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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think this is the final straw

56 replies

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:21

It's a long story, fraught with winter vomiting, food allergies and a trip to barcelona. But today, after all of this and being ready and packed to leave tomorrow morning, dh rings up and says things are so bad at work that he can't go away with us.
Since moving away from my hometown 6 years ago, I have always felt that dh's work is the be all and end all for him. It is an industry full of single men, so there is no fmaily friendlyness, as I have found out since having ds.
He works long hours and frequently out of hours too. He is constantly in a bad mood because of work stress.
i have tried being supportive, and making his home life secure and supportive, and not complaining when he has to work outside of normal hours. but that just seems to encourage him to work more, rather than getting him to spend time with the family.
so now I am fed up of it. always missing ds's bedtime, having to cancel plans becasue he has to work. and now having to cancel a holiday that has been booked since october.
I really am not willing to do it anymore. I would rather bring up ds alone than be constant second fiddle to dh's job.

I don't expect anyone to reply really, I just need to vent.
and

OP posts:

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:56

I am scared of putting ds's food in the check-in luggage incase it gets lost. then we wtill be totally stuck for his foods...

OP posts:

magnolia74 · 19/03/2008 11:57

But you would have done that anyway even if dh was coming with you.

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 11:57

he is allergic to dairy soya and eggs.
so he can't have bread or butter or any dairy.
so I am taking some bread (soy-free) and dairy free marge and his milk. as well as allergy free snacks

OP posts:

magnolia74 · 19/03/2008 11:59

Ok take them, the likelyhood is they will not get lost but Barcelona will have big supermarkets like we do, you will find what you need honestly

Taweret · 19/03/2008 11:59

Phone the airline and speak to them about the food.
Check with them exactly what will happen, so you don't have any worries before you go.
You and DS will have a lovely time.

And as for not coping without your DH's help - it sounds like you are already doing that.

Use the time away to assess what you want to say to your DH when you get back.
He needs to have a long, hard look at his priorities.

And I hope you have a lovely holiday.

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 12:01

fuck! ds still has bad diarrhoea.
he is going to the doctors today.
if he gets the all clear to travel, we will go alone. if not, I will stay with friends somewhere else.
the decision in the doctors hands!

OP posts:

Baffy · 19/03/2008 12:07

I think I am going to go against the grain here.

My H and I separated over a year ago now and I have done a few holidays alone with ds. But you know what, it can be really hard. And lonely at times.
One day, I was desperate for a wee, and I couldn't find a toilet for ages, then the one I did find couldn't fit the pram in, and it was absolutely disgusting! I thenn had to take ds out of the pram, and hold him on my knees whilst hovering over the toilet and trying to stop him from grabbing the door which had no lock on.... I just collapsed onto the floor and broke down!
Some things are hard alone. Especially with a lo in a pram.

It can be done. And it can be wonderful spending that quality time alone with your child. But only if you're 100% ready for that. And if you've really accepted that this is the way forward, as a single parent.

As much as you do feel like a single parent a lot of the time already, I really don't think you are ready for that from reading your posts.

You are already stressing. You will miss him. You need his support. The luggage can be an issue. The food problems will make it even harder. I certainly struggled in France with just ds, the pram, and 1 suitcase.

If I were you I would say to him...

Ok, your job can't do without you.

Well, you're wife and child can't do this holiday without you either.

So choose.

Really - you shouldn't have to come second best to his job. Am so for you.

gillybean2 · 19/03/2008 12:45

Luggage practicalities, you can manage that amount of luggage. You can push the buggy with one hand, you can fit your carry on under the buggy. You will be able to take your buggy right to the plane and they will bring it back for you when you get off.

You then get a manageable suitcase on wheels, this you pull with the other hand. Only take what you really need, put a spare change of clothes for you both in the carry on. The food you need to take put in a rucksack and have that on your back. Not sur eyou need to check it unless you have a lot of hand luggage. Presumably you've already spoken to the airline re the milk as you can only carry a small amount of liquid on board. Put the rest in your luggage.

If you are struggling with the suitcase and the buggy remember you only have to get from your transport to the check in desk and from the luggage collection point to your onward transport. It is not that far really and you can ask for assistance.

Gilly

CountessDracula · 19/03/2008 12:47

my dh tried to do this to me once

I told him it was his job or me and dd (he chose us ) AND i now insist that he takes an extra day's holiday before any holiday to ensure that he is not snappy and horrible due to having to work so hard leading up to the holiday

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 12:58

my sisters husband is just like this - in 20 years of marriage I can't recall a holiday when he didn't either cancel or come home early. She used to go on her own with the kids. It was a princaple for her that she never colluded with his sense of importance and that the whole family would not kow-tow to the demands of his job. However he earned huge amounts of money and at teh end of the day she decided she wanted the money enough to put up with teh hours his job required to earn that money.

Ask you husband if he is so essential to his job, how many of his colleagues will be caring for him when he is sick or elderly because at this rate, he won't have a family who care enough to do it either.

I hate the attitude that work can't manage without you. They can. They did before you got there and they will afetr you leave. And if they really, really can't - then you arent paid enough.

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 13:01

I'm singel I brought my baby back from Kazakhstan with both our luggage on my own. You can do it you are just scared (understandably) but why are you scared? If you are adult enough to have a child, then you are adult enough to have a few days holiday in a European country with that child.

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 13:03

alternatively why not chose to go somewhere easier for just the two of you. Howabout a Centreparcs break or somewhere in the UK - you might get a good deal on a short notice holiday in the UK.

Seabright · 19/03/2008 13:04

Don't forget, southern-European's tend to be much more child friendly than we are, so he will probably be spoilt rotten wherever you go!

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 13:04

just realised its easter so you may not -

Your DH is a gullible berk if her is going to work over Easter. I have been made redundant twice from fairly senior positions - the fact that I worked like a slave really wasn;t relevant to them once they'd made the decision.

themildmanneredbunny · 19/03/2008 13:05

if you cancel this close to the holiday just because dh is busy you will lose all your money too.

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 13:06

I have given dh an ultimatum - he said all hell is breaking loose and he can't possibly go with us.
I am noticing little things though, like how I did all the organising, none of his things are packed. Although he has said he wanted to go, and was enthusiatic about it at the time of booking, I don't think he really cares.
It is doubtful I will go to spain alone, since ds has had more diarrhoea, and also with the hassle of his food allergies, eczema flare AND sickness.
But I am inthe process of arranging to spend the long weekend with a friend in the opposite side of the country.
then dh can do all the work he likes...

(and to top it all, our house sale just fell through!!!!! )

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 19/03/2008 13:17

If your friend can have you for a longer perhaps it will focus your dh's priorities a little should you go for the weekend and simply stay a little longer because you're too busy to come home... Just a thought!

3NAB · 19/03/2008 13:18

If you have paid for 2 adults can't you take someone else in DH's place?

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 13:20

3nab - the only adults I can ask have kids too. and it is kind of short notice. mum has d&v (caught from us ), otherwise she would have come with me.

I am thinking of staying all week in 1 place or another - I have 2 weeks off work for easter. just thinking of who else I can stay with...

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 19/03/2008 13:20

I can come my DS is two....

CarGirl · 19/03/2008 13:21

I know someone else who currently works in the same industry and I know things aren't going well however being at work over Easter weekend isn't going to stop him being made redundant if that is what it comes to.....

3NAB · 19/03/2008 13:24

Your mum might be better by then......

themildmanneredbunny · 19/03/2008 13:25

they're meant to be going tomorrow.

i can't believe he would cancel a holiday that leaves tomooorw!!!

can you afford to lose the money?

Original poster

ratbunny · 19/03/2008 13:26

that is tempting kew!
can you get to stansted for 6am

thb, I am going to get ds checked out first, as I am not sure about taking him away when he is ill.

OP posts:

Baffy · 19/03/2008 14:22

If ds isn't well then maybe you're doing the right thing in not going. But totally agree that getting away for however long you can, and leaving him to it, is a good idea.

Tbh though, with people like him, I doubt it would have much of an effect.

The break will do you good though. And give you some much needed thinking time.

Don't feel pressured into going abroad alone though. Honestly. I know people mean well, and lots of people do cope and do have a fantastic time alone with their children. But you really do have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. And I don't care what anyone says, it can be lonely. And it can be hard work. Some people cope better than others. We're all different.

If you want to do it, then by all means go for it. But it has to be a decision you're happy with. So that you can face those 'challenging' moments with a positive smile. And not end up a blubbering wreck like I did!!

I'm sorry about the house sale too

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