If a man says he doesn’t know when he’ll want kids, but I do, will it work?

[whtdoidooo]

Please give me some insights or pearls of wisdom because I’m so torn up over this. I’ve been with my partner for 1 1/2 years, we’re both 30 this year. I already have one daughter who I had at 22 (unplanned but not through “choice” if you see what I mean). I’ve always wanted a family of my own, ideally a partner and 3 kids so it was a no brainer to keep my daughter who is the light of my life, she’s everything to me. As I’ve gotten older and settled with my partner, my body and brain is screaming at me to have more kids and to have that family I’ve always dreamed of.
the problem is, my partner says he “doesn’t know” when he will want kids. He says he “doesn’t not” want a kid and is insistent we will have a kid “one day” but he absolutely can’t tell me when it will be. He also doesn’t know when he will want to get engaged and never brings this up. I’ve pressed for answers for a long time but he is conflict avoidant and will just say he doesn’t know, we leave it and the resentment piles up on my side.
hes accused me of pressuring him but I’ve already tried to walk away due to the uncertainty and not knowing and somehow we’ve always decided to stay together. I’ve always wanted to make it work and I really want us to find a compromise that works for us both, but neither of us can find it :(
I understand that 1.5 years isn’t long to be together, but it’s the fact he can’t give me any indication at all of when he might want to get married and have kids. He also doesn’t take on a very hands on role with my daughter so I just don’t think the family life I want is to be found with him. He’s so insistent he wants us to be together, but it just seems to be on his terms, stretching on indefinitely until he feels ready, and I just get more resentful and unhappy.
is there any hope for us or is the writing on the wall? I love him and want us to be together, but I can’t take this uncertainty. Am I being overdramatic?

Oh and I'm 39 BTW

I am very single here and do you think at my age there will be a man for me

You are asking the completely wrong question here.

You want children, now. At your stage of life that is reasonable, appropriate, understandable etc
You have a partner not willing to commit to anything now.
You are basically incompatible now.

The questions you should always be asking in these big life issues is what do I want? and How do I make that happen? Find someone else ??

He’s not a very nice stepdad is he? Can’t even be bothered to say goodnight to your little girl? That would concern me more than not setting firm plans for the future.

That's really terrible how you describe your daughter (born out of rape) and then you say you want a family of your own. I'm guessing your daughter is not in your life, in which case why bother adding his info to the story? If she is in your life - it's clear from what you've written, that she isn't your family ideal. Odd and confusing.

I usually agree that an awful lot of guys are time wasters in this respect. All the ‘I’m not sure if/when I’ll be ready’ stuff and generally stringing the woman along.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. You’ve only been together 18 months. You say you’ve been going on about marriage and kids for a while. Maybe it’s been too much l, too soon for him?

I also wouldn’t expect a boyfriend of 18 months to be ‘hands on’ with my child. That’s not appropriate.

You’re not even 30 yet. Why are you in such a hurry? You can’t force the perfect little family.

putting aside the not wanting to give you an answer regarding future children/marriage, I would be more concerned about his attitude to your daughter. He doesn’t see you both as a package. It sounds like he only wants you, & all these “family” trips were to reel you in. He probably does like your daughter, or he wouldn’t have invited you both to live with him, but he probably see’s her as just your’s & for you to attend to all her needs.

Eh? I wrote in my post she’s the absolute love of my life and very much in my life. I mentioned the bit about r*pe to provide context to the circumstances around our family dynamic, but the negative intonation you read into it is a projection on your part I’m afraid. As it happens, I consider the incident the turning point in my life and am at peace with it all.

That's not at all what she said!
This is really not an okay comment to make

Thanks for your perspective. I agree, it’s not something that can be rushed and I am conscious that he is feeling pressured/rushed.
thats why I’m so uncertain, but maybe it’s just an incompatibility issue- I’m ready, he’s not. He’s just messaged me saying he definitely doesn’t want them “in the next year” so yeah.
I think I’m going to get these works done to my house and then just move back to my house with DD and take it from there. Maybe go to couples counselling and see if anything gives but I just need some space. I am starting to see I shouldn’t have moved when I had doubts

Kittylala
That's really terrible how you describe your daughter (born out of rape) and then you say you want a family of your own. I'm guessing your daughter is not in your life, in which case why bother adding his info to the story? If she is in your life - it's clear from what you've written, that she isn't your family ideal. Odd and confusing

Did you even read OP's posts? Unkind and judgmental on your part Kittylaka

It's really never a good idea to wait it out and hope for the best when it comes to something as crucial and existential as wanting children.
You know you do. He doesn't.
You have basically 2 choices.

1. Accept that he may never want children, may never be the kind of stepdad you want him to be, and take peace in that, not knowing what the future will bring. If he ever changes his mind, fine. But if not, you're okay with it not happening.
2. Realise that you want a partner who can tell you right now that he knows he wants kids some day once the relationship has developed enough, and decide he's not that person for you. In which case you can only leave him and move back out with your daughter.

Seriously though, women everywhere need to stop waiting for the men in their lives to change until they become the right man. 100% of the time this leads to disappointment.

That is incredibly inappropriate and an inaccurate representation of what @whtdoidooo wrote.

No, you're not being over dramatic. You know what you want and that is entirely valid. Our culture gaslights women into doubting themselves. Your partner is banking on you making the compromise. It doesn't sound like you're able to willingly do that.

A split may be the only way to test what is more important to each of you. A note of caution - I have seen many women make this compromise only to find the man is never ready (tho in one case they eventually split and he was miraculously 'ready' within months of being with a new partner).

IME when a man meets the right partner, he's 'ready' to do whatever it takes to make her happy, but that's me with my Mills & Boon glasses on 🫣

He says he “doesn’t not” want a kid and is insistent we will have a kid “one day” but he absolutely can’t tell me when it will be. Saying 'he doesn't not want kids' is very different from saying 'I want kids'.

He also doesn’t know when he will want to get engaged and never brings this up. Does he actually want to get engaged? Have you had a direct conversation about it?

Just copying back a few of your own words back for you, I think you know the answer to your own post:

the resentment piles up on my side.

I just don’t think the family life I want is to be found with him.

The more I write it out the more sad I feel.

In short probably not.

You are probably a lot more mature and "further on" in life than your partner as you already have a child and have had to step up as a parent. Where as, having a child is just not on his agenda yet at age 30. He may really like your DC and enjoy the days out but perhaps he feels he doesn't want to over step boundaries or has a bit of trepidation in taking on a more "hands on" role with "your" child.
I would want to discuss this (if you want to try to save the relationship). If he can't take your DD into his heart or want to work at building a great relationship with her then that would be a deal breaker. Does he say he loves you and wants a future with your both even if he is not ready for his own dc? His relationship with your DD would need to be very strong and bonded before you have a child with him anyway as I would worry he would treat your child and the child you have together differently which would be heartbreaking for your DD. I do think you are running too fast and there are serious issues.

I think it is a red flag that he got you to move into his house, his space (not yours or a new place that is for you all). Less disruption and cost for him if things don't pan out and he has more control that way too. I think when you have a child you need to put them first above romantic relationships - so I think your instinct is totally right - move back to your own place when you can. I hope the works to make your house up to code for renting weren't too expensive. Give your DC stability and concentrate on the joy they bring you.

Him getting tea but it turned out it was just a meal for us two and nothing for DD.

Jeeze - what did you say to that move?
Don't you think you're a little desperate, so letting red flags pass by?

Not uncommon for men not to be as interested in having kids. You need to move on and find someone who is ready for them.

The "ready someday" is a combination of him not wanting to break up and society telling him he will want kids some day. There is no guarantee that he will want them and deep down he does know this.

OP, why do you want so little for you and your DD?

When I read that he made dinner for just the two of you, and not your DD, I felt that. That is disgusting and your DD will notice this, even if you dont think she will not, she does notice.

Dont teach her that she is not worth dinner, affection of a loving relationship.

That alone would make me pick my things up and leave, for good.

You do not own an explanation to him if YOU decide to leave. NO is a whole sentence.

Also, can you imagine if the right individual is out there for you, who willingly will plan a future that includes all you desired but you decided to stay with your current situation, and you would loose out on a good thing?

You own it to your DD to show her what love is, and that aint it.

He has told you loud and clear how HE feels you and your DD should be treated, let that sink in. Having DC with such a man, I mean, why?

He will always tell you what you want to hear as long as he is getting what he needs. Some men are just that selfish.

1.5 years is nothing. You're not even 30. Chill out and enjoy yourselves, stop pestering him.

I would move on because he is not for you. Not fair on either of you. Go online dating and disclaim your exact plans or wants so that you do not waste any more time. There are dating agencies that would built your profile and match you with a person who is looking for the same. A friend of mine got her husband this way and she is really happy. 😊

From his point of view: he’s only 1.5 years into a relationship with a woman with a child that isn’t his and she’s trying to tie him down into having another two kids and then presumably marriage etc. He’s only about 30 so still very young and has options and lots of life to live before he needs to give all that up. He’s opened up his home and is getting grief for not doing more and settling down further.

You’re at very different stages of life, in his position I would be the same as him.

He doesn’t sound sure about you or your DD to be brutally honest. You wouldn’t be posting here if you didn’t know what to do. You know it’s time to walk away- it’s just about you being ready for it. It’s hard. But you’re only 30! Plenty of time to find the one and have more kids!

Oh no I get that, but when I’ve tried to walk away he’s always been upset and doesn’t want to let me go at all. He’s come home and bought me bought me flowers after me telling him I think I need to move back home… but he’s completely free to live his life, explore his options. I’ve told him this and said he might be better suited to someone who doesn’t want (and already has) kids. The issue is he doesn’t want us to break up at all, so then it’s kind of on me to break this cycle we’re in as he just won’t.