On Friday, my baby was born sleeping at 18 weeks. This is a really difficult time for me and I almost feel guilty about even thinking about my mother at this time but I feel like she did something which has been the last straw.
My mother has always been quite a difficult woman, she’s argumentative, has a very quick temper, is obsessed with cleaning and although she has been very generous with me and I know she does love me, she tries to buy love. She is drawn like a moth to a flame to a crisis and she likes to feel needed.
When I was a child she used to hit me a lot, although she’s never hit my children.When I was 23 we lost my father (her husband) and she told everyone that I ‘stole’ her grief and I wouldn’t let her grieve when I remember it as the absolute opposite.
I moved out of the house at the same age because my mother bit me, and told everyone I had hit her and broke her glasses. What had really happened was, she had tried to hit me but I held her arms and wouldn’t let her so she bit my arm until I ended up having to push her by her face, off my arm. I was then homeless for a few weeks so my boyfriend (now DH) said we should find a flat to live in together.
Going through the loss of my baby, I realised that I have tried to keep things a secret from her, the baby has had lots of extra tests and has a genetic issue, so my other children have also gone through tests. I’ve tried to say the bare minimum to my mother because she’s very judgey.
Then when we realised that there was no hope for the baby, I have always tried to hide my devastation from her, I won’t cry in front of my mother.
Last week I had a vulnerable moment, she visited me and I told her that there was a Robin who was constantly on my garden fence and it gave me comfort because it made me feel like my father was around me and the baby.
Last Thursday I went into hospital to be induced, before then I had told her that I didn’t want her to clean my house and she was kind enough to look after my children. However on Thursday morning she screamed at me that I was being controlling and she wasn’t going to look after my children. So I said I would ask my MIL, she phoned me incessantly until I gave in and said she could look after my DC.
I have a long history with her cleaning, she accuses me of being dirty, and ‘not up to her standards’. I am always cleaning and even hired cleaners because I got paranoid, and then she found out about them and used to come to my house when they were here and hide my Hoover so they couldn’t use it, and then follow them around telling them the spots they missed. My cleaners ended up quiting. When I go on holiday, my mother usually spends around 4 days in my house cleaning, which sounds amazing but she snoops through everything, moves all my things, and my house always smells of her, and not my family. I have begged her not to do this, but she never ever listens.
Anyway, back to last Friday. I had been in labour for nearly 24 hours at this point. The baby was nearly delivered but my contractions stopped. I don’t know why I did it, but I phoned my mother to say that baby was nearly here. I was hoping for encouragement and nice words of comfort but instead she asked me if she could clean (so waited until I was in a very vulnerable position to ask), then said how she was bored and not able to sit still. Then when I realised I wasn’t going to get any words of comfort I said I was going to go. At this point she said ‘hold on, hold on, I have to tell you something’, and then proceeded to tell me that my neighbours cat had killed the Robin that had been in my garden, and how distraught she was.
I then hung up and cried to my DH, who had the job of trying to comfort me.
I then was able to deliver my sleeping baby, and despite everything I feel like I had a beautiful birth with her. She was so peaceful.
Now my mother is waiting to diagnose me with depression so I am scared to cry in front of her, or speak to her about anything to do with my baby daughter. I am grieving hard for my baby, but I also have realised that I don’t think I can forgive my mother either.
Sorry that my story is long and a bit all over the place.