Want to end relationship, done with partner extreme snoring -am I selfish?

[Yolo999]

Hi, hoping this may help as it’s eating me up.
I am a mum of 2 teens and split from their dad when they were little (he had an affair). So it’s been me bringing them up with little involvement from their dad. I eventually met my partner on line few years ago, after not wanting to be alone and looking for a life partner esp when my children leave and I retire. To go travelling etc.
All was good, he is fantastic with my girls and it was lovely to have a ‘proper family’. Admittedly he earns a lot and takes us all out for dinner, spoils me and after struggling for years on my own watching money it has been so nice. However over time I noticed our interests can differ, I love walking and he doesn’t. I like to be chilled at home whereas he likes to be off out always doing something. However after a working week, housework, looking after my teens etc I need some downtime. Fast forward his snoring has been very bad…I tried to discuss this early on and it would end with him going mad and to stop going on. To the extent I had to put up, his snoring can be heard from my teens bedroom, when I sit downstairs, his family laugh as his dad is known to be horrendous too. It’s non stop, if I nudge him awake and he turns it just carries on, there is no rest bite. We do not live together and I have no spare room so feel trapped when he stays at my house (coz of the kids). When staying at his I had taken to just driving home early hours just to get some sleep. I then refused to have ‘sleepovers’ during the week as I was suffering, it’s like torture all night. Holiday's have highlighted the serious problem, I remember the 3rd night crying for him to stop snoring as I was so exhausted. I come home hating him. Crunch came end of last year after the most awful night and I am not myself the nxt morning. Grumpy, mad and exhausted & I am normally a happy morning person. My health is not the best & this took its toll after so long I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I therefore finally had it out, I was done -no more. He was so upset, said would get an op and would be done privately but would be a while as not go the money. I said I didn’t want that on me so just go via nhs as once on a list would get one -if needed. (Apparently he has tried everything). So we carried on but refused stay overs & both go home at bedtime. However this has caused lots of distance and I don’t feel connected much. I am tactile and he is not. We had the odd stay over at Xmas etc but it confirmed I can’t cope anymore. It makes me anxious if we stay over at night, I know I will not sleep and hate feeling horrible in the morning. Something snapped in me end of last year at that ‘chat’ and I realised I can’t see a future that I wanted with travelling. My teens are asking about a holiday this year and I can’t think of anything worse with him too. There has been no progress with the drs to resolve the snoring and I am sick of trying to discuss it anymore. Help I feel so selfish but I feel as though I am making excuses not to spend time with him and right now can’t see a long term future. What to do :(

I completely empathise. ‘D’H is the same. I sleep in a separate room to him but his snoring is still loud enough to disturb me at times.

we were away for a week recently and I came home completely exhausted and swearing not to go on holiday again if I need to share a room with him.

I don’t think your being ridiculous at all .
A good nights Sleep is nothing to be snored at x

My ex H snored really bad so I hear you. Its horrible.

Its the worst when you cannot sleep and even worse your DP is being nasty about you mentioning it. Honestly I got the ick and left but there were other things along with my ex snoring, such as excessive drinking, and abuse.

You are fortunate as you have your own place, and no you are not being selfish for wanting to sleep and seeing you have attempted to speak with your DP about his snoring to no avail I would call it a day, not selfish at all.

Thank you for replying @Muchtoomuchtodo What will you do for your holidays going forward?
I have always wanted to jump in a camper van and see places when I retire (15plys years yet) but that would not be possible. I want to be living now, going away with my teens whilst they still want to but that is not going to happen if we stay together

My ex was same. And really touchy about it too. Sent me to the edge of madness with him in denial and a small teething child. I really started to unravel due to lack of sleep.

Finally got him to have first one and then a second operation to have his tonsils removed. None of it made any difference!

Finally got lots of reasons but this being a big factor, I left. His new partner is now sleeping in a separate room to him and is frazzled half l herself.

It's likely not going to get any better.

Thank you for your replies. To add we got engaged 18mths in, been together nearly 3years. It was a total surprise and it caught me off guard but he made such an effort I accepted but at that time I remember his snoring was so bad I was deciding whether to end it. I feel like I will look stupid for getting engaged. He has put on weight obvs snoring is worse but our interests have become so different. Dare I admit I have started getting the ick too

Snoring aside, it sounds like perhaps you're not right for each other anyway - you have different interests and enjoy spending your down time in different ways. This would only become more pronounced if you moved in together.

Omg and this is what scares me most! He has the op and nothing works!! Hope you are enjoying your well deserved sleep after putting up with that :)

It sounds like the relationship has ran its course anyway?

Suppose the snoring were suddenly not an issue - that the operation works, or he gets a CPAP machine, and it goes away completely.

Would you actually want to be together, even then?

Tbh the snoring is enough on its own. Not his fault, but you aren't compelled to stay with anyone. You're not a prisoner.

We do not live together and I have no spare room so feel trapped when he stays at my house.
Then your relationship might be at its end. Especially since you've said you have different downtime interests.

An operation might not solve the problem for long, if it is actually operable. I was told the issue could come back after a couple of years anyway, plus it is an incredibly painful operation to have.

Does he drink excessively? Does he get overtired? Does he have sleep apnea? All these make you sleep deeper, your muscles relax more and so you snore louder.

Does he smoke or very overweight? Both can contribute to the area vibrating more and amplifying the sound.

As a loud snorer, with a loud parent snorer, mine vastly improved when I stopped smoking. It is starting to come back due to my weight creeping up.

Hmm some really good points, appreciate all these responses thank you 🙏
I feel sick as I just don’t know. If I hadn’t got engaged I would have probably ended it when I had my outburst end of last year but we made a commitment and only fair to try. He doesn’t smoke, hardly drinks, has put on weight but always snored terribly. As some of you pointed out we do have different interests but he says that’s ok.
i know some people who stay with the snorer hence I doubt myself but it isn’t just snoring, its interests and I am getting the ick. But I am not very good with relationships, the moment it gets hard I am done and easier on my own. I find it very hard to give myself and haven’t really done since childrens dad

My husband had surgery and it didn’t solve the issue so we have separate rooms now

It’s ‘respite’ not ‘rest bite’ OP … but aside from that, you know that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture? You need your sleep. No one can be expected to put up with this x

I haven’t figured that out @Yolo999 . We have no plans for this year.

His snoring is so loud and persistent. No apnoeas - I wish there were because I think I’d cope with the whooshing of a CPAP machine.

He wears a mouth guard which obviously isn’t effective but he thinks because of that he doesn’t need to try anything else and it’s not his fault. He isn’t doing it on purpose I know, but he really doesn’t appreciate how awful it is and the impact that it has on me. When we were away and I was in tears at how tired I was (we were with a group and there were no spare rooms and it wouldn’t have been appropriate to have slept on the sofa) he asked what I expected him to do about it that week. I said he shouldn’t just be thinking of doing something about it then for the week that we were forced to share a room, if he cared about me it would have been a priority for him to try much harder to get it sorted before we’d gone. He honestly doesn’t get how big the problem is. In all honesty I think it will be this that finishes our marriage.

When someone doesn't understand that your lack of sleep is a really serious matter and gets touchy when you mention the snoring, it's time to accept that there's a part of him that really doesn't care about you the way you want him to.

Yes, end it. Your health is at risk from the disturbed sleep and the anxiety around sleep that is associated with this relationship.

There are lots of ways to travel on your own when you retire.

@Muchtoomuchtodo i really feel for you and sounds very similar to my situation. The tears and that they do not get it! It used to cause such arguments for me bringing it up, so much so I stopped :( But everyone hits a limit.

I hope you find a way through this xx

I think your relationship has sadly run it’s course.
Imagine yourself at 70 with him! You’ll be dead woman walking with exhaustion.

Part company, buy your camper van, join the FB group called “Ladies campervan travel group” and start having some fun.
You go girl! It’s not a rehearsal.

If I hadn’t got engaged I would have probably ended it when I had my outburst end of last year but we made a commitment and only fair to try.

An engagement is not a reason to stay with someone. You would only get married and then end up divorced in a couple of years anyway, so why punish yourself? It is not working, you are allowed to leave at any time, and you are sleep deprived with someone who doesn't want the same future as you. Why???

Thanks @Yolo999 . We muddle along ok at home as I can sleep in a different room. You don’t even have that as an option.

I think I’d be embarrassed to admit to others that I ended our marriage due to snoring but @mathanxiety is right that it shows that deep down they don’t care enough about us and the effects of their snoring.

I think it's fair to end it based on his attitude towards it. He's had 3 years to sort this out and he's made little progress. Not sure what magic op he wants, not heard of one that fixes it unless it's an adenoids issue he has.
Most snoring gets sorted by using a cpap machine overnight. I'd be pretty unimpressed that a person is also putting on weight over the years rather than losing it. It's a proven cause of snoring.
If he gets sleep apnoea that could lead to cardiovascular problems, so he should take it more seriously. If he doesn't even walk as exercise, by the time you retire he may well be in such poor health that he's not fit enough to travel.
When you say he likes going out lots, what is he doing while out? Is he being active or sitting in a pub being less than healthy?

Sleep is more important than any man. It's essential to well-being.

Don’t stay together just because you’re embarrassed about the engagement thing.

It sounds like you can afford to rearrange your life a little to deal with the snoring - eg book a room each when you go on holiday. Maybe put a fold-out bed in your sitting room?

But if you did that and still had the ick, then I guess it’s not worth continuing with.

Measure the decibels of his snoring with an app.

Play death metal at same volume whilst he tries to sleep and see how he likes it.

Just kidding. It's OK to end a relationship for any reason you want.

Has he actually had an exam for the issue yet? As in has any doctor determined what is causing it?