I want to leave but I'm so scared !!!

[Mistyroad]

Hi, I've been with my partner 25 years we've never married but are engaged ( don't wear the ring anymore)
The last few years we've had alot of problems, mainly because I'm not in love with him anymore, I love him but like a sibling and I think since this has happened his feelings have changed too.
For two years now I've been contemplating leaving but haven't summoned up the strength to do it , I'm so scared of leaving behind the security I have ( I know that's shallow) but I'm 55 and in a low paid job , am I to old to start again ? I keep thinking I am , but I'm also unhappy living like this tbh, we've been in separate bedrooms for 6 months and it's taking its toll because I feel like a lodger . My partner has the mortgage in his name and he said when we had a discussion a few weeks ago that because we aren't married that I am not entitled to anything, he doesn't even want to give me any cash either because I've got a small amount of savings so he said I can use them. I've been really angry since he said that tbh, 25 years and I end up with nothing , I've looked into this and a solicitor has said I can take him to court but there's no guarantee I'd win,I feel stuck!! I can't see a way out tbh , I'm finding it so hard to live with him after he's said all this to me but he's just carrying on as if nothing has happened!! Any advice would be great please 🙏

My point is that she can negotiate on many fronts . She can make what are morally right claims to the house and that these don't have to be based on black and white legals. There are many couples out there who separate unmarried with a house and find an amicable and fair resolution, which a court would not award. AND she can take him to court and see what happens there if that fails. Yes he'd be pretty strong in court but that doesn't stop her valid demands before it escalates to legals. Not all separation and splitting of assets regardless of marriage ends up in court. He could be playing hardball because he doesn't want her to leave and might soften when he accepts it.

The court is a court of law, not a court of morals...that's exactly what the judge told my mother went she went to court to try and increase the financial settlement offered by my father in the divorce. She argued that she was morally entitled to the family house as my father had cheated on her and left her for another woman. She was further told that my father could have had 30 affairs and it would make no difference - in law the starting point is 50/50.

The OP is not married. If her soon to be ex partner doesn't feel like giving her any money, he doesn't have to. Unless we are talking massive amounts of money here, a house worth at least a million and he's earning near the same, going to court could cost the OP more than she would end up getting.

🤔No, she can't. She has no leverage. She has no dependents to house, she doesn't own the house, she isn't married. There is no legal basis for her to go to court. None. You can't just "go to court" because you fancy a slice of an asset that isn't yours. Which presumably the solicitor OP already consulted told her. "Paying towards the mortgage" means nothing; in the real world, we call that "rent".

Literally all OP's XP has to do is to respond "nope, bye!" to her demands and she's done.

I don't want to use my savings fighting him in court tbh , I think my only option is to find somewhere I can afford to rent and go from there really.
I'm just scared of leaving the security I guess , it's a massive leap especially at my age , its knowing if I'm doing the right thing.

Just go. Stop paying bills for a,start call energy suppliers say you moved out.

Ger a deposit find a rental, sign for housing benefit top up.

Is the house worth millions? If high value asset maybe some point but unlikely. Tricky to prove anything and costly. And might take years. You not married. Your name is not on asset.

Pointless spending thousands on court fees when you very little in your favour as unmarried .

Yes - morality has no bearing on asset split. Unfortunately common law marriage is not recognised in the UK.

So this is why I am telling OP to be sure it’s not just the regular bad patch in a relationship, that do happen. Or that is not the effects of hormones.
At least if they try counselling and it doesn’t work she’d know for sure.

No the house is worth about £320,000 and he's got a good pension with his company, I feel so shallow staying because of money.
I've got a deposit, it's just finding a rental company who will except my low wage.

Stay, get married and then leave him if you are still unhappy.

He's already told me this week that'd he'd never marry now.

Ask if he’d remortgage and give you 70k for a one bed flat?

Well yes he would be daft to marry you now given he has no interest in giving you anything.
As it stands you get nothing. But he isnt a multimillionaire either.
Find a small flat or over 50 intentional community or co housing and move in with your life. Maybe look at co shares with an older person?

Or tell him you are now separated and plan to reside in your home as a single person

Then live your life to the fullest

tell him you’ll go when he pays up!

I'd stay. Long game it. Stare him out

Save up

Leave in style

Hopefully escorted out by a virile 25 Yr old.

https://www.idealflatmate.co.uk/landlord-HQ/the-rise-of-the-silver-room-sharer/

And he doesn't change the locks on her because...?

I mean, you could try it if you're willing to take the risk, but it's a pretty high stakes gamble given that you could leave for work and come back to find your stuff in the street.

You don't want to hurt him, yet he has told you you'll end up with nothing, if you leave him??

Are you serious? Go see a solicitor! Screw him!

What an arsehole

I know !! When I look back and see what I've written I think why are you feeling sorry for this man , I guess that's my problem, I worry more about other people than I do about myself, I'm going to have to start thinking of myself.
Thanks for your replies , I'm taking them all on board....

You need to increase your hours at work or get a 2nd p/t job to increase your savings and rent affordability.

Meanwhile stay put and save as much as you can.

What's the rental market like where you are? Is it worth trying the Council - the worst they can say us No.

I've put feelers out at work for some more hours already .
The houses /flats thst come up are usually gone in the same day here tbh , I'm on all the estate agents books so hopefully something will come up 🤞.

This happened to my friend a few years ago. The house she'd done up, bought furniture for and loved was taken from her because they weren't married. She had done all the cookng and cleaning for him but ended up with nothing.

Like you she had been unhappy for a while and couldn't believe how brutal he was when she suggested splitting up.

To give you hope she is now so happy. Its taken two years but she has got a new job for a bit more money but the most important thing is that she feels free.

Her ex is miserable as sin.

That's exactly the same has me !!! I literally do everything for him , even cutting the fat off his bacon 🙈...more fool me I guess.
That gives me hope thank you , I know it won't be easy at first but hopefully it'll be worth it....

Find a way to leave and set yourself up.
Then sure, see a solicitor but dont wait for that as your chances are slim of claiming anything.
And be ready for him to try to win you back... when he misses the domestic help. Just say No.

To add perspective to someone doing so much better after leaving - I know a few women who acted on similar sentiment and left in their 50s.
Their lives now are no better - they struggle financially. And the freedom from their partners didn’t make them happier as life became more of a struggle.
Interestingly - their partners moved on very quickly. There seems to be a lot of demand for stable men with own houses. Ridiculous, but it is what it is.
While women in their 50s aren’t as much.

I do think menopause changes have a lot to do with what they went through.

He's already said he's not going to give her anything.

Well stop doing any of that.