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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this infidelity and what would you do?

67 replies

Sara191 · 22/01/2024 11:57

DH and I have been married 5 years and have 2 DC aged 2 and 4. Things have been bad recently where I don’t feel respected and he has an anger problem . We were starting marriage counselling. He said he was going to work on himself and find a counsellor for himself as well which I was surprised to hear but pleased . He said he had one session in December and the therapist told him to stop drinking but he didn’t like this therapist and would find another . Now and then I would ask if he had found someone. He would say no or they hadn’t replied. Out of the blue he then says he’d made and appointment on a Tueday . The day comes but he doesn’t say anything in the morning . So I was curious as to who he was seeing and if he was just saying to pacify me. Then I went to work I then logged into his emails . So a thread where he was seeing someone , thought phew ! i then googled her and couldn’t find her , also not on the BACP website . Odd. Look closer at the emails where she tells him to look at faqs on the website - leads me to her website which shows that she is all about trantra massage , that she would be in a body suit , there are sexy photos of her on the website and it’s all about having a ‘ orgasmic experience and sexual awakening. Explicitly.
I then message him , asking if he’s seeing the counsellor today and he replied yes and sends me a website of a male therapist. There are many emails and he had been there once before late last year it transpires. There is an address of a ‘ studio ‘ which is actually a small flat.

I was so shocked and couldn’t concentrate on work. He’d booked a very expensive 2 hour session which was £100s . I ended up going to the place and confronted him after the session he had. I also confronted her and she said that she was all about ‘ healing energy. He was trying to stop me from even going in to speak to her. She was scantily dressed.
What would you do? He’s telling me that nothing happened , but he knows he’s in the wrong. He’s saying he didn’t realise.

OP posts:
Sara191 · 22/01/2024 19:31

I’ve only told a couple of friends because I am so ashamed of my marriage. I guess bc so much of me really wants to believe him as well but that’s why I posted on here because none of it makes any sense and how easily he can just lie to me , but he got caught

OP posts:
Snowdogsmitten · 22/01/2024 19:33

Sara191 · 22/01/2024 19:31

I’ve only told a couple of friends because I am so ashamed of my marriage. I guess bc so much of me really wants to believe him as well but that’s why I posted on here because none of it makes any sense and how easily he can just lie to me , but he got caught

Don’t let him sway you. He bought sex by another name. You caught them. It is disgusting. It is cheating.

Bangerwheel · 22/01/2024 19:46

Gross. Get rid. Please.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 22/01/2024 20:12

I wouldn't say that tantra massages are the same as buying sex or going to a prostitute. They are quite an effective way of treating things like ED and other sexual issues. It doesn't sound like that was his main issue though and not why he would go to therapy.

He definitely lied and betrayed you but there is no definite way of knowing that he cheated unless he tells you he did. Tantra massages shouldn't include sex or sexual favours it the person doing it is serious about it but there are cowboys in most professions so who knows really.

Either way, I wouldn't be able to trust someone like that again so for me it would be over anyway as without trust there is no relationship.

coldcallerbaiter · 22/01/2024 20:20

You should have shown up as he was going in, not coming out. And demanded a refund…

bet he thought he was clever….

Sceptical123 · 22/01/2024 20:23

I just found a Tantra massage website. From her outfit I can see why ppl would assume she’s a sex worker. This one is £400 for 2hr session. The focus is sexual energy etc. no mention of anger management that I can see. His motives were utterly selfish OP. If he’d come across this ‘alternative’ therapy in good faith or been recommended it by someone in the same boat he should have been honest and put it to to you before going. He was being sly and sleazy booking such a blatantly dodgy not to mention expensive session. It was almost like it was done as an ‘eff you’ to you for making him go to therapy in the first place. What a thoroughly unpleasant, devious and seedy character.

Sceptical123 · 22/01/2024 20:28

The ‘above board’ label would be more plausible if she was wearing a medical type uniform of trousers and tunic tbh like most legitimate masseurs. How anyone can justify this as non sex work I’m at a loss

Sara191 · 22/01/2024 20:58

Thanks @Sceptical123 I think that’s what he is saying, that he didn’t look at the website properly etc - , and that it was not sexual at all etc. expect the website talks about ‘ sexual energy and having an organismic experience.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 22/01/2024 21:05

I’m so sorry OP, you must be feeling absolutely dreadful. I’m so angry on your behalf, as you can probably tell!

If it’s similar to the one I have found then it’s pretty obvious what the services are aimed at, like you say, and I’d you confronted him afterwards, (which was a seriously brave thing to do, considering) the fact he exited only after the 2hrs were up suggests that even if it was completely NOT what he was expecting, he didn’t race out the door in a panic/moral outrage the moment the penny dropped. He is so going to regret getting this ultimately cheap thrill. This woman has given him an erotic ‘massage’ but she has cost him his future happiness. Stupid, stupid man.

Sceptical123 · 22/01/2024 21:07

‘If’ not ‘I’d’* sorry

ChangeAgain2 · 22/01/2024 21:10

Sara191 · 22/01/2024 20:58

Thanks @Sceptical123 I think that’s what he is saying, that he didn’t look at the website properly etc - , and that it was not sexual at all etc. expect the website talks about ‘ sexual energy and having an organismic experience.

Whatever the weather. It still wasn't the male therapist that he led you to believe that he was seeing. He can try to blow smoke up your arse as much as he wants but someone who unknowingly makes an error doesn't lie about it before it's happened.

Sceptical123 · 22/01/2024 21:11

(The massive boobs in lacy underwear shot was a bit of a giveaway on this particular site 🙄)

Strangermanger · 22/01/2024 21:13

You do realise she’s not actually pretending to be a therapist in any way? Calling it that just makes it legal to advertise. She’s a prostitute and he had sex with her. He didn’t mediate and do breath work. Find your anger at someone treating you like an idiot and a fool.

Bookworm20 · 23/01/2024 11:02

He didn't look at the website properly? But decided the 'therapy' was worth spending hundreds of pounds on for a session, from a mere glimpse at the website?
I mean if you were spending hundreds on a therapy session, you'd bloody well
look at what it entails surely?
Not just a, heres a random therapy website, oh its a alot of money, oh well i'll just pay it and see how it goes.
Does he really think you were born yesterday?

And does googling 'therapy' bring this up to the top of his search list? I very much doubt that. He sought it out and 100% knew what it bloody well was.

Take a look at his search history, and you'll soon see how he 'accidently' stumbled upon and selected the one therapy site that involved a sex worker.
How absolutely unfortunate the poor lamb.

And I would also guess that when booked the 'therapist' would have absolutely ensured he knew what the session was about.

perfectcolourfound · 23/01/2024 11:35

Of course it's cheating!

If he thought it was all OK - why did he lie to you about who he was seeing?

quisensoucie · 23/01/2024 12:11

Unless you are married to Sting, I think you are being lied to.
Sorry, not going to advise benefit of doubt, he knew

MadeForThis · 23/01/2024 13:27

Why did he send you the link to a male therapist if he had nothing to hide?

He paid for a sexual experience. I wouldn't stay with him after that.

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