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Original poster

Woman partner slept with 4 years ago wants paternal DNA test

60 replies

Harvestmooon · 21/01/2024 15:29

My partner (23M) of 8 months used to have drunk sex with a woman (23F) around 4 years ago, she was also sleeping with 2 other guys at the same time. Around this time she became pregnant and then got into a relationship with one of the guys she was sleeping with, he has been raising the child as his own ever since. Although she would tell my partner there was a chance the child could be his, he did ask for a DNA test at the time but she refused.

Now 4 years later, herself and her partner have split up and now she suddenly wants a DNA test with my partner to find out if he is really the dad. I am so upset about this as we have been happy and I feel it's so unfair she is doing this now because she single and he's in a happy relationship, as she used to really like him but he wasn't interested in having a relationship with her. I am scared if he is the father that it will change everything. He wants to to do the test as he said he doesn't think the child is his and wants to get her to leave him alone.

I really don't know what to do, should I stick by him? Please could I have some advice?

OP posts:
lastchristmas80 · 21/01/2024 16:03

Jesus wept. Poor kid. Your partner has to take the DNA test and be ready to do the right thing if it’s positive. Your 8 month relationship is neither here nor there in it all. You can find another boyfriend, sadly we only get one set of biological parents.

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 16:07

He needs to do the test
If he is the father you need to decide if you want to stay with him or not, you don’t need to do anything else

PopcornBandit · 21/01/2024 16:09

Sorry OP but this DNA test situation has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend and this child deserve to know the child’s paternity. If he is the father, there will be decisions to be made, which will likely affect you. But make no mistake, the fact is that your feelings around him being “happy right now” etc pale in comparison to what your boyfriend will feel should he find out he is the father and has missed out on 4 years of his child’s life. In that case he will be needing you to stand by him and support him through the changes to come.

This situation is difficult and no doubt stressing you, but that doesn’t mean you should take any action here at all right now. What would you want him to do if somehow the roles were reversed?

Nonomono · 21/01/2024 16:21

Why would you not stick by him?

She has been very unfair to the child and your ex and a DNA test should have been done at the time but it’s better 4 years late than never.

If he’s the dad, the child is still young enough to have a relationship with.

If he’s not the dad, then he’ll know once and for all.

For the past 4 years, in the back of his mind there’s a chance he could be a dad, that is a huge thing to carry around.

They we’re having regular sex, which he obviously enjoyed and it doesn’t matter whether she was having sex with other men at the time or not.
The facts are that he could be a dad, he needs to know once and for all asap.

Zanatdy · 21/01/2024 16:38

sorry but you sulking about it is wrong. He needs to know if this is his child, and so does the child

Wouldyouguess · 21/01/2024 16:39

I mean... he used to have drunken sex and can be the father. You are upset atm a wrong person- the woman- because you think she is ruining your relationship. You should be angry at your partner who had unprotexted sex with another woman, the amount of her partners is irrelevant.

WinterLobelia · 21/01/2024 16:41

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2024 15:33

It was before you were a couple and a child deserves to know who their biological father is.

This. How you feel is irrelevant. Her sleeping with 3 men at the same time is irrelevant. he needs to do the test because she has asked him to and then go from there based on the results.

Any sexual behaviour has the risk of a resulting child. That is just a fact. And 'stick with him' well- if he is the dad and you find you do not wish to be in a relationship with someone with a child- then that's fine. You don't need any reason to not be with someone.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/01/2024 17:01

Her sleeping with 3 men at the same time is irrelevant

Is also highly unlikely.

He does the test, finds out and if the child is his, he steps up with either maintenance and time or just maintenance without complaining once, as she didn't nick his penis off him whilst he was asleep, it was attached to him whilst functioning as penises do.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 21/01/2024 17:02

It is not against the law for a woman to sleep with more than one person.
Nor is it against the law for a man. (Providing enthusiastic consenting adults)
It does not give any mother the right to play 'guess who' with the possible fathers when it suits her.
I actually agree with some previous posters, at 23 I would seriously consider what a long term future may look like if your boyfriend is the dad.
And if you really think he'd get back with this woman because she's single then maybe you don't have a great relationship.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 21/01/2024 17:05

This isn't about you.

There is a child who doesn't know who their father is. This is what is important. Not your feels. A potential father who turned their back on their child wouldn't be a great man either so if he is the father,then he should step up.

Not about you,not about the mother ' it's about the child and to see it in any other way is immature.

Original poster
Harvestmooon · 21/01/2024 17:51

Thank you all for your advice. Maybe I have been selfish with how I have been handling this. I was just upset that she is only doing all this now when she's had 4 years. But it is about the child at the end of the day and I will just have to wait for the results and go from there.

OP posts:
BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 17:54

She is obviously doing it to try and decide who should be paying for maintenance as the other guy has probably stopped paying as he is questioning paternity

PossumintheHouse · 21/01/2024 17:55

Harvestmooon · 21/01/2024 17:51

Thank you all for your advice. Maybe I have been selfish with how I have been handling this. I was just upset that she is only doing all this now when she's had 4 years. But it is about the child at the end of the day and I will just have to wait for the results and go from there.

Your partner has already had four years to resolve this.

Appreciate it must be really tough and upsetting, but it needs to be done. He’s been a bit spineless here.

If - and that’s a big if - she was seeing three people at the same time, I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that her ex has probably already had a DNA test. Your partner’s odds on being the father are possibly reducing.

GreatGateauxsby · 21/01/2024 17:56

I wouldn’t say selfish but it is an immature viewpoint. (Candidly I would probably would have felt roughly the same in my early 20s as I had no appreciation or understanding of parenthood or the responsibilities entailed)

So while yes, it is about the child and what is in their best interests… you are a peripheral third party and it is also about you in the sense that if he is the father and you stay with him you should be really clear what you are signing up for / giving up on to be fair to both yourself and the child in question.

HarlaEB · 21/01/2024 17:58

And don't forget the test could also show your BF is not the dad.

Much better to know and for both of you to be able to make informed decisions with a definite either way.

This 4 year old needs to know who his family are though, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

Nonomono · 21/01/2024 18:11

HarlaEB · 21/01/2024 17:58

And don't forget the test could also show your BF is not the dad.

Much better to know and for both of you to be able to make informed decisions with a definite either way.

This 4 year old needs to know who his family are though, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

Exactly!

kitsuneghost · 21/01/2024 18:17

To be honest I would want him to take the test to be sure.
Iv the child is his I would have to leave
Not only would he end up paying maintenance which would impact your joint finances but he may want to see the child leaving you playing stepmum
You having been together long enough to take on this drama

BarelyLiterate · 21/01/2024 18:30

You are not the most important person in this situation, OP, and your wishes are not what matters. The child is. They have a right to know who their real father is and to a relationship with him.

Your boyfriend is absolutely correct. He does need to find out, once and for all, if he is the child’s father. If he is, he needs to accept responsibility for his child, both financially and as a dad. If he isn’t, then he can put the issue behind him and continue his relationship with you, if that’s what you both want.

BuernBuern · 21/01/2024 19:11

As an adult who had a "surprise" via a commercial DNA test I can't emphasize enough how important it is that the child knows for sure, and much better to know now than later.

UsuallyAtWork · 21/01/2024 20:03

As she was sleeping with ‘2 other guys’ and the one now out the picture isn’t the father, I assume she’s contacted BOTH of the others and asked them BOTH to do a paternity test so that there a positive identification of the biological father and this is then dealt with?

UsuallyAtWork · 21/01/2024 20:15

.

UsuallyAtWork · 21/01/2024 20:20

Ponderingwindow · 21/01/2024 15:43

There is no real question about the test. He should get it done as quickly as possible.

the real question is should you continue dating a man who knew he might have a child out there and didn’t resolve the issue at the time. He asked for a test and she refused, but he could have pursued the issue in court. He should have pursued the issue in court. You shouldn’t want to be with a man who would abandon his potential child.

I don’t necessarily disagree with what you say, but without the full backstory, everything is guess work. She may have refused him a paternity test as she told him the one she was in a relationship was the father after she had finished saying he ‘might’ be the father. Surely the guy who hung around would have pushed for a paternity test as he’d want to know, maybe even more so than the others? It’s fair to say ‘most’ people in that situation would want to know one way or another including the mother, so the whole 4 years of not knowing shows what a messed up situation it is!

JustExistingNotLiving · 21/01/2024 20:23

PossumintheHouse · 21/01/2024 17:55

Your partner has already had four years to resolve this.

Appreciate it must be really tough and upsetting, but it needs to be done. He’s been a bit spineless here.

If - and that’s a big if - she was seeing three people at the same time, I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that her ex has probably already had a DNA test. Your partner’s odds on being the father are possibly reducing.

Show quote history

4 years ago, this guy was 19yo.
Asking for a DNA test was very mature coming from an 19yo.

Yes it should have been sorted but I’d say THE MOTHER should have sorted it out, by accepting the DNA test the OP’s partner wanted to do. By asking her current partner to do one etc….
I think ‘men’ in general are very good at escaping responsibilities. But I dint think that’s the case there.

NicholJO · 21/01/2024 21:11

Op if you tell him you don't want him to have a DNA. test it's selfish off you I understand your feelings but this little child is the most important little person. not you not your partner not the mother. the little child deserves to know who is his or her daddy. can you imagine how confused the child will be if the mothers original partner isn't the daddy the only victim here is the child.

Honeyroar · 21/01/2024 21:40

The mother probably hoped that the other guy was the father and that’s why the issue was never resolved until now. But they’re all four years older and wiser, so possibly why she’s trying to find out the truth now. Whatever the reason for the delay, they need to know who the father is. If it does turn out that your boyfriend is the father his life is going to change. He’d have to pay towards the child and be a dad, have contact with his ex. And you’d have to decide whether you could cope with that. But until you all know it’s a cloud looming over you all. It can’t be ignored.