If a man says he doesn’t know when he’ll want kids, but I do, will it work?

[whtdoidooo]

Please give me some insights or pearls of wisdom because I’m so torn up over this. I’ve been with my partner for 1 1/2 years, we’re both 30 this year. I already have one daughter who I had at 22 (unplanned but not through “choice” if you see what I mean). I’ve always wanted a family of my own, ideally a partner and 3 kids so it was a no brainer to keep my daughter who is the light of my life, she’s everything to me. As I’ve gotten older and settled with my partner, my body and brain is screaming at me to have more kids and to have that family I’ve always dreamed of.
the problem is, my partner says he “doesn’t know” when he will want kids. He says he “doesn’t not” want a kid and is insistent we will have a kid “one day” but he absolutely can’t tell me when it will be. He also doesn’t know when he will want to get engaged and never brings this up. I’ve pressed for answers for a long time but he is conflict avoidant and will just say he doesn’t know, we leave it and the resentment piles up on my side.
hes accused me of pressuring him but I’ve already tried to walk away due to the uncertainty and not knowing and somehow we’ve always decided to stay together. I’ve always wanted to make it work and I really want us to find a compromise that works for us both, but neither of us can find it :(
I understand that 1.5 years isn’t long to be together, but it’s the fact he can’t give me any indication at all of when he might want to get married and have kids. He also doesn’t take on a very hands on role with my daughter so I just don’t think the family life I want is to be found with him. He’s so insistent he wants us to be together, but it just seems to be on his terms, stretching on indefinitely until he feels ready, and I just get more resentful and unhappy.
is there any hope for us or is the writing on the wall? I love him and want us to be together, but I can’t take this uncertainty. Am I being overdramatic?

I don’t know. She has always said she wants us to be together but I think that’s because we do fun days out and she likes to feel like she’s part of a family too, as she never had a traditional two parent dynamic until now. It’s all a bit of a mess, I just never thought it’d end like this.

You know the answer to this yourself don’t you.

Both you and your daughter deserve better than this. He neither wants to commit to you, your daughter or a potential future child.

Don’t waste any more time on this man. It’s scary to be alone but you will find someone who wants what you want.

You were the prize. He was incentivised to engage with your child to get you. Now he has you, he has no incentive to engage with your child.

He also believes you are the best option of all the women he has access too. The child to him is an inconvenience he will tolerate, to have you. He doesn't want children and he doesn't want marriage. Children decreases his life mobility and increases his responsibilities. Marriage risks the assets and resource he entered the relationship with. He doesn't believe you wouldn't walk out on him at some point, were you to marry. Basic self protection.

You believe he is the best option of all the men you have access to, plus he's exciting and a challenge. And you're emotionally invested in him. He presents the security of owning his own asset, whilst the uncertainty is keeping you hooked, determined to stick it out until he changes his mind. He's not a push over, which is a masculine cue, but he is not going to marry you and knock you up. Unless you dump him.

Men, in this situation, will not take on the burden and risk of marriage and fatherhood unless you leave. If deep down he is attached to you but wants to minimise risk to himself, that self protection will fly out the window and he'll propose the next day and knock you up the next week. If not, he'll let you leave without a fuss.

The only challenge here is, do you have the girl balls to walk out on him and see what he does. He's not changing his mind otherwise. And Anything other than YES means NO. He's told you indirectly he's not giving you what you want. So, the choice is yours.

1.5 years isn't long, but he should still know if he wants kids one day and roughly by what age. If he can't have a conversation about that then it might not work out in the long run.

In a lot of ways, this is far better than a 30 year old thst says he wants them at 33 and then st 33, it's 35 etc.

Most people have an idea of when they would like kids, a broad timeline, before 30, max 35 or latest 40 etc. Not saying these times lines work out for people but you can't really be a grownass adult and have no idea.

1.5 years is early un a relationship. And a No 30yo male has an urgency to rush into anything at that age. So - on that basis - he is just being honest.
He likes you and wants to continue dating. And living together, i presume.

Your expectation that he picks up and start seeking out taking on parenting responsibilities - are unfair and unrealistic. She is your child.
If you want him yo help more - ask and see how he reacts. But expecting him to think of your pickups, or do homework - is not quite fair. He has never had to be responsible for a child. He isn’t even her stepfather.
As to not saying goodnight to her - seems a petty thing you are picking on as you are annoyed with him. If g’nights are important to you - isn’t it your DD who should say it before going to her room?
This is what mine do. Or don’t.

But your life is yours. You don’t have to live on his schedule. Resentment seems to already be building up - so maybe leave before it gets worse?

Imo after 1.5 years of dating I knew if he was ‘the one’ and I knew I wanted children with him. Didn’t happen for a long while after that but I was clear on the future with him.

Dh was never clear on the when with kids, I had to put a timeline in with the clear message I would leave if he didn’t want kids within that. I accepted he could say no he accepted I would leave, both valid choices.

if you are specific on what you want you have to be prepared to let him go if that isn’t what he wants.

Also be prepared that he could want a child/marriage with someone else in the timeline you offered, in which case you were not his ‘the one’ and you dodged a bullet having a child with him because it would have gone tits up. basically you are worth someone who values you.

fyi I would have walked the day he made dinner for you both but not your child

Your DD and you are both worth more than this.

it does sound like you are in different places. You want to fast forward to family life and he doesn’t. Neither of you are unreasonable there, though you may be incompatible.

but he asked you and your DD to move into his home and now he’s ignoring and excluding her.

Thats not good enough for you or her.

she might say she wants you to be together. But she’s probably telling you what she thinks you want to hear. it’s not her responsibility to tell you he’s a shit. You’re the adult and the parent.

maybe also, when you are hungry the crumbs someone offers you seem better than nothing.

but you and her are worth the full hand made sandwich.

that means you putting her first. Anyone that’s right for you and will want to grow a family with, you will too.

That ain’t this guy.

sorry

You said he doesn't want you to go. At this point who cares what he wants. He didn't make your daughter dinner when he made dinner for the 2 of you?! Move back to your home and tell him it's not working out. He is a shit

I feel extremely sorry for your daughter, who has had her life uprooted to move in with a man who treats her at best as an afterthought.

And I wonder why you are so desperate to marry and have a child with him knowing this.

You should be wondering how you can make life better for the daughter you already have, not pining for more with a man who clearly doesn't want them.

My partner treats my daughter as his own always has done from day one. Will pick her up from school and take her if needed or if he is in the area at school time after he's finished work himself, Helps do homework and does her dinner/lunch/breakfast if I'm not around. He stepped right up to the plate and there wasn't a discussion he just did it. He's more of a dad than her own dad. Like fuck would I still be with someone that made no effort with my daughter. A year and a half is still early into a relationship imo to be deciding if you want children. I think it's different for you as you have already had one. Wether he wants kids or not fuck him off he's not ready to be a step dad let alone a dad.