Want to end relationship, done with partner extreme snoring -am I selfish?

[Yolo999]

Hi, hoping this may help as it’s eating me up.
I am a mum of 2 teens and split from their dad when they were little (he had an affair). So it’s been me bringing them up with little involvement from their dad. I eventually met my partner on line few years ago, after not wanting to be alone and looking for a life partner esp when my children leave and I retire. To go travelling etc.
All was good, he is fantastic with my girls and it was lovely to have a ‘proper family’. Admittedly he earns a lot and takes us all out for dinner, spoils me and after struggling for years on my own watching money it has been so nice. However over time I noticed our interests can differ, I love walking and he doesn’t. I like to be chilled at home whereas he likes to be off out always doing something. However after a working week, housework, looking after my teens etc I need some downtime. Fast forward his snoring has been very bad…I tried to discuss this early on and it would end with him going mad and to stop going on. To the extent I had to put up, his snoring can be heard from my teens bedroom, when I sit downstairs, his family laugh as his dad is known to be horrendous too. It’s non stop, if I nudge him awake and he turns it just carries on, there is no rest bite. We do not live together and I have no spare room so feel trapped when he stays at my house (coz of the kids). When staying at his I had taken to just driving home early hours just to get some sleep. I then refused to have ‘sleepovers’ during the week as I was suffering, it’s like torture all night. Holiday's have highlighted the serious problem, I remember the 3rd night crying for him to stop snoring as I was so exhausted. I come home hating him. Crunch came end of last year after the most awful night and I am not myself the nxt morning. Grumpy, mad and exhausted & I am normally a happy morning person. My health is not the best & this took its toll after so long I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I therefore finally had it out, I was done -no more. He was so upset, said would get an op and would be done privately but would be a while as not go the money. I said I didn’t want that on me so just go via nhs as once on a list would get one -if needed. (Apparently he has tried everything). So we carried on but refused stay overs & both go home at bedtime. However this has caused lots of distance and I don’t feel connected much. I am tactile and he is not. We had the odd stay over at Xmas etc but it confirmed I can’t cope anymore. It makes me anxious if we stay over at night, I know I will not sleep and hate feeling horrible in the morning. Something snapped in me end of last year at that ‘chat’ and I realised I can’t see a future that I wanted with travelling. My teens are asking about a holiday this year and I can’t think of anything worse with him too. There has been no progress with the drs to resolve the snoring and I am sick of trying to discuss it anymore. Help I feel so selfish but I feel as though I am making excuses not to spend time with him and right now can’t see a long term future. What to do :(

Actually, you can give snoring as the reason, if it actually is the reason.

Maybe he would rush out and buy a flat with a spare room? How would you feel then? If still not happy, ask yourself why and then you will have your reason.

Loop earplugs saved my marriage.

@Hardlyworking i know, I thought it was funny too 😂

If you're not even enjoying the same things then it sounds like you're not really looking in the same direction, anyhow. That will make the snoring harder to live with.

DH's gets to me so much more when I'm cross with him than when we're rubbing along well together.

My DP snores really badly and the only way I can cope with it is to have white noise playing loudly all night. Either via a bluetooth speaker or via a bluetooth headband which has headphones built it. It's all fabric and I can use it as a sleep mask, it does really help (if you have nothing else to listen out for - I have a baby now so can't use that now).

I think that when you're sleep deprived everything is worse and harder .. it might have been the catalyst but you just need to end it now. Tell him you just can't see a future with a snorer and leave it at that.

Maybe I'm sensitive about this seeing it from the other side - but he is not snoring deliberately so you can't sleep - if he has tried all the different remedies then what else can he do?

My DP told me I snore - I downloaded an app to record myself (as I thought he was being over sensitive) - yes I do snore - I have tried every remedy going, I have found some things work better than others but none are a fail safe and if I have a cold or anything then I snore more - I'm not overweight, don't smoke, having an odd glass of wine doesn't make any difference (tested that) - I cannot help the fact that sometimes I snore. I do not do it to keep DP awake, I wish I could stop but it is not something I have any control over. Sometimes DP snores as well, it doesn't bother me.

We don't live together either, partly because he says he can't sleep well enough. He usually stays over a couple of nights a week - he recognises he won't sleep as well those nights but equally recognises that it is important for our relationship to have time together.

You can of course end your relationship if you don't feel it's working for you but ending it purely because he snores when he has tried different remedies and you refuse to even contemplate one or two nights a week with not as much sleep seems pretty unfair.

Snoring is horrendous.
My DH sleeps in the spare room now.
Totally sympathise OP X

(Not sure if it's a typo but it's respite)

I'm the loud snorer in our relationship. It's horrible when there's really very little you can actually do about it. I'm not sure what you want from him by telling him he's snoring- he knows he just can't change it. He's put himself down for the op so he's really done all he can. So to be honest I can see why he's finding it frustrating when you're bringing it up to him repeatedly when it's out of his control.

I think you need to consider if you actually want to be with him snoring aside. Do you actually love him? If the snoring was resolved would you want to be with him? If the answer is yes, then you need to wait for the op and consider how you use your time together. Have nice dates etc but don't stay the full night at each others houses. If you want to be together long term, consider moving so you've an additional bedroom or more space where one of you can sleep if things get really bad. My dh will wake me if I snore and sometimes that helps, but not always. We have a spare bed in the nursery so he or I can sleep in there if it's really bad or one of us will use the sofa. It's not ideal and I understand why it is so frustrating but I can't really do much more about it.

If you want to end the relationship and the snoring isn't the only issue then end it.

Agree with other posters here - I have use Sleepbuds by Bose for a couple of years now and it truly saved my sanity, but is it just a snoring issue or an everything issue?

Reading the OP it seems that aside from the snoring, you’re not actually that happy in your relationship and you’re staying for the wrong reasons.

People break off engagements every day of the week. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. And being single as you get older isn’t a punishment, it can actually be liberating.

Have a nice holiday with your DC - just nice family time away and with good nights sleep

I think the big issue is the holidays. At a push you can sleep separately at home but that’s not practical when travelling. I have been in a similar position and it is like torture trying to sleep with someone who snores. One of the reasons you wanted to meet someone was so you could travel together and if you can’t do this then there is no future. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed into staying because you are engaged.

You accepted his proposal under the belief that he was going to take action and do something to attempt to stop the snoring.

What he's done is the opposite; gain weight. Which is a known cause of snoring and as you pointed out, has made the problem worse.

He told you he would do something and in fact has done the opposite; you're right to feel angry and misled.

Whilst the snoring itself may or may not be something he can change, he hasn't tried to change it, knowing that it's making you sleep deprived which is literally torturing you.

If he cared about you more, he'd be willing to at least try to stop your torture.

Has he been tested for sleep apnoea? I was snoring SO bad and driving my husband mad. Went to the Dr's and got referred to the sleep clinic, they did a sleep test and it came back I had it. Was given a C-PAP machine and the snoring stopped instantly! If he says he's tried it get him to do another referral in case he didn't meet the threshold then, he might now!!

Forced to cheat?! Have a word with yourself and stop being a dick 🙄

What have I just read?

Wtaf?

@sweetpeasandtea

I don't think you realise what an enormous ask it is to give up sleep twp or three nights a week for the sake of a relationship.

When the snoring is so bad that it can be heard in another room, no remedy is in sight, and the thought of a night together makes the non-snorer anxious, it's time to call it quits.

There are companies you can get a private sleep apnoea assessment for, might solve everything. NHS will be a longer wait but can do private first and buy a machine if he’s well off and serious about the relationship to make it work

Fuck off

Those who say you have bought expensive earplugs, which ones did you buy?

I have just about survived with foam earplugs for the last couple of years, but the snoring is getting worse so I need to up my noise barriers!

Can you still hear your alarm clock in the morning?

My husband snores so badly he has to sleep in the furthest room. But even if he had the op now, i dont know if i could share a bed again! My 5 yr old irritates me and he's quiet. I doubt he would get an op although I really would like him to do a sleep study as I'm not convinced he breathes properly which worries me, I've nagged for many years and he's not been to the gp.

He also sometimes gets all offended about not being able to sleep in the master bedroom. So go to the gp then! I am not able to cope on.broken sleep for an over 50yr old. A small child perhaps. But I will.be an arsehole come morning!

Has he had a proper sleep study done? My DH snored horribly for almost two decades before I told him I just couldn't do it anymore and my health was suffering. We were fighting and I was so irritated with him all the time and so sleep deprived. He finally went to an ENT who found he had a massive sinus infection he had probably had for years. He then had a proper overnight sleep study done and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. It took awhile but he now has a CPAP machine and we are both able to sleep and our marriage got so much better.

Sleep is important and you become a different person when sleep deprived. I had not even realized how much resentment I was carrying towards him until he finally got help for it. Btw, my DH is not overweight at all, but does have asthma which may be a factor. I only mention this as the first Dr he went to said it could not be sleep apnea as that only happens with obese people 🙄 I wish you luck in this struggle. It is such a hard things to deal with as we all must sleep.

I meant to add as well that aunt's (by marriage) father died in his sleep when he was 50 from sleep apnea. It can be very serious and life threatening. Even if you do not stay together, encourage him to be checked out as it can be life or death.

It seems that all could be well except for the snoring.

Encourage him going to his doctor as his life could be in danger.
Use earplugs and go to bed earlier (factor in being awake for a couple of hours) on nights when you are with him.
Buy or rent a CPAP machine. These can be miraculous.
Get an anti snore mouth guard made at dentist.
DP improve diet and do a little exercise if he is over weight.
Does DP drink much alcohol?

A medical check up could help decipher which of these devices might be better, or you could try them all.