How to behave/communicate with adult sons

[lovenotwar149]

Hi everyone I am really interested in differing perspectives with this one please people....
so my third son , aged 24, moved out 6 days ago for the very first time. Now all three sons are living independently. All good! They are between the ages of 24 and 30. I thought it was reasonable to call/msg each day this week with the third son who just moved out, but by mid wk, he very politely let me know , very kindly too, that it was a bit much especially as we are seeing him tomorrow as we will be driving there, both me and his dad, my hubby, with the rest of his stuff. I listened and thanked him for actually telling me that he didnt want me to call/ msg anymore this wk. All good.
So my question is...
With this adult- adult relationship evolving with my 24 yr old son and also in play with the other 2, what do ppl think about when we do meet up with them, which we do, who pays for meals out for example? Is it always the parents? My husband thinks YES its the parents who pay when we meet up with them for lunch, dinner etc. I think differently if we are entering into an adult-adult relationship.
I have another question re calling/messaging too. I am the one who keeps in touch with them via calls/messages/arranging when to see each other etc. My sons are very loving, polite, funny and responsive when I get in touch etc Yet they dont take the initiative to call/msg/arrange to meet up etc
"They're boys" some have said, "what do you expect?"
I feel hurt tbh at the lack of 'initiative' from them.
Anything to say people?

How often does your husband call and text them?

With paying for meals I'd go on everyone's disposable income the same as you might gauge it for friends. If you know they are saving for something big or it's their birthday or you just want to then by all means treat them. But a time should naturally come that they want to treat you too or pay for themselves. Its about clear communication. Being open to try their suggestions hearingn their ideas too. The same for communication I'd perhaps say to them all individually what's your ideal how regular and what methods.

As long as you are easy going and allowing them the space to be independent if you have a good relationship then they will want to be in contact. It just might look a little different to what you might need. Then you have to assess your needs and motives? Are you seeking communication from them that you would be better off seeking in your husband or friends? A hobby?

They will of been socialised by society as boys/men to have less expectations on them than women or the mother daughter relationship. Whilst you still have to respect their individual wants and needs. It won't do them any favours for their own future relationships if you expect less from them purely because they are men.

Unfortunately if they have seen your husband take a back seat in communication and relationship admin, like birthdays etc leaving you to do all the effort they may very well of adopted that same mentality. All you can do in that situation is have honest conversations with them about the effects of their choices. I would just make sure you are willing to compromise on your end too. Keeping some healthy boundaries.I

My husband has a mother who if she doesn't get her own way with visits or how much communication she will sulk and give him the silent treatment. So now is a perfect time for any fine tuning you may have to do to assess your needs and behaviours. By asking others as you are doing that's a step in the right direction for some self reflection.

My DCs are in their 40’s with very busy lives of their own.
I have never contacted them daily since they left for university years ago.
We text or WhatsApp video occasionally, and I’m very happy to pay for a meal when we do meet up.
They know that they can contact me whenever they like 🤷🏼‍♀️

To DS at 27 and 30
we WhatsApp mainly, either seperately or on a group. Maybe one exchange a week, sometimes more if stuff going on, sometimes less.
i see younger one about every 6 weeks as we can meet up fr day ( around 4.5 hour round trip, but doable). We alternate mine and his
elder one is like buses, don’t see in ages then suddenly comes up 3 times in 3 months. He’s over 4 hours away by train or car, so needs overnight or weekend. I recognise he is busy, precious weekends and holidays, so don’t push with exception of Dec when I do try to get them both to come at same time- but not always Xmas. He’s in single bed flat with partner so not easy for me to stay over at his either. I am a little sad about it but logistics are naff, and I have to accept its way it is 🤷🏼‍♀️
in terms of paying I’m divorced and retired. They are both in professional jobs. We tend to split and share costs pretty evenly now if we go out. Works out just fine. When they’re staying with me I obviously pay for everything if we dine in- I’m a good cook so we do have very nice meals. They’ll generally bring nice wine.
When they see their dad I think he pays, but he’s in better position than me financially so that’s his decision.

I do think sons are not as good at staying in touch regularly and frequently, but it’s not a given, I know mums in my age group and older with very communicative sons. So, I think it’s more around how dependent they were on you when growing up. I was sole breadwinner, their dad was not working due to ill health. I was often away travelling with work unfortunately in their mid teens onward, so they did learn to be pretty independent early on - given their dad’s illness they never really could depend on him anyway for practical stuff. They know we’re immensely proud and both love them to bits, and they’ll call when they’ve got something to discuss, a problem they want insight into etc. I accept no news is good news! I’ll usually “crack” a week in and send a message with , how are you doing ….

I think you've got a point with independence. I was a single mum to my five, so they all learned independence at a very early age (youngest was barely two when XH left, so I was VERY busy). The girls are more communicative, but more in the line of Whatsapp messages than phone calls. It would drive all of us spare if we had to spend ages on the phone to one another (we all have jobs and busy lives).

One son, aged 30, single, lives an hour away. Joined the armed forces when he was 19, so became very self sufficient. I am the one who instigates contact, but he always replies the same day, and will ring if he has something to share. Due to our work patterns we only catch up in person perhaps once every few months..Re-paying for meals, that became an alternate thing when he left home - currently his disposable income is way more than mine, and we still take turns in paying.

Hi, two adult sons here.
When they left home for Uni they communicated when they needed to and we worked on the ‘no news is good news’ theory. The youngest son was the worst at communicating.
After they both travelled the world for some time, again little contact, they settled down. Both living with their families quite near to us. Eldest son contacts us by text about once a week/ fortnight to arrange a short visit with his family, at our house.
Youngest son, pops in on an ad hoc basis, and contacts us several times a week.So I think it depends on the individual personality.
We pay for family meals out, but when out with younger son and family he’ll buy the drinks. As others have said, we have more disposable income.

Thanks people for further replies...very helpful indeed! I will do some further reflection!

MightyGoldBear

It won't do them any favours for their own future relationships if you expect less from them purely because they are men.

Thank you for this! I agree!

We have a group WhatsApp. A lot of football talk which I ignore. They do call me and FaceTime - more them than me but that’s because they are always busy.

We pay for meals/holidays etc. a) we have more money b) it’s good to give them a treat c) my parents often still pay for me!!!

That’s joint holidays - not their own.

I think it very much depends on their personality, and perhaps their partners.
I have four adult sons.one of whom still lives with us with his wife. The oldest is in touch a lot, as his job is based local to us. One of them drops in when he is going to support the local football team and the other calls to see his brother who lives with us.
With regards to meals out, it really depends on the occasion, and the reason for.
I tend to let them get in touch with me as we all lead busy lives, but occasionally will contact them (usually by text or WhatsApp) just to find out how they are if we've had no contact for a few weeks

(according to my son) i should always be available and answer messages in a timely fashion. If he phones me I have to answer immediately.

he does in no way have to apply these rules to himself 😂

Two sons, mid 30s, both married.

It’s very organic I think. We have loads of WhatsApp groups, all six of us, just the four of us, two parents/single son, dad and two sons, mum and two sons etc. Which one we’re on depends on what we’re discussing.

We never ever call. They lead busy lives and we don’t want to interrupt them. And vice versa. But we WhatsApp every day. They can fit that in, reply when they’re free and it’s private.

We never really message to ‘check in’ or ‘chat’ - that’s done in person. Usually the WhatsApp is about arrangements, current affairs, sport, news about a friend or, relative a funny story, exchanging photos. It has a purpose which I think is better for boys.

I feel deeply embedded in my boys’ lives and am so grateful. But if I pushed them more, it would make them back off I think. I’d drop the calls, do ‘factual’ contact rather than emotional and keep it light.

I do tell them I love them every time I see them when they’re leaving - again, we have a bear hug and it comes out organically.

My two sons are variable in their level of contact. I try not to message them more than once a week and they usually respond. One sees us every couple of weeks, one is more like every 6 weeks but his partner has a lot of family they live nearer and see.
my daughter messages / calls much more frequently so I do see it as a gender difference.
min terms of who pays, we do much of the time but not all of the time as with partners to there’s 8 to pay for. We tend to pay when it’s our invite other times we say split the bill or we pay a bigger chunk and let them pay the difference. We didn’t want it to become an expectation.

I Iike the sound of your arrangement re pay, very sensible! Thanks for replying!

When I (female) left home phones / texts etc didn't exist. I spoke to my mum weekly, if that. Now she's in her 70s and I'm in my 50s we probably speak on the phone fortnightly, and message occasionally. Both of us would find daily contact way OTT - we've never ever done that.

So I think this will stand me in good stead when my two sons, currently 16 and 13, leave home. Occasional texts, duty phone calls now and then, I think that will be enough for me. One of them, the oldest, is more sociable and chatty by nature: I think he'll respond to msgs. The younger is currently monosyllabic and much quieter by nature, so I imagine a lot of future contact will go one way.

Re; paying for meals: my parents still pay for us if they have suggested eating out. Honestly, they are loaded and we are not. They wouldn't hear of anything else: they are just glad to be able to see their gc and to treat us (we live overseas, so spend a fortune travelling to see them twice a year plus I do a lot of cooking / shopping when we stay with them so it all evens out). My FIL on the other hand expects to be paid for 🙄. He's never been great at stepping up / forward, he's very comfortable with other people 'looking after' him and he gets a bit of a boost to be able to say he's being taken out for lunch or whatever by his son.

Fellow mother of 3 sons with whom I/we (both parents)have a really good relationship. Daily messaging and calling is very intrusive and if their lives are in any way busy they won’t have time for that. If they need you they’ll contact you, step back. Save most of the chat for when you meet up.

I don't think this is necessarily a boy thing. I was exactly the same when I was in my 20s living independently in London, having a great time, out socialising virtually every night. I maybe rang my parents once a fortnight - this was the 1970s and 80s before mobile phones, WhatsApp, etc. I had a great relationship with my parents but I didn't feel the need to live in their pockets and I knew they were also having a great time travelling, etc in ways they hadn't been able to do when they had children at home.
This changed when I had children in my 30s. Although we lived in London, we probably spent one weekend every 6 weeks at my parents in the West Country because it was so nice for them and my DC to develop a close relationship and because we weren't out socialising every weekend any more.
My DC have been exactly the same. We have a great relationship but to be honest if they had wanted to be in constant touch with me when they were childless and in their 20s I would have been worried about them. They were living their best lives, free of responsibilities. It never occurred to me to think they loved me any less.

I have a DD and a DS and my experience is that it's females who are more independent. When DS was working abroad, we'd have a catch up once a week, whereas DD is away at Uni (mature student) and it can sometimes be between 2-3 weeks between our messages/calls. So I think it's just a case of some people like more contact than others.

Re who pays, obviously birthdays and suchlike, I pay. At other times we sometimes pay for our own or sometimes treat each other. I'm not wildly better off than either of them and eating out etc is expensive now. So I couldn't afford to pay every time. But then it is just me, no partner. Holidays I paid when they were young adults and not earning, but if we do go away together now we pay our own way. Again I can't afford the cost of a whole other adult on top of my costs!

I treat my adult DC as I would friends, because that's what they've become. I message when I've something to say, as do they, which is usually a few times a week. We have a family whatsapp so we all put stuff on there and whoever wants to answer does.
We live in the same postcode so there's a lot of popping in (on their part) and we also do social things in a 'does anyone fancy this?' kind of way. We all pay for ourselves when we do things, but occasionally someone will say 'its my treat', sometimes me, sonetimes them.
Two of my DC out earn me already, and the one who lives at home has no expenses, so it would be daft for me to pay for everyone. Plus I'd prefer to know they actually wanted to do the thing with me, rather than just jumping on a freebie.

I'm going to be a bit stereotypical here, but I think whereas women will phone each other for a chat, men don't tend to get in touch unless there's a reason to. Something they need to arrange, or some news etc.

Thinking back on my own relationship with my Mum (I'm male) I definitely didn't speak to her as much as she'd have liked in my early 20s, because honestly I didn't have much to tell her that she'd be interested in. My life was work and going to the pub with my mates, or playing football etc., none of it thrilling! And plus it was kind've nice not having your parents know what you're up to all the time!

If I phoned then it was to organise plans to meet up for lunch, to check if Aunty X is still in town next week, to see what Mum wanted for her birthday etc. And the more often Mum phoned me, the less likely I was to phone or meet up with her, because we'd already exchanged all the news when she phoned me. It wasn't that I wasn't happy to talk to her, I just didn't need to speak to her as much as she wanted to speak to me.

It wasn't until I had a kid that I started phoning my Mum more, because suddenly we had something to talk about that I knew Mum would be interested in. We had a very close relationship for 10 years before she died, but it was largely facilitated by the existence of my daughter.

I think that parents have to accept that their kids aren't going to initiate communication as much as they'd like. I already know that DD isn't going to be in touch as much as DP would like when she buggers off to uni in a couple of years.

Maybe not what you want to hear but I do think there is an element of 'monkey see, monkey do' in family dynamics. Children learn about familial relationships by observing what is going on around them, so if their dad didn't make regular contact with his parents during their formative years, that is likely to be their frame of reference for a 'normal' relationship between male adult offspring and parents.

Females/daughters in my experience talk to their mums more than boys/sons do

Not the case in my family.
I have 3 dc in their 20s. Both sexes. It is ds that messages the most. One of my dds goes off line for days.
I think it is down to their personalities.

But we rarely call. ds might call if he needs a quick answer to something. dd2 - I can't remember the last time I spoke to her on the phone (probably talking years). dd1 will go off radar for days and days, but she will occasionally phone when she is walking home.

We do have loads of WhatsApp messages / groups though. Sometimes memes and jokes, sometimes a bit of news, sometimes just family banter, sometimes to ask a question. Much better as everyone can pick up as and when, and reply as and when.

Must be sad when they fly the nest and weird at first. I’d set up a WhatsApp or messaging group / maybe email so u can share jokes or memes with etc and they can reply in their own time.

At that age id still offer to pay but when they’re both settled and earning good money and in a position to offer then I’d split it.

I think for now with the young one the onus will be on you to keep in touch and let him know you’re thinking of him. A call every couple of weeks? I’d hope in time as they get older 30s/40s they’ll make a bit more effort but I wouldn’t expect too much

I have a 24 year old and he lives 3 hours away. We message most days and probably face time one a week. He knows he’s loved as your sons will. They seem receptive so just be yourself and ring or message