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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this infidelity and what would you do?

67 replies

Sara191 · 22/01/2024 11:57

DH and I have been married 5 years and have 2 DC aged 2 and 4. Things have been bad recently where I don’t feel respected and he has an anger problem . We were starting marriage counselling. He said he was going to work on himself and find a counsellor for himself as well which I was surprised to hear but pleased . He said he had one session in December and the therapist told him to stop drinking but he didn’t like this therapist and would find another . Now and then I would ask if he had found someone. He would say no or they hadn’t replied. Out of the blue he then says he’d made and appointment on a Tueday . The day comes but he doesn’t say anything in the morning . So I was curious as to who he was seeing and if he was just saying to pacify me. Then I went to work I then logged into his emails . So a thread where he was seeing someone , thought phew ! i then googled her and couldn’t find her , also not on the BACP website . Odd. Look closer at the emails where she tells him to look at faqs on the website - leads me to her website which shows that she is all about trantra massage , that she would be in a body suit , there are sexy photos of her on the website and it’s all about having a ‘ orgasmic experience and sexual awakening. Explicitly.
I then message him , asking if he’s seeing the counsellor today and he replied yes and sends me a website of a male therapist. There are many emails and he had been there once before late last year it transpires. There is an address of a ‘ studio ‘ which is actually a small flat.

I was so shocked and couldn’t concentrate on work. He’d booked a very expensive 2 hour session which was £100s . I ended up going to the place and confronted him after the session he had. I also confronted her and she said that she was all about ‘ healing energy. He was trying to stop me from even going in to speak to her. She was scantily dressed.
What would you do? He’s telling me that nothing happened , but he knows he’s in the wrong. He’s saying he didn’t realise.

OP posts:
OldCutDiamond · 22/01/2024 12:02

I would divorce him

KnittingKnewbie · 22/01/2024 12:04

So he told you he was going to see a counselor and instead he saw a prostitute?

DrNo007 · 22/01/2024 12:04

Sorry OP but I don’t think there is any coming back from that. It is calculated deception as well as infidelity.

Muffin777 · 22/01/2024 12:07

I love that this is a man’s definition of ‘therapy’. Woefully predictable.

yes it is infidelity. And what an insult to your intelligence to try and say he had no idea.

DrunkenElephant · 22/01/2024 12:09

So instead of spending hundred of pounds on an actual therapist to work on his issues for the good of the family, he blew money on essentially a prostitute?

Yes it’s infidelity and yes you need to leave. The man is a scumbag, and a liar to boot.

Deathbyathousandcats · 22/01/2024 12:11

Oh come on, you know the answer to this surely.
ged rid.

Illpickthatup · 22/01/2024 12:12

If he didn't think he was doing anything wrong, why lie about it?

It's bad enough that he's gone to a sex worker (however she describes herself). But he's also lied to you, made you believe that he cares about fixing the marriage and his anger issues when he clearly as no intentions of doing so. He ditched a therapist because they told him to stop drinking? That should have been the first red flag that he didn't care about resolving his issues. Alcohol is more important to him than his marriage.

I'd start making plans to leave him if I were you.

C00k · 22/01/2024 12:16

What does his 'anger problem' do to you and your kids?
Get the divorce started, the man is trash.

martha4clark · 22/01/2024 12:27

Yes it is infidelity, plus he has outright lied to you when he sent you the link to the male therapist. He doesn't seem interested in saving his marriage at all. Why should you waste any more time and energy on him. I could never forgive my DH if he did something like this. You and your children deserve so much more.

owloak · 22/01/2024 12:33

Wow. I'm actually shocked. 100% divorce. The deceit is awful.

peachgreen · 22/01/2024 12:40

That's not a therapist, that's a sex worker.

MILTOBE · 22/01/2024 12:53

Well you have clearly caught him out now - there's nothing he can say in his defence.

Be practical - what's your housing and financial situation like?

therealcookiemonster · 22/01/2024 12:55

bin!

justanotherusername22 · 22/01/2024 12:58

Sort of thing a man on a tv drama would do........I didn't expect this level of audacity in real life!

Walker1178 · 22/01/2024 13:21

In reality if you can’t be honest with your partner about where you are and who you’re seeing it’s probably because you know they won’t be happy with the answer. It’s up to you to decide where your boundaries are but for me this would be too far.

unsurebut · 22/01/2024 13:32

Yup, I'm another one who would be divorcing. Despicable behaviour. The lying, the cheating.....how could you ever trust him again?

Snowdogsmitten · 22/01/2024 13:32

I would file for divorce from the lying scum. He is absolutely pathetic and disgusting.

Lampzade · 22/01/2024 13:40

He is grim AF

Shania7788 · 22/01/2024 13:53

Using seeing an imaginary therapist as an excuse to see a sex worker makes him both a cheat and a liar. He drinks and has anger issues. He’s happy to spend hundreds of pounds on what is probably essentially a handjob. Anything else to add to the list? I think you know what we’d do, why would you want to stay with this man?

Would it be financially possible for you to leave him? Is there somewhere you could stay?

daysoff · 22/01/2024 14:44

You’re getting my first ltb

LifeExperience · 22/01/2024 14:46

Yes, of course it's infidelity. He's a liar and a cheat.

Polecat07 · 22/01/2024 14:47

Have you posted about this before? Seems oddly familiar, a thread with a 'sex therapist' or something similar wanking off a feckless husband under the guise of healing...

Blubbled · 22/01/2024 14:50

Of course this is infidelity!
What's worse, is she's nothing only a glorified prostitute, dressing herself up as "therapy" and "spiritual" and your devious, treacherous H has stolen marital funds to buy sex.
In your shoes I would be making an appointment with a solicitor and getting all the information on divorce, my rights and H's finances that I could , as soon as I could. Have you any children? If you have, you need to protect them as well. I think men who buy sex are not acceptable husbands and are also not "good enough" fathers.

beastlyslumber · 22/01/2024 15:02

Polecat07 · 22/01/2024 14:47

Have you posted about this before? Seems oddly familiar, a thread with a 'sex therapist' or something similar wanking off a feckless husband under the guise of healing...

I remember this too...

Sara191 · 22/01/2024 15:03

@Polecat07 no i have not posted before. I would be interested in seeing that thread though. He keeps telling me it was ‘ breath work and that he talked about us ‘ and she helped him meditate. He’s been really apologetic but that is seeming to subside, as he’s starting to act like his usual self again.

OP posts: