What does it mean to be asked to make the decision

[PbSandwiches]

What does it mean if a partner who’s been found out (he cheated years ago) keeps asking you to make a decision if you want to stay or go in the marriage

Yes definitely should be more apologetic and grovel

I wouldn't want to stay with someone so nonchalant about losing his wife and family , how strange !

Did you ask him if it's definitely one off years ago ? i'd be suspicious now that he kept on cheating , but in any scenario how bizarre not be be bothered about losing you , unless he is adamant you won't leave him ..

This

Yeah I asked him a lot of times if there’s anything else or any others cause I’d never know he said definitely not

probably knows I won’t leave him due to the kids - but still hurts that he should be

He doesn't want you to keep bringing it up.

If you decide to stay, you won't be welcome to mention it again because 'you made the decision to stay'

2 years in to exclusivity? I wouldn’t forgive that.

I think that's what you say, that potentially you could get over a ONS when you were early dating and even the fact he's kept it from you for all these years, but the bit you are struggling with the most is his reaction to you now. Put the ball back in his court

I don’t get it. If it’s a confession of one during dating stage why is it such a big deal? It’s not a long term affair years after a commitment was made?

@SgtJuneAckland thanks

Yeah it is
obviously I’m in shock
but he’s just gone super quiet too

I'd get impression my DH is hoping i will say that i can't forgive that and want a divorce .

Nope nor would I. Drunken one stand where he conveniently forgets everything.

Trouble is now OP has history with him
and DC.

This is exactly what it means. It's always what it means.

You know the story of the house that is built on sand and the one built on rocks?

Her relationship is built on sand. It's not the relationship she knew or thought it was. It's something different.

Had she known at the time, she most likely wouldn't have continued it so the whole relationship should never have happened. He knows that, which is why he didn't confess at the time. Its a sham.

The whole thing is underpinned by lies and betrayal.

That's why it's such a big deal.

OP, I wouldn’t end a marriage over a drunken ONS many years ago. But I would tell him I’m hurt and upset right now, and I’d like him to show more concern about that.

The bigger picture is your relationship at present. He’s asking if you want to end it: that suggests you’re both having doubts. It’s worth talking things through with honesty and (if you feel it) love. Couple counselling may be the best way to do this.

Best of luck.

@Ofcourseshecan Thankyou that’s put it in better words so that I can actually approach him about this

Good! I hope it helps xx

OP, I wouldn’t end a marriage over a drunken ONS many years ago. But I would tell him I’m hurt and upset right now, and I’d like him to show more concern about that.

I would.

But I wouldn't be ending it over the ONS. I'd be ending it over the years of betrayal; the lies; the realisation that he wasn't the man I thought I'd married; the lack of respect; having been denied the right to make an informed decision about continuing the relationship at the time.

I'd never be able to look at him or see him in the same light again. The relationship would be over.

No, I just don’t agree. I suspect he pretty much forgot about an incident he could barely remember the next day, and just felt a bit ashamed or embarrassed if it entered his mind over the next decade.

If he’d had an affair, that would be different. As it is, I’d judge him by his behaviour now.

But it’s been 2 days!!

He’d be justified in telling her to move on and forget about it Or leave, if she’s been mulling over it for months or years. But he needs to accept these things take time to process.

he basically doesn’t want to face any consequences- and one consequence of your partner cheating is facing the uncertainty of not knowing how they will react and how it will affect your own future.

I can see your point but I know that I wouldn't see him in the same light again and so the relationship would be over for me. Even if I remained in it.

Another perspective; I think the reason he has the left the ball in your court is actually him allowing you to make the choice because he probably doesn't feel he 'deserves' to make the choice after what he did. If he is a man who normally buries his feelings/doesn't show them (like my SO) then he will be feeling ashamed and unworthy of making the choice as it is your right to decide if you can carry on because of him hiding it from you all this time. Hence saying it is up to you. He respects you and your decision rather than forcing/fighting for you to stay if this is not what you want and may regret later.

He is a man, all this time has passed - ONS never affected him emotionally so he can't relate the emotions you are feeling now, men can be daft like this. Has he been loyal/attentive since? This surely should support your decision. Anyway, this is a different perspective.

Good luck.

@HVPRN
This is interesting

I would like to give u abit of background to him - in all the years I’ve known him he never shows his feelings always buries them that’s just him and how he deals with any type of conflict in general

I will ask him why has he even left it in my court and see what he says

but it takes a lot of prompting to get him talking about feelings in general

once it came out he had his head down for literally hours and couldn’t look at me so the Shame was there

Mixed feelings on this one.

A ONS albeit 2 years into your relationship, when he was in his early 20s is disrespectful, deceitful and God damn stupid but at that age, a lot of us are still stupid and selfish. It wouldn't have meant much. I'm not sure if a would end a 10 year marraige over it, if everything has been good since.

That said, he needs to start talking. It's not something that can be just glossed over.

Maybe I'm stretching but is there any chance he knows he's fucked up and is afraid to even dicuss it and it's expecting forgiveness.

Tell him you need to discuss either with you or during marraige counselling.

You don't need to make an immediate decision.

A ONS albeit 2 years into your relationship, when he was in his early
20s is disrespectful, deceitful and God damn stupid but at that age, a
lot of us are still stupid and selfish. It wouldn't have meant much.
I'm not sure if a would end a 10 year marraige over it, if everything
has been good since.

I actually agree, many relationships in the early times have these sorts of behaviours before either parties grow up.

What I do find strange is why this topic came up after so many years, and as for men who find it hard to open up because of the shame, I've found many men like this tend to not open up emotionally, not because they're so deep they can't face their emotions, but most likely they are selfish fuckers who get their own way all the time and behind all the fake depth are liars and decievers.

I mean he doesnt seem particularly bothered that you are heartbroken, just a nonchalant, well make your mind up love, cause I'm not arsed.

I don't think he's as nice as you thought.