How to behave/communicate with adult sons

[lovenotwar149]

Hi everyone I am really interested in differing perspectives with this one please people....
so my third son , aged 24, moved out 6 days ago for the very first time. Now all three sons are living independently. All good! They are between the ages of 24 and 30. I thought it was reasonable to call/msg each day this week with the third son who just moved out, but by mid wk, he very politely let me know , very kindly too, that it was a bit much especially as we are seeing him tomorrow as we will be driving there, both me and his dad, my hubby, with the rest of his stuff. I listened and thanked him for actually telling me that he didnt want me to call/ msg anymore this wk. All good.
So my question is...
With this adult- adult relationship evolving with my 24 yr old son and also in play with the other 2, what do ppl think about when we do meet up with them, which we do, who pays for meals out for example? Is it always the parents? My husband thinks YES its the parents who pay when we meet up with them for lunch, dinner etc. I think differently if we are entering into an adult-adult relationship.
I have another question re calling/messaging too. I am the one who keeps in touch with them via calls/messages/arranging when to see each other etc. My sons are very loving, polite, funny and responsive when I get in touch etc Yet they dont take the initiative to call/msg/arrange to meet up etc
"They're boys" some have said, "what do you expect?"
I feel hurt tbh at the lack of 'initiative' from them.
Anything to say people?

A group WhatsApp group might help.

I text my mum every morning and speak most days.

Also you can let them know things without feeling that you are annoying them. Eg your auntie came round and said to says hello etc.

They dont like the idea of a group WhatsApp

declutteringmymind

Are you female?

I have 2 adult sons, both left home, 1 with children. I see my eldest most weeks, he comes for dinner and then goes out to a hobby with his dad (my DH). He comes at the weekend every 2 or 3 weeks with my DIL they often stay for dinner but not always between times we message once maybe a week but often just confirm arrangements etc. my youngest lives 2 hours away and has children, we see them every 4-6 weeks for a weekend (we don’t drive due to health reasons so my son has to come to me or my daughter/son takes me ). We message most weeks once or twice.

if we go out to eat, or for a trip out, we pay we are in a better financial position so I am happy todo this. If they suggest we go out an occasion they treat, but I often still offer 😂.

i don’t know your son’s financial situation, but both my sons are comfortable but things are tight enough to not have disposable income, I therefore often treat them to fancy food being delivered or stock their cupboard for them if I’m visiting

just editing to say we all have Facebook messenger which we use all the time to contact, very rarely phone

Wow that sounds nice. Lovely communication going on there!
Mine are very independent and self sufficient like their dad. My DH's dad didn't call my hubby, his son, I dont think ever. I used to think, still do, that was very odd/sad. But when they met, they were fine with each other

My twenty four year old also lives away. We FaceTime him once a week and have a chat, although don’t if we’ve just seen him or about to see him.

Regarding meals, we still pay and also pay for holidays away. However, I do heavily hint that they should pay for at least one meal every so often…

As your son has only just moved away, I think it’s reasonable to slowly let go of the purse strings. Don’t do it all at once. It’s a big step for him moving out. He may technically be an adult, but overnight he’s transitioned from ‘a son’ to ‘being independent’.

My hubby also doesn't call his brothers unless there's a reason. Months on end go on without any communications between them

Riverlee

thank you!

Shame they won't do a group what's app. My adult son is still at home but when he's at uni I'm going to make effort to talk at least once a week. I tend to do a sentence or two and he tends to either not read or pour his heart out. Before he goes I'm going to have a chat with him about contact level. It's got to work for both of you. I don't want to get into months without contact or being needy and demanding

Be careful about starting to pay for meals and it becoming a precedent. We always paid (5 DCs). Now when we eat out and they all have partners there are 12 of us altogether. Often we don’t get much change from £1000 if we go somewhere half decent for a birthday and they’re all ordering numerous cocktails and bottles of wine. It was becoming ridiculous. Now we split the bill and everyone pays for their own drinks.

Re who pays, I think it depends on reason for gathering, and relative financial situations. E.g. depending on family traditions, it might be that if celebrating a birthday, either the person celebrating treats everyone else, or is treated by everyone else, depending on what's usual in your family.

If it's e.g. just a random Sunday pub lunch, then I'd expect people to pay in proportion to their financial situations - so, for example, parents might pay for the kids for 2 out of 3 times, then for the next, say "looking forward to seeing you for lunch at X on. Sunday - think it's your turn to cover your own lunch this time".
It doesn't really matter which, as long as the expectations are clearly communicated in advance if they will be expected to pay and haven't been expected to previously, because otherwise it just breeds resentment in both directions, from unmet expectations.

Re contact - it's super variable depending on your preferences - I used to message mine once every 4-8 weeks and that was just to set up phone calls/meets, but I don't particularly like messaging, neither to partners nor family.

I reckon the thing is generally, if you want to talk, then you should initiate. They're not initiating because they don't feel a need to talk so often.
If you want them to initiate more, say "I'd love it if you'd message me sometimes - could you do that [every other Sunday, or whenever]?" Then they either will or won't, and you can respond as you feel, but I feel that being honest and communicating is key, because so often you hear "I want XYZ, and I don't get it, but I've never mentioned it to them".... which is obviously a recipe for disaster and miscommunication.

It's an interesting one about who pays! My DC are all still under 18, but thinking back to when I was a young adult... I think in my first few years of living independently my parents still paid if we went out, but that definitely changed by my mid/late twenties. By my 30s we were probably following the same unwritten rules that we would for friends - if someone has done the travelling, the other person might pay for dinner etc. My parents were divorced though and both pretty broke. It was different with my ILs who were financially comfortable in retirement and still liked to treat their grown up sons and families to meals out etc. Nothing extravagant though and we certainly paid our way on shared holidays etc.

I have two adult sons both early twenties. One in UK, one in Canada. I speak to them both to catch up about once a week. Message when we have something to share. We also have a family WhatsApp group. It takes a while to find a balance. I usually pay when we get together.

We always pay when we go out for a meal with our adult children because we have more disposable income I think that is fair and we are both very happy to pay for them.
Re texting 99% of the time it's me who initiates contact with our son. Some times he responds sometimes he is busy and he doesn't that's fine. I don't take it personally and I'm happy to be the one who makes contact. He is caring and a very nice person to be around. He just doesn't always think to make contact very often. But I know he would be there if we needed him. It its just the way he is. And to be honest it was the same with my siblings and I when my mother was alive. She was the centre of all communication between us.

Thank you very much for replies. I guess if I want to talk then I call. They are very willing to take my call I must say. If I miss them, they call back. But ii think (fear) if I dont call I won't hear from them for wks. And I think its my job as a 'mum' to keep letting them know (via a msg/call etc to chat) that they are being thought of and that they are loved. Its not their job to let me know they love me, its my job to let them know. Thats why I keep up with the msgs/calls etc. I may msg every 5/6 days roughly, and call every 10/14 days approx

re notmetoo

He is caring and a very nice person to be around. He just doesn't always think to make contact very often. But I know he would be there if we needed him.

That is how my sons are

Two sons, one mid thirties, one late twenties. The elder one I see once a month when I go over and visit he and his wife. The younger has just got engaged, so is very absorbed with his new house and his fiancee and his job, so I see him maybe once every six weeks or so, when either they visit me or I pop over to see them. We have a family Whatsapp group that they are both in, and random messages fly around that between me and their sisters and them, which they occasionally chime in with. I also message their partners separately.

But I feel no need to speak to them daily (or even weekly)! They are adults, they know where I am if they need me, and their lives are busy. I don't want to be 'bored mum insinuate myself into their lives'. I let them come to me.

Saying that, though, I do have three daughters too, and they tend to be a bit more communicative, so I'm not sitting here alone feeling all sad and left out - there's usually one daughter or another messaging me with something going on! So it's probably easier for me than if I just had the boys.

My parents always paid for years but I do insist on paying for more than half now.

As a woman maybe I need to make peace with the fact that I want to talk more than they do

They are probably taking after my DH. In his family, 3 sons too like we have, they too are all very independent. Not much contact with parents or brothers but when they meet, its all ok. Not overly close, they dont know any details about their brother lives really, but they get along. No rows at all. Bit formal to me

@lovenotwar149 I'm female?

Females/daughters in my experience talk to their mums more than boys/sons do

My mum got fed up of me ringing her everyday so she suggested the WhatsApp group. Even my brother acknowledges things on there otherwise no contact from him for months.

Maybe I need to embrace the fact they are not needy and are coping with their lives without ringing us and asking for things

I have 2 adult sons. Eldest lives about half an hour away. I message him every 4th or 5th day and we see him about every 4 weeks. If I don't message he will message me on about day 6/7. My youngest son is living back at home at the moment but when he was at Uni I messaged him the same, 4th or 5th day but he wouldn't message me unless he needed something. We would visit him for lunch in between him coming home. I very rarely speak to either of them on the phone. When we eat out we pay but my eldest has on occasion invited me out for lunch with him and his girlfriend and he pays.