a child she used to hit me a lot, although she’s never hit my children.When I was 23 we lost my father (her husband) and she told everyone that I ‘stole’ her grief and I wouldn’t let her grieve when I remember it as the absolute opposite.

I moved out of the house at the same age because my mother bit me, and told everyone I had hit her and broke her glasses. What had really happened was, she had tried to hit me but I held her arms and wouldn’t let her so she bit my arm until I ended up having to push her by her face, off my arm. I was then homeless for a few weeks so my boyfriend (now DH) said we should find a flat to live in together.

Going through the loss of my baby, I realised that I have tried to keep things a secret from her, the baby has had lots of extra tests and has a genetic issue, so my other children have also gone through tests. I’ve tried to say the bare minimum to my mother because she’s very judgey.

Then when we realised that there was no hope for the baby, I have always tried to hide my devastation from her, I won’t cry in front of my mother.

Last week I had a vulnerable moment, she visited me and I told her that there was a Robin who was constantly on my garden fence and it gave me comfort because it made me feel like my father was around me and the baby.

Last Thursday I went into hospital to be induced, before then I had told her that I didn’t want her to clean my house and she was kind enough to look after my children. However on Thursday morning she screamed at me that I was being controlling and she wasn’t going to look after my children. So I said I would ask my MIL, she phoned me incessantly until I gave in and said she could look after my DC.

I have a long history with her cleaning, she accuses me of being dirty, and ‘not up to her standards’. I am always cleaning and even hired cleaners because I got paranoid, and then she found out about them and used to come to my house when they were here and hide my Hoover so they couldn’t use it, and then follow them around telling them the spots they missed. My cleaners ended up quiting. When I go on holiday, my mother usually spends around 4 days in my house cleaning, which sounds amazing but she snoops through everything, moves all my things, and my house always smells of her, and not my family. I have begged her not to do this, but she never ever listens.

Anyway, back to last Friday. I had been in labour for nearly 24 hours at this point. The baby was nearly delivered but my contractions stopped. I don’t know why I did it, but I phoned my mother to say that baby was nearly here. I was hoping for encouragement and nice words of comfort but instead she asked me if she could clean (so waited until I was in a very vulnerable position to ask), then said how she was bored and not able to sit still. Then when I realised I wasn’t going to get any words of comfort I said I was going to go. At this point she said ‘hold on, hold on, I have to tell you something’, and then proceeded to tell me that my neighbours cat had killed the Robin that had been in my garden, and how distraught she was.

I then hung up and cried to my DH, who had the job of trying to comfort me.

I then was able to deliver my sleeping baby, and despite everything I feel like I had a beautiful birth with her. She was so peaceful.

Now my mother is waiting to diagnose me with depression so I am scared to cry in front of her, or speak to her about anything to do with my baby daughter. I am grieving hard for my baby, but I also have realised that I don’t think I can forgive my mother either.

Sorry that my story is long and a bit all over the place.

I am so sorry for your loss and the natural grief process has been taken away from you. I would have DH take over and tell her you need peace and sleep and time to grieve as a family. Block her on your phone - even temporarily until you feel stronger to decide what you want to do. Personally I would be NC. Take care and look after yourself.

I'm so sorry for your awful loss.

At times like this, you need only supportive, loving people around you. Unfortunately your mother is not one of those people. She sounds utterly toxic. She puts her feelings before yours, was physically and emotionally abusive, and is still abusing you to this day. You aren't obliged to spend any time with her, or to confide anything in her. She has shown you time and again that she will only use it against you, and to make herself look and feel better.

So at the very least, stop telling her anything. Take your house key off her so she can't let herself into your home. Don't allow her into your home full stop. Don't confide things in her. If you must talk to her, tell her the bare minimum.

But really, think about cutting contact altogether. She brings only bad into your life, and that may start being the case for your children as well.

What your mother did was appalling!

I agree with pp that you block her for now, but I think you're going to have to come to the realisation that your mother is NOT a good person.

She sounds awful actually. I would also consider NC! I am so sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry about your beautiful little girl.
I would cut contact with your mother. She sounds awful and brings nothing positive to your life.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. My heart goes out to you.

Your mother sounds horrendous. She doesn't add anything to your life, does she? Time to make the break for yourself and your family. The relief you will feel after cutting all ties will be immense. You need to be surrounded by love and support and peace, and while your mother is around, that's not going to happen.

I think you need to block her for now and let your husband manage her until you feel strong enough.

It sounds as though your mother has mental health issues herself...or huge issues with maintaining boundaries. You have to learn to protect yourself and know that she will never change. She was probably the worst person for you to call at the moment so you need to learn more about why you keep going back to her and having an expectation of her suddenly being a comforting and motherly presence. At some point, you need to really understand that she will never change and that is not your fault. You haven't caused her to behave like this...which also means there is nothing you can do to change her. I get it...I have a horrible Mum and have only blamed myself for her behaviours for years. It's very freeing when you finally realise it isn't you and that they're a lost cause.

And apologies, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl xx

Im so sorry for your loss. I What an awful thing to have to go through.

Regarding your mother - You are in the FOG and need to reduce/cut contact. She is not giving you any empathy and never will.

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

I'm so sorry you suffered the loss of your baby girl. And the added worry about your living children. It must be an absolutely awful time for you.

Your mother sounds horrendous. Self indulgent and lacking in sympathy for anyone but herself.

@Whatevershallidowithmylife gives very good advice. Get your DH to take control. Block her while you deal with the immediate grief. Consider going NC for your long term wellbeing.

Send her one message saying "I don't feel like things are positive between us currently and I need space from you for a while, please don't contact me for now, DHs number is ___ for any emergency contact"
Then block her number, and cut contact until (if) you feel it would actually be positive having her in your life.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. The only thing I would add to the above is to ask your DH to arrange to have the locks changed. I'm assuming, given she's regularly in the house when you're not there, that she has her own key. At this point I think you need to feel your house is a safe space away from her, to process your grief.

I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful baby girl, OP. I have been there and i was in a complete fog for a while.
Please reconsider your relationship with your Mum, she sounds truly terrible and the last person you need around you right now. As PPs have said let your DH deal with her (and keep her away from you.)
Next, please get your house keys back from her or change the locks. Her behaviour With your cleaners was awful and completely disrespectful to them and you.
Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry you lost your baby.

I don't think you should deal with your mum right now. I think your husband needs to take over and either speak to her or write to her and tell that she must not contact you unless or until you say so.

She sounds very cruel and I'm so sorry you've had to deal with her as well as the loss of your baby.

Oh sweetheart, this is appalling, I'm so sorry. I feel that you have to cut her off and go no contact, she has abused you enough. I hope that you get the support that you need, it will never ever be from her though. Look after yourself.

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, and for everything you’ve been through.

Your mother’s behaviour is nothing short of wicked and she should be ashamed of herself although I doubt she’d be capable of the self-reflection or accountability required for that.

Right now though, she’s not important. I agree with others that you just need peace and space to grieve and recover in peace. Send the message @PillowRest suggested if you feel she needs any kind of explanation, get your house key back/ change the locks and block her on your phone. Focus on you, your DH and children and healing. Have you been offered any ongoing support or counselling - could you reach out for some if not? What do you feel like would be the most helpful thing for you right now, what do you need? Do that, and forget about your mum for a bit.

I really don’t think she brings anything good to your life and I would definitely be considering no contact going forward - however that’s a huge step that might feel insurmountable right now (or maybe not, it’s fine if the thought of not seeing her again feels like a relief too!) so don’t feel you have to make a decision or deal with any of it right now.

When you’re ready, maybe start looking for some support or resources specifically around dealing with toxic/ abusive parents, boundaries, no contact etc - a therapist with a good understanding of this dynamic would be an excellent choice but there’s books, web pages, forums etc and lots of people with experience here too. It can wait though - don’t overload yourself at the moment:

And for what it’s worth - I don’t believe what she told you about the neighbour’s cat at all and would bet my house that didn’t happen.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And the last thing you need right now is to be dealing with your mother, so I completely agree with what everyone has already written: ask for your key back (but change the locks anyway, because who's to say she hasn't made a copy), tell her to contact DH for any emergencies and either block her number, or at least don't answer/hand phone to DH to deal with. And tell her you need space, both the grieve your baby girl and because she is not adding anything positive to your life right now.

Sorry for your loss. I think you should make sure that your mother doesn't have access to your house when you're not there. Get her key from her under some pretext and don't give it back. Then she can't clean and snoop in your house and you will have your home as a safe space.

Dh needs to be the gatekeeper.. And keep her away. Block her.. Md that means she cants we your dc either.. I fear she will try to guilt you into letting her look after them. She may have given birth to you but she certainly isn't a dm. I am nc with my dm for similar reasons..

Ask her for you housekey back and don't have her in your home when you are not there. She's had too much free reign.
Don't be upset about the actual Robin in a symbolic way as she most likely knew what she was doing and lied about that happening - I doubt she could know that was the case. Her MH clearly isn't right, she has ocd and probably demons she refuses to address herself from he past.
But she's had years to address her issues and hasn't and that is her choice. You can chose not to engage with it.

I just want to add my voice to all the others on here, @LovelyBranches - firstly to say how sorry I am for your loss - I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

I am furious at your mother - her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, and I agree with the previous posters that you should shut her out of your life for the moment (at least) - go no contact, change the locks, and give yourself and your family the time and space to grieve and to heal. As a mum, a MIL and a grandma, I cannot imagine being so insensitive, thoughtless and downright cruel as your mum has been. I wouldn't dream of ignoring my son and my dil if they asked me not to clean in their house - never mind the rest of what she has done.

I wish I could come and give you a massive hug right now.

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

Good advice in this thread, particularly stepping back from your DM now, whilst you are dealing with this, whatever you may decide in the future - you don't have to decide now, but her behaviour is not helping you atm, and letting your DH deal with her.

Also agree with changing the locks. I wouldn't even have the conversation about giving the keys back - she's quite likely to have copies cut and make a massive drama about handing the key back, so don't give her the chance to do that.

You need to feel safe that she can't just walk in when she feels like it.

Your DH sounds very supportive. Gather as many kind people around you as you can and leave the less kind to themselves whilst you process all of this.

I also agree that she completely made up the story about the Robin and this means she can't be trusted to be confided in.

I'm so very sorry for your sad loss.

I can really relate to your relationship with your mother.

You keep expecting her to be the mother you have in your mind, the mother you desperately need, but that woman doesn't exist and you are living in a trauma bond, retraumatising yourself over and over again.

A good trauma therapist will help you to see this for yourself and you can protect yourself from this.

Be the mother you deserve, don't rely on someone who clearly isn't capable.

Sending you gentle hugs at this very difficult time.

I am so very sorry you are experiencing such loss. You really need people with empathy around you. She doesn't make the cut.

Hunker down with your little family and put yourself first please. What you have been through is utterly devastating.

Oh God, you poor thing. I'm so sorry about your baby. You need loving, supportive people around you more than ever right now. Your husband sounds lovely and hopefully his mum is supportive, I think the advice to go NC with your mother is spot on.

It might be a little early for this but when you are ready there are a couple of charities out there that help parents in your situation. Depending on where you live, SANDS or 4Louis are a couple of them (the last one was local to us and they were incredibly supportive of a close relative).

Sending you sincere compassion.

I am so sorry. What a dreadful time you have been through, and no doubt are still going through.

I can hardly believe your mother's behaviour. That is disgraceful from her. I don't often say this, but I would be seriously considering going no contact with her because she is so disrespectful and upsets you so much.

Why does she have keys to your house? It doesn't sound as though she adds anything useful there - she snoops and has been actively obstructive towards cleaners you had employed. Change the locks and do not give her a key. Block her on every social media or messaging service you have.

I'm so sorry again. At such a time you would hope that your own mother would be one of the main people there for you to rely on. Its very sad when that doesn't happen.