I want to leave but I'm so scared !!!

[Mistyroad]

Hi, I've been with my partner 25 years we've never married but are engaged ( don't wear the ring anymore)
The last few years we've had alot of problems, mainly because I'm not in love with him anymore, I love him but like a sibling and I think since this has happened his feelings have changed too.
For two years now I've been contemplating leaving but haven't summoned up the strength to do it , I'm so scared of leaving behind the security I have ( I know that's shallow) but I'm 55 and in a low paid job , am I to old to start again ? I keep thinking I am , but I'm also unhappy living like this tbh, we've been in separate bedrooms for 6 months and it's taking its toll because I feel like a lodger . My partner has the mortgage in his name and he said when we had a discussion a few weeks ago that because we aren't married that I am not entitled to anything, he doesn't even want to give me any cash either because I've got a small amount of savings so he said I can use them. I've been really angry since he said that tbh, 25 years and I end up with nothing , I've looked into this and a solicitor has said I can take him to court but there's no guarantee I'd win,I feel stuck!! I can't see a way out tbh , I'm finding it so hard to live with him after he's said all this to me but he's just carrying on as if nothing has happened!! Any advice would be great please 🙏

It's not ideal not being on the mortgage and most likely not on the land registry deeds, however you clearly have an intetest in the property and after 25 years he would struggle to deny this. Any records of bank transfers etc to him would help or payment records towards the upkeep, maintainance ir improvements would show an interest. It's one for legal advice if he digs in his heels and itshouldn't be difficult. And it's definitely not too late to start again.

Sorry I see you already had legal advice. Take him to court. Or at least threaten to if he can't be reasonable.

Thanks for your reply 😊 he's adamant that I'll get nothing if I left well except some furniture, I really can't see anyway back now tbh , especially after this.

It's sounding acrimonious and unpleasant and you probably need to leave asap for your own wellbeing. Did you ever have children together?

I know !! I feel so uncomfortable here , I should be relaxing on the weekends after work but I'm on edge..
Yes we have a 23 year old son who still loves at home , he's aware of what's going on and knows that I want to leave.

Lives

After raising a child and living together for 25 years you can't accept just being left with nothing. Fight this. If the house is owned start by calculating how much the value has gone up since you've lived there as a family with a son and demand a share of that. It won't be as easy as would be had you been married, or on the mortgage, but you have options and having a son together must help your case

Have you got seperatebank accounts OP? If not make sure your wage goes to you.?
Any bills etc in your name ?
What do you have to show you’ve contributed to this property
It sounds like you are desperately unhappy & need to start acting. Get a solicitor who can fight your corner and get things rolling.
This is no way to live x

Hello

Is there someone else or you have someone in your mind?

If my OH was doing/saying what you said - though no OH is ready for this, I would not want to live with someone that did not want me.

Yes, these days fincail circumstances have a big bearing

There will always be men around wanting woemn trust me and they will say anyhting to get into bed - but most of the ones I've heard about are cheats

Women can live independtly a lot easier than most men can from what I have personally seen

You two need to decide and move on - good luck

He's played a blinder not marrying you. I think you are in big trouble here. You will need to start increasing your work / income to live independantly.

Yes we've always had separate bank accounts. I pay the gas/electricity, water and tv accounts by direct debit each month.
I know it's hard for both of us living like this, i desperately don't want to hurt him but I can't see a solution other than splitting up, there's no one else involved at all , just feelings changing.

You can't do that! This is why on these boards we are telling women to get married if they are in a vulnerable position financially. You have no right to something if there's no contract between you.

Unless you paid towards the mortgage you are not entitled to anything I'm afraid

Unless you paid towards the mortgage or paid for improvements to the house e.g. an extension you are not entitled to anything I'm afraid.

I suppose the only way to look at it is that at the moment you have a landlord who you don't love anymore. If you move out you can have a landlord who keeps away from you and lets you live the life you want.

I think at the very least your partner should pay for a deposit and the first few months rent on a new place while you get settled.

I would very surprised if you are due anything tbh - he’s played a blinder, and I am afraid you have let him. You are not married, not on the house deeds, not on the mortgage, and your child together is an adult. I’m sorry op - defo get proper legal advice.

You probably won’t get very far if you take it to court. I would start figuring out how you could afford it if you moved out eg rental costs, bills etc. Could your son move out with you and share the costs? Could you do more hours at work? It does get harder the older you get to support yourself especially if you are single but work out the facts first.

I've spoke to a solicitor and they've said the same.
I'm just shocked I guess that he feels no guilt about me having nothing after 25 years, it makes me think there wasn't much love there in the first place.
I'm going to look into taking on some extra hours at work I guess and start saving if I can.
Thanks for all your replies, much appreciated

In a worst case scenario - you don't have any claim on the house - what would your plans be? Are your parents alive? Do you have anywhere you could go?

I know I've been very foolish. I was in love so didn't push to go on the mortgage.
My son doesn't want to move out with me , he's got aspergers so he doesn't like change.
Both my parents have passed on and I live away from my family so haven't really got anywhere I can stay...

She can demand it as a starting point. Of course he will refuse and yes hewill be on solid ground . But it's a starting point to negotiate from. She's raised his son and has household bills in her name. It doesn't have to be the black and white legality and she can take him to court and see what is decided. Not easy but she has a case.

It can’t be a surprise to you that not being married you are not entitled to much, if anything. Him saying this is not an extra point against him, really. It’s just a fact.
No person willingly shares assets once the other person suggests separation.

Back to the marriage and changed feelings - it’s not uncommon. I think expecting to be ‘in love’ after 25years in the same way you used to be is unrealistic.
You are also in the age when women go through big hormonal changes and are known to at times making big changes to their lives. It’s like all accumulated resentments come out in one go and we explode. Often it’a for the same reasons you describe. But later some regret as life becomes that much harder.

So - yes, people will tell you - you can do it. And you can leave of course. But life will undoubtedly get much harder. Even if you win in court - you’ll get very little. And increasing earnings from low wage isn’t easy.
Just a reality check.

Before you decide to pull the plug - I’d at least consider if you’ve done everything to try to fix the relationship - assuming your partner is not a bad person in general. You made it to 25 years - so there must be a lot there. And relationships go through phases.
Have you considered couple’s counseling?

Yes I've suggested counselling which he said he'd go to, I know I'm very resentful about alot of things and it's built up over the years.
He's a good person in general, he has OCD which controls our lives quite abit and does cause quite a few problems between us if I'm honest.

How can she take him to court and yet you say it's not about the legality? You're not making any sense.