What does it mean to be asked to make the decision

[PbSandwiches]

What does it mean if a partner who’s been found out (he cheated years ago) keeps asking you to make a decision if you want to stay or go in the marriage

Is there possibly someone else on the horizon that he has his eye on?

sounds like the friend might be trying to warn you about his intentions.

you need to find out from friend;
why are they telling you this now?
is this the only time?

you need to ask DH:
What does he want to happen?
does he want to be in this marriage?

I think I need to ask him the questions and put it on him because right now I feel like either way he’s not gonna be fussed
(which is a horrible situation to be in)

if there is
then it would be my fault wouldn’t it that we broke up and he could move on essentially

wow man

I just dunno what to do here

He was discussing it with my husband not knowing it was on speaker phone in the car

Saw your update @PbSandwiches

he is being very odd about it. I can see why his reaction is more upsetting than the ONS.

Fucking hell- nobody decides after 2 days!! 🚩

My advice as a person who has been cheated on -

1. you need physical time apart to think things through.
2. you’re going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions and have to go through it all before your feelings settle.
3. you might decide to stay but it’s ok if your change your mind again.

I can’t believe that he thinks that saying sorry fixes things. 🚩

Yy to you being set up as the one who ended the relationship.

He is abdicating all responsibility for his behaviour.

He just randomly brought up ‘remember than woman you cheated on PB with?’

He didn’t realise he was on speaker phone in the car?

Honestly, what pp said. That’s really weird. I don’t think you know everything that’s going on.

He’s probably giving space but he’s not even spoke to me either properly during this time because I’m ignoring him at home

Not taking any responsibility for it at all tbh

He’s answered my questions but he claims he doenst even remember it properly and that it was nothing - just a drunken mistake

But I do think he should be acting abit more afraid to lose me

Either he really does not care what you think, feel or do - or he thinks gaslighting is the best way to handle the situation.

It depends. If he genuinely doesn’t think it’s a big deal and you’ve agreed to move forward but you won’t let it go he’s telling you that won’t work. And it work. You do have to decide - let it go or end it.

i haven’t agreed to anything he’s the one that said it’s your decision - i Would have decided to let it go if he was abit more thingy about all this if that makes sense

it is also gas lighting

How confident are you that he’s been faithful since?

I would probably forgive if I had confidence in him.

Pretty confident I’d say
I wouldn’t say I’ve had suspicions

Willing to forgive I think
but now I feel like I need to know what he thinks and feels
just expected some grovelling Atleast

Then I think you should use this to discuss the fact it’s highlighted that you do all the emotional ‘heavy lifting’ and it’s something than needs to be worked on together.

"You kept this from me for 10 years; I deserve more than 2 days."

It's an aggressive move. It means if you stay in the relationship you agree never to make him feel bad about it. He's also saying he doesn't give a fuck either way. It's basically 'are you in or out, and if you're out don't let the door hit your arse'.

That phone call on speaker sounds contrived.
Were you meant to hear that?
He sounds like coward looking for a way out of the marriage without being the 'bad guy' .

It's all very odd.

His old uni wingman gets in touch and doesn't know he's on speaker phone, don't believe that, I always know when I've been put on speaker. He then proceeds to talk about an indicretion from years back, no he wouldn't talk like that until certain it was private.

Then husband minimises his infedelity and sounds indifferent.

It sounds to me like the set up of a recent affair that has become too entangled and he's thinking of jumping ship.

Maybe I'm cynical.

Ask him what he wants, he will no doubt say stay together but then preceed to check out.

How long had you been exclusive for when this thing happened and what did he actually do? What is ONS?

Drunken one night stand

erm about 2 years exclusive