Looking for help to fix this

[Plantmother71]

First time posting here - sorry it’s a little long but I really need advice: have been with DP nearly 18 years. Not married. Two DDs, 15 and 16. DP has a good job - I haven’t worked since having first DD (which was a year after we got together). Sex hasn’t been great for a long time now. Occasionally we go away together and things happen then, but only if I initiate, and it feels awkward. We have little in common apart from our children and I’m worried it will fall apart when they leave for uni, and I do want to make things right. It’s like I’m not in a relationship anymore. A few years ago I thought he was having an affair, and it seemed to last for years. I know I shut down. He was very depressed in 2022 - I think she called it off - and I felt such relief that I booked us a weekend away to Paris to try and put things right and start again. He won’t talk about it and just goes silent. But I really want things to work. He was very depressed last year as he’s normally very sporty and he damaged his foot and was immobile for some time.

I want to get the spark back again. I want to make it work. I’m 52 and have no way to cope financially if he leaves. And I don’t want to feel so alone in my relationship either. What can I do to make things right again? He doesn’t really talk about anything but the kids with me. I still have love for him - and he’s a very good dad (and a good provider, we’ve a good standard of living so I can’t complain about anything, he always makes sure I need for nothing).

Can anyone help - what do I do to make this a good relationship again?

I think that Gottmans books are the best relationship books out there. I also believe if you make changes by yourself (without his input) you may change the dynamics of your relationship.

But I think you need to reconnect with yourself and decide what you want from life.

Why don’t you want a job? If you won the lottery would you stay with your husband or run from him? Why do you want him (because you can’t cope financially or because you can’t imagine life without him).

Do you know who you are? What are your interests and passions etc?

Sometimes you need to be okay to lose your marriage to save it. Does he know you aren’t ever going to leave?

Connection is so important. My understanding is that not talking and avoiding conflict creates an illusion of safety but harms connection.

" We had such a good time in Paris when we went for his fiftieth. I want it to be like that all the time."

Sorry to be blunt but that's literally one week / weekend you've picked out of 18 years. You need to look at life day to day, not a holiday. Holidays are always rose-tinted because you don't have kids / family / work / cleaning / all other mundane crap to worry about.

" I just feel quite sad about it all. All I seem to do is decorate and clean. I just wish I felt better about life generally"

This was upsetting to read. You're 52 - you have a whole life ahead of you yet! Your DC are almost ready to be independent / leave home so now is the time to decided what you want from life.

You might actually feel a bit better if you have a job, even if it is just part time in a cafe or a shop?! It sounds like your life has revolved around your husband and kids for almost 20 years now...

FWIW, we have just hired 2 new members of staff in our offices (admin roles) and both are over 50. We prefer staff to be a bit older as they generally have a better work ethic and are less trouble!

I’ll take all of your advice on board. It’s a joint mortgage and we have a lot of equity thanks to my tinkering with the house. My savings fund is decent. He does pay into a pension for me - and he will get a very good pension when he retires so I will see a solicitor and see what I’m entitled to. Maybe I’ll see what his intentions are too - I could bring up the subject of marriage, and get some part time work now my daughters are older (though I still do the school run as we don’t live near a school bus route). You’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thank you 🙏🏻

I thought we’d always just be together. A few years ago I’d have preferred just splitting up and coping, and maybe finding someone I’m more compatible with. If I won the lottery I’d stay in the house and tell him to leave. Slim chance of that though! My passions are decorating and house related things - I like it. Makes me sound like a hermit but I do feel good with my kids around me. My two adult daughters aren’t looking to leave anytime soon either and he’s a good dad to them. I would just feel like a failure.

Sadly he prob has no respect for you allowing him to carry the financial burden of raising your family alone.
With a touch of resentment..
Ime

Thing is I only stepped out of work when I did because he told me to. That was his idea as he didn’t want anyone but me raising our children - he didn’t even want them being babysat by family members which is why we never went out much, and never really had much time away by ourselves when they were younger. He’s said he still finds me attractive, it’s just like pulling teeth as he’s not really into affection. Maybe he just doesn’t love me anymore?

Could you maybe look for part-time work in the area that interests you - either painting and decorating, or working in a homewares/DIY shop maybe?

Well he certainly doesn't see you as an equal does he? Presumably your dc have been at school over a decade? You expect a judge to order he keeps you indefinitely?

Wow 'because he told me to'. Eeek!

Lady, I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you need to get with 2024! And pick back up your career, your earning, your self esteem, your respect.

He sounds like a total prick for having an affair but as pp said, you sound like this barely bothered you! Erm...! But then, you couldn't exactly kick him to the curb because you aren't empowered!

Get some empowerment!!!!! Get earning, her working, get socialising with new friends, and come back and tell us all about how great it is.

I wish you welll, I genuinely do, but you're out of touch on a variety of areas. I think you almost need to think in a way that you would if he had actually left you to give you the jolt you need.

Well you were his secretary so to be honest I can see why he’d wish that to end and fast. But you’re a grown woman, and are you really trying ti tell us you desperately wished to find another job, to work, but he made you stay home and care for the kids? That it wasn’t something you wanted, that really you only did it as he told you to?

im not buying it,

and I am sorry, but you’re not married, you have no entitlement to what he owns. You do need to take responsibility for your life choices.

Your two adult daughters, you said in your op you had two daughters, and were wirrried about being alone when they left , where have the two adult daughters not looking to leave come from?

in the op they were 15 and 16, are you now saying you’ve 4?

Why didn't he marry you 17 years ago if he wanted you at home and workless? Shame on him

Well hang on, she’s not a piece of meat, she had a choice, I’m fairly sure she agreed to it,

Yes of course she bears a lot of responsibility but he made promises and he's reneging on them. Man wants cake and eat it shocker

OP indicates she was married previously and has other adult children from that marriage as well as the teenage children with her current DP.

So it is a joint mortgage, but is the house in joint names and are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

Have you both made wills?

Are you named as beneficiary on his life insurance or other policies?

If you’re not married you won’t be entitled to any of his pension

tbh if I were you I’d be pushing for marriage to protect your interests - anticipated a divorce or at least separation down the line….

Yes - sorry I thought I’d mentioned both myself and partner have been married, a long time ago, to other spouses. I had two dd from my first marriage. First husband was a cheater - my second daughter has a half sister a few months younger than her that I found out about when she was two. That was when I left and divorced my first H.

Joint tenants and I am named on the life policy and I have one for him too (so we have funds to care for children and pay off mortgage if something happens to either of us). Mirror wills.

We did talk about marriage when our first daughter together was born but I was worried it would upset my older daughters who were five and nine at the time. He’s not brought it up again though I have mentioned it. You’re right - I would be a little more protected then. But I realise I’ve made huge errors and should be looking to get into working so that’s what I’m going to focus on now. Thank you for everyone’s support, you’ve all been helpful.

I can see why its hard to leave or even have to conversation, this has been your whole adult life and you are utterly dependent on him financially. I also don't see the point in people berating the OP for not working, whats she supposed to do, go back in time ?

As you clearly don't want to leave I suggest trying to at least improve your relationship. More sex, weekends away, dinners out. Just plan and organize stuff and let him know.
The problem is if you don't when the kids go off to uni he will be gone, maybe for someone else, maybe not but hes shown by having an affair that that part of him is still alive and kicking.

Not sure about this really. I mean it’s not been her whole adult life, she was married before and had two kids.

and I don’t think she can just demand sex or book stuff without consulting, he has a say in what he does, if my husband did that I’d get pissed off eventually , it wouldn’t make me want to be with him more, it would make me want to tell him to fuck off.

Kindly, it doesn't matter what you want for your relationship when he doesn't want the same. You can't make him love you. You can't make him want you. You can't make him stay with you. You can't make him want to improve your relationship. It is clear he has zero interest in improving things. So you are in a very vulnerable position - this is what you need to be working on. Plan your future as if it will be without him. Figure out what you need to be ok on your own. Build a life that focuses on you. Don't let it come as a surprise if/when he leaves.

Why don’t you get a full time job? I think you urgently need to build your financial independence and don’t have the luxury of part time work. The relationship seems like it is over and I would predict it will not survive long after the younger two turn 18.

Agree, in addition, having a life outside the home, a little independence might cause him to respect her more.

I think the accepting of the affair and saying she’d rather he wasn’t seeing someone else to him, indicates how over this marriage is, it simply spells out it is now about lifestyle and money to her. And not many folks will like that or respect it.

as it appears he’s no longer having an affair, or is hiding it better, as the kids know, then it seems logical he will end this relationship with the op, and then enter (or continue ) a relationship where he isn’t seen to be doing something wrong, as he will then be single.

i feel sorry for the op. She’s got ghe lifestyle she clearly wants, still classes herself as lucky not to have had to work, which says something about her desire to work, and it is all a house of cards likely to fall down, as the relationship is effectively over, and she’s now at the stage of hoping her older kids stay longer so she can keep her lifestyle, rather than enable them to flee the nest.