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Original poster

If a man says he doesn’t know when he’ll want kids, but I do, will it work?

62 replies

whtdoidooo · 19/01/2024 12:24

Please give me some insights or pearls of wisdom because I’m so torn up over this. I’ve been with my partner for 1 1/2 years, we’re both 30 this year. I already have one daughter who I had at 22 (unplanned but not through “choice” if you see what I mean). I’ve always wanted a family of my own, ideally a partner and 3 kids so it was a no brainer to keep my daughter who is the light of my life, she’s everything to me. As I’ve gotten older and settled with my partner, my body and brain is screaming at me to have more kids and to have that family I’ve always dreamed of.
the problem is, my partner says he “doesn’t know” when he will want kids. He says he “doesn’t not” want a kid and is insistent we will have a kid “one day” but he absolutely can’t tell me when it will be. He also doesn’t know when he will want to get engaged and never brings this up. I’ve pressed for answers for a long time but he is conflict avoidant and will just say he doesn’t know, we leave it and the resentment piles up on my side.
hes accused me of pressuring him but I’ve already tried to walk away due to the uncertainty and not knowing and somehow we’ve always decided to stay together. I’ve always wanted to make it work and I really want us to find a compromise that works for us both, but neither of us can find it :(
I understand that 1.5 years isn’t long to be together, but it’s the fact he can’t give me any indication at all of when he might want to get married and have kids. He also doesn’t take on a very hands on role with my daughter so I just don’t think the family life I want is to be found with him. He’s so insistent he wants us to be together, but it just seems to be on his terms, stretching on indefinitely until he feels ready, and I just get more resentful and unhappy.
is there any hope for us or is the writing on the wall? I love him and want us to be together, but I can’t take this uncertainty. Am I being overdramatic?

OP posts:
EVHead · 19/01/2024 12:25

He’s not the right one for you. Time to move on.

ToastOfBristol · 19/01/2024 12:29

Ditch him. This will not get better and he'll string you along. If he's not ready to have a baby by 30 then he'll never be ready! Don't waste your time.

Loopytiles · 19/01/2024 12:31

1.5 years isn’t long dating.

titchy · 19/01/2024 12:32

Interesting you word it as YOU tried to walk away but WE decided to give it another go.

It sounds like you didn't have much agency when you decided the relationship wasn't working for you. You have full agency you know. If you decide to walk away, that's it. He no longer has any input.

And it does sound like walk away time. He won't commit to marriage. He won't commit to children. He's therefore not really committed to you. Sorry.

Llamadramaa · 19/01/2024 12:34

I was in the exact same situation the other year. As it turns out, I walked away and he was engaged to another person and she was pregnant within a year. I don’t regret walking away. If you want more children that badly then it’s best to find someone who will commit and wants that as much as you do. You deserve better than being strung along by someone like him.

Original poster
whtdoidooo · 19/01/2024 12:35

Thanks for the replies. Yes my concern is that 1.5 years isn’t even that long so maybe we need a bit more time, but how long is enough?
from his perspective it will happen at some point, he was pushing for us to live together and now we’ve moved in to his (which I was fearful to do because I didn’t want to disrupt DDs life if it didjnt work out) and now we’re living together there’s something else he wants to do get out of the way before kids happen. I suppose I’m just going crazy thinking it COULD happen in the next few years etc but also maybe it won’t… it’s just such a mess. I’m completely torn.
I’ve got a house to go back to and financially independent, thank god, if we do break up but it’s just the what ifs are playing with my head

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 19/01/2024 12:37

ToastOfBristol · 19/01/2024 12:29

Ditch him. This will not get better and he'll string you along. If he's not ready to have a baby by 30 then he'll never be ready! Don't waste your time.

Utter nonsense. 30 is very young to be expected to have your whole life mapped out .

BodyKeepingScore · 19/01/2024 12:38

whtdoidooo · 19/01/2024 12:35

Thanks for the replies. Yes my concern is that 1.5 years isn’t even that long so maybe we need a bit more time, but how long is enough?
from his perspective it will happen at some point, he was pushing for us to live together and now we’ve moved in to his (which I was fearful to do because I didn’t want to disrupt DDs life if it didjnt work out) and now we’re living together there’s something else he wants to do get out of the way before kids happen. I suppose I’m just going crazy thinking it COULD happen in the next few years etc but also maybe it won’t… it’s just such a mess. I’m completely torn.
I’ve got a house to go back to and financially independent, thank god, if we do break up but it’s just the what ifs are playing with my head

30 is young. If he was 37 and still saying he wasn't sure "when" then I'd have concerns. You're pressuring him in what is still the early days of your relationship. Most people aren't living together by 1.5 years never mind planning a baby.

HeadacheEarthquake · 19/01/2024 12:40

ToastOfBristol · 19/01/2024 12:29

Ditch him. This will not get better and he'll string you along. If he's not ready to have a baby by 30 then he'll never be ready! Don't waste your time.

The regency period called, they want you home now Wine

LightSwerve · 19/01/2024 12:41

I'd move on, with the hope that you meet someone more sorted. Yes, some are still uncertain at 30 but many are already settled.

You're out of line with each other. You can risk it and see if he catches you up, or you can cut your losses. I think cutting your losses is the better bet.

Tbh this all sounds a bit textbook mess you about.

peachgreen · 19/01/2024 12:43

He also doesn’t take on a very hands on role with my daughter This would be enough to end it, for me.

samestyle · 19/01/2024 12:46

Do you even live together? In my experience not many men jump at the chance to have kids but they normally show some seriousness of moving in together and getting engaged, if there's no talk of this at all, I'd definitely walk away

MrsShortbread · 19/01/2024 12:46

To be living in the same house as your DD but not being hands on would be the deal breaker for me. Why did you rush that part?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 19/01/2024 12:46

If a man says he doesn’t know when he’ll want kids, but I do, will it work?

No.

You'll spend years yearning for something he doesn't want to do, waiting, always wondering if this month or this year will be the one where he's finally going to do it, and resentment will build, then when (if) he's finally ready, if you can't conceive and don't have time/money for IVF, you'll forever feel cheated. Or worst case scenario, when you're both about 40, he suddenly says "actually I don't want kids at all".

You need someone on the same page as you with this.

Olika · 19/01/2024 12:57

You cannot keep waiting for years and then he decides he doesn't wants kids/marriage and you are older and you have less time to make it happen with someone else.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/01/2024 12:59

He’s not ready now and possibly never to be a dad. He’s not even that supportive of your daughter who is living in his home
Massive 🚩

MightyGoldBear · 19/01/2024 13:01

You say he Is conflict avoidant, does this mean he shuts down won't really talk about it just stock phrase I don't know? If so That's a very immature mindset to communication. It deserves to be discussed properly it's a big decision. Bigger for you as women do have a timeframe In which it's possible.

It seems you've made lots of changes to accommodate what has he done to accommodate you and your child? Aside from moving in has he made your child feel welcome?

You say he isn't hands on with your child? He doesn't sound he is mature enough to become a parent/wants to.

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/01/2024 13:03

If he says he doesn't know when he'll want marriage or kids, he is most likely stringing you along. Especially if he was keen for you to live with him.

It looks as though now you're living with him he doesn't see the need to commit to you with marriage and, as you've already got a DC, he doesn't need to have any of his own either. It's all about him and what he wants. Moving in with him was a mistake, but by the sounds of it you've got a house to go back to so I'd really suggest that you do that. Just tell him it doesn't "feel right" to you.

If you want marriage, don't live with someone who doesn't or can't give you any assurance at all. There are plenty of decent men who could tell you how far away they are from wanting marriage and kids at the age of 30. You could continue to see him if you wished after moving out. Personally, I'd let it fizzle after moving out by investing more of my time in activities with DC and things I like to do rather than rushing round to spend time with him.

Broodywuz · 19/01/2024 13:03

You should leave! If you said you were both about to turn 20, i would say 1.5 years is a very short time to be together give it time but at almost 30 if he's saying that now I would bet he'll just string you along with that forever and it'll never happen!

Original poster
whtdoidooo · 19/01/2024 13:03

MrsShortbread · 19/01/2024 12:46

To be living in the same house as your DD but not being hands on would be the deal breaker for me. Why did you rush that part?

Because when we lived apart it seemed like he was quite hands on. We had such amazing fun days out all together. I wanted to believe, I finally was getting those family days out I craved and my soul felt fulfilled. He would look after her if I needed to nip out etc. so I assumed it would be fine when we lived together. It started with the little things. Him getting tea but it turned out it was just a meal for us two and nothing for DD. Him having days off work and never offering to help me with the pickup to save me a big trip from work. Never helping with her reading, her homework. He kept forgetting to say goodnight to her for gods sake. The more I write it out the more sad I feel. He opened up his house to us and turned the spare room into her bedroom but maybe that’s just the bare minimum. I feel like he only wanted us to move in because he didn’t want to be the one to give up his house and be the one who had to rent it out. Now I’m trapped in this situation, I’ve paid for works to be done to my house to make it rentable because he wouldn’t leave his house. I’m just exhausted. Typing it out it just sounds so bad and my heart hurts for my little girl who deserves a proper stepdad.

OP posts:
zurala · 19/01/2024 13:05

I got with my husband when I was 32, we married after 19 months and I was eight months pregnant on our first anniversary.

1.5 years is a long time if you are sure about the person and your plans. OP, your partner isn't sure about you and might never be. Time to move on.

zurala · 19/01/2024 13:07

I just read your update. I'm sorry, you need to move back into your house and bin him. He's lied to you. I'm sorry, I don't know why men are like this but so many are.

Loopytiles · 19/01/2024 13:07

Don’t think it was a good decision to move in so soon. With your drip feed suggest moving back out.

cheezncrackers · 19/01/2024 13:10

1.5 years isn't that long, but when you're with the right person and you know you want to marry and have a family one day it's normal to talk about the timescale for that IMO. You're only 30 and you have time, but I fear if you stay with this guy he'll just waste it, because he doesn't sound committed to you or your DD or having a family with you. Your feelings matter, as does your timescale for having more kids. If this guy isn't on the same page as you, I'd cut your losses asap.

HalloumiGeller · 19/01/2024 13:10

1.5 years is nothing though, seriously.

You're not even 30 yet, so you actually have loads of time. I met my partner 4.5 years ago and we only decided last year that we were going to have a baby together (I already have 2) and I'm now 23 weeks gone. As for marriage, we both want it but I'm in no rush for a proposal, it will happen if/when it happens.

I personally think you need to chill out a bit, as that's alot of pressure for a relatively short relationship. You could leave him and then not find anyone else for years that you actually want to do these things with.

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