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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think this is the final straw

56 replies

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:21

It's a long story, fraught with winter vomiting, food allergies and a trip to barcelona. But today, after all of this and being ready and packed to leave tomorrow morning, dh rings up and says things are so bad at work that he can't go away with us.
Since moving away from my hometown 6 years ago, I have always felt that dh's work is the be all and end all for him. It is an industry full of single men, so there is no fmaily friendlyness, as I have found out since having ds.
He works long hours and frequently out of hours too. He is constantly in a bad mood because of work stress.
i have tried being supportive, and making his home life secure and supportive, and not complaining when he has to work outside of normal hours. but that just seems to encourage him to work more, rather than getting him to spend time with the family.
so now I am fed up of it. always missing ds's bedtime, having to cancel plans becasue he has to work. and now having to cancel a holiday that has been booked since october.
I really am not willing to do it anymore. I would rather bring up ds alone than be constant second fiddle to dh's job.

I don't expect anyone to reply really, I just need to vent.
and

OP posts:

magnolia74 · 19/03/2008 11:22

Can you not go without dh?

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:24

I dont think I'd cope alone tbh
ds is 14 months, with food allergies. It would be difficult for me on my own. the food allergies just mean that there is something else for me to stress about, they are't hard in themselves.

OP posts:

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:27

sorry, the food allergies also mean I have a rucksack of food he can eat to take with me, along with a suitcase and a hand-luggage rucksack. and a buggy. there's no way I can deal with that alone, nor the stress of it all.

OP posts:

boudoiricca · 19/03/2008 11:27

Call him on it. Sit him down and tell him exactly what you're feeling. I bet he has no idea you've reached this point.

Am sure there's still time to do things to fix this - change of company, position, jobs...? Is it in his personality to be so work focussed or did it come with this position?

boudoiricca · 19/03/2008 11:28

Does he realise you can't go without him?

TotalChaos · 19/03/2008 11:29

I'ld be seriously pissed off with him too. Would be a shame if you missed out on the trip completely.

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:30

I have told him. when he first started, there was a man in a similar position to that which he is in now. he worked every weekend in the summer holidays and missed his daughters birthday. his wife was really pissed off.
I told dh then - we are never getting to that stage.

I have told him, but he says work wont cope without him.

OP posts:

Flynnie · 19/03/2008 11:33

Hugs for you. You need to tell him what you are feeling. To cancel a holiday the day before you are due to go is not on. Is his job that important that he is indispensable for a few days?

HappyWoman · 19/03/2008 11:36

I think you need to go alone - however hard it will be. It sounds as if you are a single parent anyway so even though this would be hard it would show him that you can cope without him and that he is missing out big time.

By being the martyar you are not getting anywhere. I used to feel i could not cope and in fact had never been on holiday alone. Last year i went to the US with 4 yes 4 children alone as h could not get all the time off work. It was hard but i really felt fantastic that i had done it. It was the first time i had ever driven abroad too and i had to find my way around alone too.

You can do it - dont let him ruin your life anymore.
Dont threaten to be a single parent to him if you are not going to do anything about it.

I bet he will see that you are having a great time and will then decide that he has to change if he wants to join in.

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:37

omg. i think you might be right,
but I am really scared

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 19/03/2008 11:42

" he says work wont cope without him"

That's pathetic! Sorry but it is He needs to do something about that if it's true. No organisation can cope long term being so dependent on any one person. But your family does need him and no-one else will do for that.

Go without him. You can do it. I don't blame you for being scared, but you have to try.

WinkyWinkola · 19/03/2008 11:45

You must go alone. Don't let his work rule both your lives.

Then, when you get back, tell him that you managed just fine but also that you don't feel he is really part of your family anymore. Maybe he needs a bit of a shock.

I'm not sure there's any job that can't be left for a few days. OK, specialist heart surgeon maybe. He's not one of those, is he?

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:50

how will i cope with all of those bags and a buggy?
what if ds gets ill - we have just been through winter vomiting and it wasnt nice.
what if I can't find food for ds to eat?
how can I do this on my own?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 19/03/2008 11:50

At the end of the day he was suddenly hospitalised (or worse) his work would have to cope without him. It is a lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He may actually gain more respect by saying no this is my holiday it is booked I am going otherwise his work will always pur higher and higher expectations on him.

Can you say which/which type of industry it is?

magnolia74 · 19/03/2008 11:51

Of course you can go alone, People at the airport will help don't worry.
I think for you to leave dh behind is the only way he may realise just what he is doing by always puting work first.

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:51

agree about his work putting higher and higher expectations on him
he works in computer games

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 19/03/2008 11:52

You DO need to go alone. Build up your self confidence and feel strong in your own right. It will be less important then what he does, and what the out come of this is. And I agree he may look at you in a different light. I took 3 kids skiing on my own in January, it was tough but I managed. You can manage too....

magnolia74 · 19/03/2008 11:52

Where are you going?

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:52

we are going to barcelona

OP posts:

CarGirl · 19/03/2008 11:52

are you going with a tour operator, staying at a hotel?? People will try and help you. Remember you can unpack your dh's stuff which gives you more space to take food with you etc

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:53

omg i am terrified!
but I think I will do it...

OP posts:

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:54

funnily enough none of dh's stuff is packed already.. .

we are staying in an apartment I booked online.

i might make the stay a shorter one by a day or two. then it will ease a bit of pressure...

OP posts:

CarGirl · 19/03/2008 11:55

It's only Barcelona it will fine, honest!!!! YOu want one trolly suitcase (that will be checked in) one piece of handluggage - if it's a backpack so much the better and your buggy

themildmanneredbunny · 19/03/2008 11:55

computer games?
so he is not saving lives then?
then they can do without him.
he is taking the piss.

you can go alone-you absolutely can go alone.

i do think you shouldn't have to though and i think you need to put your foot down. as someone said if work cotton on to the fact that he is willing to sacrifice his time like this, they will push it further and further and further.

magnolia74 · 19/03/2008 11:55

Ok, Airport may be a bit stressful but only take what you need. There will be someone at the airport who can help if you need it, just ask.

Ds will hopefully not get ill but they have doctors in Barcelona don't panic!

He is 14 months yes? What foods does he need with regards to his allergies?

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