Looking for help to fix this

[Plantmother71]

First time posting here - sorry it’s a little long but I really need advice: have been with DP nearly 18 years. Not married. Two DDs, 15 and 16. DP has a good job - I haven’t worked since having first DD (which was a year after we got together). Sex hasn’t been great for a long time now. Occasionally we go away together and things happen then, but only if I initiate, and it feels awkward. We have little in common apart from our children and I’m worried it will fall apart when they leave for uni, and I do want to make things right. It’s like I’m not in a relationship anymore. A few years ago I thought he was having an affair, and it seemed to last for years. I know I shut down. He was very depressed in 2022 - I think she called it off - and I felt such relief that I booked us a weekend away to Paris to try and put things right and start again. He won’t talk about it and just goes silent. But I really want things to work. He was very depressed last year as he’s normally very sporty and he damaged his foot and was immobile for some time.

I want to get the spark back again. I want to make it work. I’m 52 and have no way to cope financially if he leaves. And I don’t want to feel so alone in my relationship either. What can I do to make things right again? He doesn’t really talk about anything but the kids with me. I still have love for him - and he’s a very good dad (and a good provider, we’ve a good standard of living so I can’t complain about anything, he always makes sure I need for nothing).

Can anyone help - what do I do to make this a good relationship again?

Unfortunately there's not much that you can do unless he's willing to put some effort in - it sounds like he's emotionally checked out.

You could suggest couples therapy and see if he'll give that a go, but it will only work if he's open and honest and willing to work on what the therapist advises.

In the meantime, in your position I'd definitely be looking into gaining some level of financial independence as you won't want to be left in the lurch if he does decide to pack in the relationship.

It's a horrible situation that you're in and I'm wishing you all the best - it sounds like you've been extremely accommodating and patient with him and put a lot of effort in and not got much in return

If he left or died you would be in trouble. As pp says, you need to sort that out. Nothing is certain.
And you can try all you like to make it a good relationship, but he needs to do his bit too, and it sounds like he doesn’t want to.

You need to talk to each other. Particularly about whether you’re on the same page with where your relationship is: honestly, it sounds as though he thinks you’re both happy with the unspoken status quo of having largely separate lives: he provides well financially and in return you turn a blind eye to his affairs. Booking the odd weekend away and expecting it to solve anything whilst apparently ignoring the elephant in the room that he’s probably been seeing another woman for years is futile.

And yes, you need to start focusing on your own independence - in case you end up separating and for your own self-respect.

Thank you. I know I need to do something but I feel too old to go back to work - I had a job that I loved but when I became pregnant he asked me to leave and said he would always look after me. It’s actually where we met. He’s had several promotions and holds a really senior position now, so he’s often busy with work too.

i don’t think he’s having an affair at the moment - he’s at home a lot more and spends more time with me and the girls. I just wish I could wave a wand or go back in time and change how things were. He was happy enough when our love life was pencilled into his diary (yes we did that - it was the only chance for to guarantee one with him). He seemed satisfied. He’s never been one to talk very openly despite me trying. I was married before him to a man who slept around whilst I was pregnant (one of my older daughters has a half sister a few months younger than her). I just feel quite sad about it all. All I seem to do is decorate and clean.

I just wish I felt better about life generally. I live for my children but I’m worried about what the next few years hold.

You need to get a job - any job - and start working out what your life looks when you’re living it for yourself

You need to begin forging your own life.

Begin training for work, start new friendships, gain some independence.

To tolerate a long term affair screams of low self esteem.

This man isn't even giving you the bare minimum emotionally, you're relying on him for absolutely everything and it's dangerous.

Time to start bettering your own circumstances independently, this will improve your self worth and help you see that you deserve a better life.

Thank you. I do feel my self esteem has been low for quite some time. I’ll try - I do tuck money aside and have a savings account that he doesn’t know about. Just in case I need it. I’m 52 and I need to have a think about what I can do for a job. I’ve always just enjoyed being a mum, and I know I’ve been lucky to not have to work.

Have you ever tried initiating a conversation in the bluntest terms? “This isn’t a relationship. We don’t talk, we don’t have sex, we don’t do anything together. Clearly neither of us are happy. Should we call it a day?” I think his immediate response to that would be very telling. Because he can’t be any happier with this half a life than you are, and I don’t think it’s beyond speculation that perhaps he’s just quietly biding his time until your DC are adults and off to university / leaving home and will be less affected by you separating, before he breaks it to you that that’s what he wants.

If he did tell you that he wanted to separate, how would you feel? What would you be most fearful of and upset about? Would you be most upset at the actual loss of him as a person, a partner and your relationship? Or would you be upset because this is all you’ve known for the better part of two decades and you rely on him for everything? Sometimes “making things right” doesn’t mean fighting for a relationship which has run its course.

I have thought about us separating. I know he would still provide for me - because of his job he’s conscious not to attract negativity and I’m sure he would provide a generous monthly payment in case I don’t want to work again. I don’t want to appear a failure to everyone - I was his secretary when we met and it was a good job. We weren’t together for very long before I fell pregnant. I really wanted it to be a happy lasting relationship. I just feel like a big failure in life but I’d do the same again as our two daughters are wonderful.

He asked me once if I’d be happier without him. I replied I didn’t know but what I wanted to say was I’d have been happier if he wasn’t seeing someone else. And (I’m ashamed to admit it) my adult daughter heard me when I was asking him questions and told her sisters so now they all spot check his phone under the pretence of using it to check the internet or take photos. I think that’s possibly why he broke it off with that other woman.

I’ve made such a mess of everything. I want he and I to be happy together, not to feel lonely together. We had such a good time in Paris when we went for his fiftieth. I want it to be like that all the time. But I know that’s a silly idea.

He won’t consider therapy - he’s paranoid they will diagnose him with a personality disorder.

I mean this gently I don’t you have been lucky not to work, it’s left you incredibly vulnerable and now at huge risk.

you need to start to look for work, you’re still young enough, because if he leaves in a few years when the kids go, it’s going to be so much more difficult .

also can you get something else going on, sports, volunteering, something other than decorating or cleaning, or the kids. Part of attraction is a meeting of the minds.

i know he would still provide for me - because of his job he’s conscious not to attract negativity and I’m sure he would provide a generous monthly payment in case I don’t want to work again

oh Op. No he won’t, not once he meets someone else and the kids are off to uni. No one does this and he will move on .

52 is still young!

Go get a part time job! It'll bring you self esteem, he might respect you more, as might your daughters!

It sounds grim; I'd make a major change. And maybe book some more weekends away.

Good luck.

I agree with an earlier PP.
You should feel anything but "lucky" : unmarried, no job, completely dependent.
You are on quicksand.
He might leave you high and dry once your children become adults.

I agree, if all the op does is clean and decorate there is a chance her conversation is limited, that’s why they only talk about the kids.

he may well have more respect if she does something, work, volunteer. Something interesting she can converse about.

op, your focus seems to be on money, and not working, it does seem possible he is aware of this, and yes he maybe biding his time. Sex isn’t going to fix it. Attraction is more than that in a relationship.

im sure he would see you housed, but it’s foolish to think he will provide generously for the rest of your days, it’s highly likely he will meet someone else and move on. He won’t continue to support you in this scenario and it’s doubtful he would get any negativity for it either. I mean what will you do, go to his work, stand at the door and tell everyone that you split up and he won’t keep paying for you?

Use that energy you're currently spending worrying about your relationship to get yourself into a more secure financial position. Get advice in real life on how best to do this.

It's nice that you feel you've been lucky up to now financially, I personally think you're a bit stuffed if he decides it's over because he's met someone else, which doesn't sound entirely out of the question. I know you think he will provide you with a generous monthly allowance until you pop your clogs if he does leave you at some point, but this isn't likely to happen in real life, especially if his income is being shared with a new partner.

I'd seek legal advice on how best to position yourself to guard yourself against a total financial shafting should you split, and tell him that you've done so because you feel financially vulnerable becase you're not married and haven't worked for years. If he's got your best interests at heart like you think he has he will support you, and want to rejig your finances legally in order to put you on an equal footing.

OP you are not too old to work. Many of us on here are older than you and work.

If you had a job maybe you would find more to talk about. Start volunteering maybe? Take a course if you want to build some skills. Could you work at a school if you enjoy being around children?

Did you ever address the affair properly? You sound so passive about it.

If he meets someone else once your children have left he will not be providing you with a generous monthly income. That’s ridiculous. And any new partner would put and end to it even if he tried.

I hope you find something that interests you and builds your confidence so you can become more independent 💐

Thank you. I do appreciate the honesty from you all. I need to look at what skills I have, I’m just struggling at the moment. I never thought I’d be in this position. I can’t do what I used to because I have a health condition now which affects my hearing. So I can’t type up dictation.

I guess I am passive about the affair now, but I wasn’t at the time. It’s the last time I felt passionate about anything (and that was mostly anger). It frustrated me - he wouldn’t talk about it at all, he just completely shut down and went silent. He didn’t leave and I guess I just thought I was safe because if he didn’t go then he’d never leave.

I just don’t want life to go on like this. I need something more, and I need something for myself. I’m going to start with small steps and do something.

I’m sorry, you sound quite down.

Look at the adult courses at your local college that can help you gain skills.
you could also try the national careers service website https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/
They also have a phone number and a chat function.

Volunteering can help you get into paid work.

You will find something OP. Bringing up a family means you have gained all sorts of skills you don’t even realise. Prioritising, organising, budgeting, planning etc.

Would he go to counselling to work on the issues you have?
💐

“I mean this gently I don’t you have been lucky not to work, it’s left you incredibly vulnerable and now at huge risk.

you need to start to look for work, you’re still young enough, because if he leaves in a few years when the kids go, it’s going to be so much more difficult .

also can you get something else going on, sports, volunteering, something other than decorating or cleaning, or the kids. Part of attraction is a meeting of the minds.”

This with bells on.

Firstly, I'm sorry that you have been going through this and I hope you are ok?

Above all I want to reiterate what a friend told me when I separated from my ex-husband: "You are 45, not 85. You have another half of your life in front of you. Make it count"

That comment has stayed with me and as daft as my friend is, she is right. You are 52, but you are not 82. You have a life ahead of you. Make it count. Together with your husband or on your own.

I don't claim to be an oracle on relationships by any means. So I can only share my experience with you. I do believe that relationships can repair after complacency, but not after resentment. My ex cheated on me too and in the end - I didn't care about those indiscretions because subconsciously I was done. I was already out. What I DID care about was his lack of interest in our family and our life that we had built together and I became RESENTFUL of that. And there was no way back for us after that.

Back to you - you want to get that spark back? What is your husband into? Is he sexual? or sporty (as you have mentioned). A shared interest as simple as going for a walk in a beauty spot can do wonders for the soul. Dance lessons? Or cookery courses? If you think that your sex life needs a boost - then look into lingerie or toys?! Just NEVER say NEVER. (I never thought I would buy sex toys or naughty undies when I was with my ex-husband, but that was because of how I felt about HIM. I have a new partner now and my god(!) sometimes I don't recognise myself!!)

OR gaining a bit of independence might be what you need and dare I say it, might spark a renewed interest from your husband? If he supports your financially and you are happy to stay - then take up a new hobby? Or use his financial support to learn a new skill?

I hope some of this help and please don't be shy to reach out if you want to chat? As I said, I'm no expert and can always use advice myself! but I'm always happy to chat. We have to have each others backs in this!! xx

But you know that is Illogical right, not leaving when the kids are at home or younger, is a very different thing to Im two or three years when they are at uni. And it’s just the two of you rattling round at home.

the marriage is clearly over, he’s unlikely to stay living like this for ever, and it does appear you only want to fix this and stay like this for the money and so you don’t need to work. He will be aware of this. It won’t be something attractive to him, being with someone who is workshy when he’s a grafter and who only is with him for his money and the lifestyle.

your hearing is not relevant, dictation isn’t a thing much any more. It certainly isn’t a reason to not get back in the workplace.

at least volunteer to get yourself doing something different now. Your kids are grown, go work in a charity shop, a pet shelter, a food bank, as a first step .

there is a chance he will respect you a little more if you do something independent. I don’t think it will save your relationship, that’s over, but at least it also helps you get into the workplace.

its astonishing you think this man will pay for you for the rest of your days. And honestly quite distasteful. He isn’t a meal ticket and you are perfectly capable of working.

My mother was a stay at home mother from when my older brother was born… right up until my father left her for another woman, 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

She also thought/assumed that he would financially support her for the rest of her life - he stopped paying the mortgage/bills the moment he left. Ultimately the family home was sold and my mother was left with just enough of the equity to be able to get a tiny rented flat. For the last 30 years she’s been living in a housing association flat on disability benefits.

You really need to get back into any sort of work as soon as possible.

Wanted to add that the other woman my father left for, he met at work. She was a single parent to two girls who had always worked.

Of course you're not too old to get a job.
You'll have to work til 67.
Has he paid into a pension for you ?
I'd be really worried in case he left.
Are you on the house deeds ?
You're crazy to rely on him 'looking after you '.

I know you feel that you're too old to go back to work, and that maybe it's not a particularly appealing choice, but I don't feel you have much choice given your situation. I don't think you can hope to spice up your sex life in the hope that will have any bearing on your financial situation. See a solicitor.