How to behave/communicate with adult sons

[lovenotwar149]

Hi everyone I am really interested in differing perspectives with this one please people....
so my third son , aged 24, moved out 6 days ago for the very first time. Now all three sons are living independently. All good! They are between the ages of 24 and 30. I thought it was reasonable to call/msg each day this week with the third son who just moved out, but by mid wk, he very politely let me know , very kindly too, that it was a bit much especially as we are seeing him tomorrow as we will be driving there, both me and his dad, my hubby, with the rest of his stuff. I listened and thanked him for actually telling me that he didnt want me to call/ msg anymore this wk. All good.
So my question is...
With this adult- adult relationship evolving with my 24 yr old son and also in play with the other 2, what do ppl think about when we do meet up with them, which we do, who pays for meals out for example? Is it always the parents? My husband thinks YES its the parents who pay when we meet up with them for lunch, dinner etc. I think differently if we are entering into an adult-adult relationship.
I have another question re calling/messaging too. I am the one who keeps in touch with them via calls/messages/arranging when to see each other etc. My sons are very loving, polite, funny and responsive when I get in touch etc Yet they dont take the initiative to call/msg/arrange to meet up etc
"They're boys" some have said, "what do you expect?"
I feel hurt tbh at the lack of 'initiative' from them.
Anything to say people?

Well done on making that change.

How did you do that? And how was it accepted?

We always pay for our kids an partners but they offer to pay and would be happy to pay if we wanted to.

My two daughters contact me a lot. Pretty much every day and sometimes dozens of times and sometimes not for a few days. It's very easy and natural.
One of my boys works shifts and does a lot of activities. He tends to phone once a week with occasional messages. The other son lives close by and is erratic. He can message everyday but could go a week or so. He messaged me today with a photo of two donuts. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have a group chat too where we can post photos or group questions. My kids still ask me for advice which I think is meant to be a bad thing according to some people on Mumsnet. I was asked about a faulty humidifier today, asked where to get a passport photo and asked where to get the best exchange rate in town. It's a lot of one line messages. I like it but it might be too much for other families.

It all feels relaxed and natural but my kids have lived away from home for a good few years now.

They also message each other a lot which makes me happy.

I think it's great that your son felt comfortable to ask you not to message too often. I'd take it as a compliment that he felt he could tell you. 😊

It was before a holiday that we all went on together (that we had paid for). We explained that we’re on a fixed income now we’re retired, and given that their incomes are more than ours now, that we can’t keep paying for expensive meals for everyone so in future we’d be splitting the bill. They were all absolutely fine with it and very understanding. It was a conversation I’d been really stressing about having, but I needn’t have worried. That said, we’ll still pay for very special occasions (like one of our big birthdays, in lieu of a party).

@Menomeno

Thanks very much for sharing, it is helpful to hear how you did it, and great to hear a positive story.

thanks people! yes I felt happy that my son was able, and very respectfully too, to let me know that he didn't want me to call so often. he has been gone 3 months now and the calls/messaging has eased into a comfortable groove I'd say!

I still 'initiate' pretty much all the communication though

That's good to hear.

The other son lives close by and is erratic. He can message everyday but could go a week or so. He messaged me today with a photo of two donuts.

This sounds exactly like one of my daughter

We have a group chat too where we can post photos or group questions.

Yes, we have lots of different group chats, so each of the dc will appear in those on days when we don't necessarily speak directly.

My kids still ask me for advice which I think is meant to be a bad thing according to some people on Mumsnet. I was asked about a faulty humidifier today, asked where to get a passport photo and asked where to get the best exchange rate in town. It's a lot of one line messages. I like it but it might be too much for other families.

I am now beginning to think we / our families are very much alike.
One of my dc asked me where they could get an envelope the other day as they needed to post something and had only ever posted cards before
But then, I too will ask random questions in group WhatsApps.

They also message each other a lot which makes me happy.

This, 100%