I want to leave but I'm so scared !!!

[Mistyroad]

Hi, I've been with my partner 25 years we've never married but are engaged ( don't wear the ring anymore)
The last few years we've had alot of problems, mainly because I'm not in love with him anymore, I love him but like a sibling and I think since this has happened his feelings have changed too.
For two years now I've been contemplating leaving but haven't summoned up the strength to do it , I'm so scared of leaving behind the security I have ( I know that's shallow) but I'm 55 and in a low paid job , am I to old to start again ? I keep thinking I am , but I'm also unhappy living like this tbh, we've been in separate bedrooms for 6 months and it's taking its toll because I feel like a lodger . My partner has the mortgage in his name and he said when we had a discussion a few weeks ago that because we aren't married that I am not entitled to anything, he doesn't even want to give me any cash either because I've got a small amount of savings so he said I can use them. I've been really angry since he said that tbh, 25 years and I end up with nothing , I've looked into this and a solicitor has said I can take him to court but there's no guarantee I'd win,I feel stuck!! I can't see a way out tbh , I'm finding it so hard to live with him after he's said all this to me but he's just carrying on as if nothing has happened!! Any advice would be great please 🙏

Are you sure the relationship can't be saved? 25 years is a long time to spend with someone and it's a lot to walk away from.
Communication breakdown is often at the heart of relationship problems. Have you both tried to talk very honestly about how you are feeling?
It's not going to be easy for you so I think you need to be absolutely certain you are too unhappy to stay and that there is no way back before you leave.
And definitely consider how you would feel if your ex quickly moved on to someone else which seems to be an easy option for a middle aged man.

I don't think you should stay just for financial security but I do think you should spend longer exploring your feelings.
Investing in some individual counselling might be more beneficial at this stage than spending money on lawyers.
Good luck x

I think you're right , we don't communicate as much now , I don't really enjoy spending to much time with him tbh , it's draning.
I think counselling individually or together is definitely an option before I doing anything, thanks for your reply 😊.

@Jonisaysitbest

Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone you have been with and raised a child with for over 20 years, who said all this?

My partner has the mortgage in his name and he said when we had a discussion a few weeks ago that because we aren't married that I am not entitled to anything, he doesn't even want to give me any cash either because I've got a small amount of savings so he said I can use them.

I certainly wouldn't. It makes it clear he does value her or love her enough to be fair and kind if they split. It makes him sound like an absolute arsehole tbh.

@whatsitcalledwhen I agree that what he said was very cruel but we don't know if that comes from a place of hurt and wanting to deliberately hurt the OP who is saying she wants to leave or to try to persuade her to stay.
The OP is going to be in a very difficult place if she leaves as things stand so I think finding a way to communicate properly before ending things is worthwhile.
It might be that with some proper communication the OP's partner might agree that the relationship is indeed over but shift his view on how the split could be made fairer financially.
I just think it's worth a try and it's worth the OP being absolutely certain before she makes this big change.

I think people who are suggesting OP’s partner should want to sell his house and split all he has worked for - have never been through a relationship breakdown.

This is a 25 years relationship. We know nothing of what went on between them
and what resentments they both have accumulated.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to split up.

All we know is they a few years ago OP decided that she wasn’t in love. And she wanted out.
We don’t know what has lead to it - she may be depressed. Or not taking aging well. Or maybe she has unrealistic expectations of what 25+ years relationships should feel like.

From OP partner’s POV all of this came from nowhere and he does not deserve it. He is most likely really hurt and feels betrayed.

We also don’t know how much either of them contributed to the family finances, and who carried what in the years prior.
We don’t know why OP is on low income and it that has been an issue over the years in their relationship.

And, to add to it - They are not rich. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of free money laying around for them both to get their own places.

And they have their grown up son living with them in the family home.

So - everyone who says - her partner should volunteer to explode financial stability of his life he worked all his life for - should take a reality check.

I'm still struggling with him saying that to me tbh, I've worked hard to make this a home for us all , and just because I haven't got a piece of paper to say I'm married to him then I have to leave with nothing,
It's a warning to others I guess that you need to get married if you want any financial settlement in this country.

This isn’t a secret though. It’s literally what marriage is - a legal joining of finances and assets. I’m sorry you’re in this position OP but if it was clear you weren’t going to marry decades ago then why have you not done more to look after your own financial independence?

OP - can i ask - how has the relationship been for the 25years? What sort of partner has he been?
What happened a few years ago when you started feeling unhappy?

(And separately - why did you guys not marry?)

We were only together 8 months and I fell pregnant and the pregnancy was awful so not a great start to a relationship really. Our son has not been an easy child , he's on the asperger spectrum so he's been quite demanding of our time and still is tbh he has OCD and hasn't left the house for 15 months, he has rituals that can cause arguments between us all. My partner has OCD has well but not as severe as our sons. I feel suffocated by them both really , I like being out of the house.
We've been like friends for years really, very little sex or romance, abit like brother and sister, I look after him like a mother looks after her son tbh , that's why I can't feel romantically about him.
We've been engaged 20 years , and we were planning on getting married about 5 years ago but our son became ill so it never happened.

OP - it does sound tough. And I do feel
sorry for you. it has not been an easy life for any of you.
I guess - it does also explain your partner’s position though.
You want to escape. He’ll be staying and taking care of your son who is house bound.
It does tilt even the moral argument in his favour.

But having said it all - he was the same man 5 years ago and you wanted to marry him.
Your som got ill and wedding didn’t happen.
But - what really DID happen to change how you feel?

He's been working from home since covid started and will not ever go in the office again , that's been very difficult tbh , he's always there and very rarely goes out anywhere or with anyone.
I also had a full hysterectomy just over two years ago and went straight into surgical menopause, I won't go on HRT because of many members of my immediate family having had it.
Both of these things haven't helped our relationship.

@Mistyroad
Surgical menopause is really hard on your body. It is like all the effects of the gradual changes - hard as they are - have been unleashed in one huge blow.

There was a poster a few weeks ago who was talking about having surgical menopause and how she was suddenly not able to deal with her marriage and wanting out.

I have noticed that some of my friends going through natural menopause - have this period where they are really fed up with everything. I think the years of being responsible and taking care of everyone suddenly catch up with us.

So - I think it’s not that hysterectomy affected your relationship. Relationship was still the same - it didn’t change. It’s more your hormonal change affected how YOU feel about the relationship.

You need to leave right now is very emotionally driven. Can you try to think rationally and weigh pros and cons:

If you did leave - could you survive on your salary? Can you claim benefits? How would your son deal? Would you want to try to date?

If you stayed - for short/medium term at least - what can/need to change to make it more bearable for you? Less chores? Can partner/son pick up some of them? More ‘you’ time? Hobbies? Friends? Time away?

Finally - have you had any help with your surgical menopause? If HRT is not an option - there may be non-hormonal remedies that can help stabilise your mood?

Yes it has been hard dealing with all the changes all at once , my partner was really good at the beginning but started getting more annoyed by everything I was experiencing, he thought it wouldn't take long and I'd be back to myself again...I knew that was never going to happen. I think you're right when you say about my hormone change has affected the way I feel about my partner, I don't think I can ever change that now, well maybe HRT but then there's other risks
I've been told I would get a little help with rent etc and I have some savings so I have got options.
My son would find it hard if I'm honest , I do everything for him and because of his OCD he has a routine and I'm the only one allowed to touch clothes etc...he's the reason I'm still living here , it would be very hard to leave him.
I've got good friends and I'm very social , always out for meals , coffee etc.
I take a natural remedy daily and they do help in some ways , I'm generally a happy person , I only really feel low when I've been with my partner for a period of time, I find him quite draining.

I think you know that realistically you can’t leave before you have some sort of longer term solution for your son.
Being housebound at 23, relaying on his mom for everything - is not a sustainable way of living for a grown man.
Is he in therapy? What needs to happen to get him help?

In the meanwhile - as your partner agreed to counselling - give it a go? It may not change long term outcome, but maybe make it more bearable to be there for now.
Continue to save and keep looking for a better paid job. 🤞

You are not entitled to anything if you aren't married. My friend live with her partner for 20 years when he suddenly died without a will.
She always assumed she was entitled to the house as that's what he told everyone he wanted as a "common law wife".
His relatives took her to court and she got nothing. She had to give everything to the relatives and start again.

In your position instead of looking for my own flat I would look at moving in with another older women as a lodger initially so that you have time to save a little and don't have to buy your own furniture and white goods in one go and you may enjoy the company.

No way i’d be moving in with strangers. With the life circumstances OP described - this is not likely to make her feel any better.
And it doesn’t solve anything really.
She’ll have to still take care of her son. Likely pay more. And now - it’ll be strangers annoying her.

I’d grind my teeth and plan and prepare while living in your home of many years, instead.