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Original poster

Woman partner slept with 4 years ago wants paternal DNA test

60 replies

Harvestmooon · 21/01/2024 15:29

My partner (23M) of 8 months used to have drunk sex with a woman (23F) around 4 years ago, she was also sleeping with 2 other guys at the same time. Around this time she became pregnant and then got into a relationship with one of the guys she was sleeping with, he has been raising the child as his own ever since. Although she would tell my partner there was a chance the child could be his, he did ask for a DNA test at the time but she refused.

Now 4 years later, herself and her partner have split up and now she suddenly wants a DNA test with my partner to find out if he is really the dad. I am so upset about this as we have been happy and I feel it's so unfair she is doing this now because she single and he's in a happy relationship, as she used to really like him but he wasn't interested in having a relationship with her. I am scared if he is the father that it will change everything. He wants to to do the test as he said he doesn't think the child is his and wants to get her to leave him alone.

I really don't know what to do, should I stick by him? Please could I have some advice?

OP posts:

Viewfrommyhouse · 21/01/2024 15:32

The DNA test is the only way to sort this out one way or another. No point in worrying about it until he knows if he's the father or not. The child deserves to know.

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2024 15:33

It was before you were a couple and a child deserves to know who their biological father is.

HappyHamsters · 21/01/2024 15:33

You've only known him 8 months, has he thought about what he will do if he is the dad, will he want to be involved and contribute.

EmailAddress · 21/01/2024 15:34

It’s a bit strange you asking if you should stick by him?
Nothing has changed at the moment and him wanting to know is natural and an okay thing to do. Not sure why you are thinking about leaving him because he’s considering it.
She’s probably had her ex tested and he’s not the dad so won’t pay child support so she’s going through the other two possibilities to get financial support. It isn’t fair though that she declined him a DNA test earlier and unfair in the child to ah e been brought up by one dad who’s left.

Let him do the test and go from there. If he will leave you if an ex comes back then you have different relationship worries, but he sounds decent atm.

CatamaranViper · 21/01/2024 15:34

TBF the right thing to do would be to do the test. If there is a chance the child is his, he will need to step up and pay child support at the least.
Would he want a relationship with the child?

If he does, you need to ensure you aren't a barrier to that. It may mean the end of your relationship, but the childs needs come first.

PossumintheHouse · 21/01/2024 15:35

I’m pretty surprised he didn’t insist on a DNA test at the time. That’s three or four years he’s missed on in raising his potential child.

Sorry OP, but it isn’t unfair that she’s asking, and you can’t rationalise that, because he is ‘happy’, she can’t pursue this. He should have ensured she would ‘leave him alone’ years ago. The poor kid deserves to know who its father is, and your partner should possibly be paying child maintenance right now.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/01/2024 15:35

This is not about you op. It’s about him and this child. The child deserves to know who the father is, and your bf needs to step up if he is the father. The mother is a disgrace for waiting this long if she knew there was doubt over paternity frankly!

NewYear24 · 21/01/2024 15:36

The test is a good idea.

RaininSummer · 21/01/2024 15:38

He isn't covered on glory here as he should have insisted at the time so could be part of his child's life if his.

SamW98 · 21/01/2024 15:39

Another one here who thinks the test is necessary and the child has 💯 right to know who their father is.

This isn’t about you and your relationship, it’s about an innocent child and doing the right thing

bluebird3 · 21/01/2024 15:39

He needs to do the test and find out. If he's not the father it changes nothing and you can go on. If he is the father then his life will change and that can be something you are happy with and stay or if you aren't then you can leave.

Him being in a happy relationship with you doesn't change whether he is the child's father or not and if he is then he needs to step up. It's unfair she didn't do the DNA test years ago as if he is the father both him and the child have missed out on years of their relationship.

You don't have all the facts yet so it's no use getting caught up in what ifs. He needs to do the test and you can make a decision from there. It's understandable you're upset as it could potentially change things for your relationship but at the end of the day there is a child who needs to know who their father is and needs to be supported by them.

GreatGateauxsby · 21/01/2024 15:40

Bluntly it's been 8m and you are 23.
He's a boyfriend... you haven't built a life together, you aren't committed.

You would be very be very foolish NOT to encourage him to test.

If he is the father, he will have this child and by proxy this woman in his life (& maybe yours) for the next 20 years or so.

It WILL change everything for him and several things for you....
Where you live
How much disposable income you have
Possibly how many children you have

and you should want to be able to make an informed decision about your own future.

It's a personal choice...

if he was the father I personally would strongly consider leaving him because I wouldn't have wanted the responsibility of being a step mother to a child at 23 and i wouldn't want to make compromises or deal with the messiness the stepmother for the foreseeable future.

Ponderingwindow · 21/01/2024 15:43

There is no real question about the test. He should get it done as quickly as possible.

the real question is should you continue dating a man who knew he might have a child out there and didn’t resolve the issue at the time. He asked for a test and she refused, but he could have pursued the issue in court. He should have pursued the issue in court. You shouldn’t want to be with a man who would abandon his potential child.

Coconutter24 · 21/01/2024 15:45

You do realise this situation isn’t about you? He should have pushed harder 4 years ago for a dna test. Given that he has said he wants to do the dna test then that’s what should happen. If he isn’t the child’s father then she can leave him alone but if he is the father then he will have a new financial/responsibility. It is not a great situation because she’s clearly only doing it because she’s single now. It’s up to you if you stick by him or not but if I found out my gf/bf was thinking of leaving me because I potentially had a child I wouldn’t want them to stay around anyway.

Gobolina · 21/01/2024 15:46

I wouldn't worry op, he probably isn't thr father. There's probably a few more contenders for her to work her way through.

That poor kid.

skyeisthelimit · 21/01/2024 15:47

He needs to do the test for the child's sake.

Only you can decide if you then want to stay with him if he has to start including a child in his life.

whiteshutters · 21/01/2024 15:47

Cross one bridge at a time. He wants to do the test. It is his decision. You can of course think "what ifs" while you wait on the result.

LolaSmiles · 21/01/2024 15:53

It's right he does the test.

It's bad enough it's taken this long. The mother shouldn't have prioritised playing mummy and daddy with the man she got in a relationship with over getting the truth for her child. Equally your boyfriend shouldn't have been happy to do nothing given there's a chance he's fathered a child.

If he is the child's father then everything could change. It will affect your life as a couple of you choose to settle down and build a life and you'll have to factors this child into your lives for at least the next 15 years.

Cross one bridge at a time though OP. There's no point dealing in what ifs until you know if he's the father.

JustExistingNotLiving · 21/01/2024 15:56

Ponderingwindow · 21/01/2024 15:43

There is no real question about the test. He should get it done as quickly as possible.

I think that going too far.
He asked for a test, which as a 19yo was a really mature thing to do.

The mother stayed with one of the other guys abd he raised the child as his. The logical conclusion is that they both thought that man was the father. Why would go to courts to ask fur a paternity test and create a lot if drama for them age the child when it looks like the issue is clear cut?

AgnesX · 21/01/2024 15:58

I have to say he doesn't sounds like the ideal partner and you're only 8 months in.

Step back, he needs to do the right thing (belatedly....). If he turns out to be the father your relationship will change anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2024 15:59

You sound extremely immature and self-absorbed. Of course he should find out if he's a father. How could you possibly think otherwise? There is a child who deserves to know who his father is, and your boyfriend deserves to know if he has a child.

viques · 21/01/2024 16:00

Seems fair to me. Let’s hope he has learned to be a bit more circumspect about who he sleeps with these days.

JustExistingNotLiving · 21/01/2024 16:00

@Harvestmooon I agree with PP.

Having the DNA test is the right thing to do.

The ex probably has had a DNA test done and found out he isn’t the father. Maybe he was conned into thinking he was . Maybe she cheated on him and it made him reassess the situation re the child. Whatever.
Now she is after the one who will pay CM.

Just now, none if this should have any impact on your relationship.

Sureaseggs44 · 21/01/2024 16:01

Of course he should do the test . It does not mean he is going back to his ex ? If he is the father then as others have said you can think about how it will affect both of you at that point .

Neriah · 21/01/2024 16:02

If he wasn't interested in a relationship with her, he shouldn't have been having drunken sex with her. Oh, he WAS interested! In something.

This is a consequence of his behaviour. Whether the child is his or not, he was one of the people doing the tango. And if its his then he needs to step up and take responsibility.

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